- Cousin Clem: Grandpa just beats me all day. He hits me and he punches me, why do you reckon he does it?
- Junior Samples: Beats me.
- Cousin Clem: He beats you too? He beats me all day long.
- Junior Samples: Don't that beat us all.
- Lulu Roman: I ain't heard a word of that. Why does he do it?
- Junior Samples: He gets a kick out of it.
- Cathy Baker: I'd marry a doctor so I could stay well for nothing.
- Lulu Roman: I'd marry a grocer so I could eat for nothing.
- Susan Raye: I'd marry a preacher so I could be good for nothing.
- Junior Samples: I'm in terrible financial trouble and I don't have any idea what I'm going to do.
- Roy Clark: That's a relief, I thought for a minute you'd get the idea to ask for it from me.
- Roy Clark: [gazing wide-eyed at the camera with a huge impish grin] Y'know - - this here storekeeper is pretty stupid! I think I'll just pawn off one of these counterfeit eighteen-dollar bills on him!
- [turns back and steps up to the counter]
- Roy Clark: Sam - - can ya change this $18 bill for me?
- Sam the storekeeper: [casually good-natured] Eighteen dollar bill - - let's see...
- [opens the cash-drawer with a loud ding]
- Sam the storekeeper: How d'ye like it - - TWO NINES or THREE SIXES?
- Roy Clark: [turns back to the camera with a "Gulp! THAT wasn't what I'd expected to hear!" expression]
- Hee Haw donkey: [in response to the last joke] Wouldn't that cock yer dang pistol?
- Hee Haw donkey: Don't that just FRY YER TATERS?
- [cocks head and smiles pleasantly]
- Hee Haw donkey: [in reaction to a silly story] Dat's more CORN than you find in a CORN CRIB!
- [cocks head and smiles pleasantly]
- Charlie Farquharson: [in response to a KORN-Radio mailbag-letter from a father named Cecil, who asks for advice regarding the clueless government's asininely misunderstanding him about his taking an income-tax-deduction for medical expenses when his family contracted hives, and so they had invalidly asked what his income had been from bee-keeping] Well, Cecil, you might as well go ahead 'n' take up bee-keepin', rather than takin' on the federal government --- either way, you're gonna get STUNG!