God: Ah, here it is. The book of your life.
[Hands William a book]
William David Reynolds: Wow!
[takes a look inside to find the pages blank]
William David Reynolds: Huh?
God: Just ask the book any question about your life, and the answer shall be revealed.
William David Reynolds: Uh... how many days did I live?
[the book displays 11,972 days]
William David Reynolds: Cool! How many hours is that?
[the book displays 287,326 hours]
God: It's not a calculator. This is the book of your life.
God: Ooh, how many times did I hear the song "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls?
[the book displays 106 times]
William David Reynolds: Huh, I thought it would be more then that.
[the book displays 'Nope']
God: Why not ask the book about your actions on Earth and how they impacted your loved one?
William David Reynolds: In a minute. Book, if I made bricks out of all the poop I ever pooped out and built a 6-foot high wall out of the bricks, how long could I make that wall?
[the book displays 2.7 miles]
God: This is ridiculous. Book, tell this man how many moments of happiness he gave his friends and family.
William David Reynolds: Boring! Book, could I have filled the Empire State Building with my own poop?
God: Don't answer that, book!
William David Reynolds: I want to know!
Burger King CEO: What a day! It's exhausting being the CEO of Burger King!
Giraffe: [Struggling waist-deep in quicksand] Uh oh.
Giraffe: [Screen: Stage One - Denial] It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand! I'll have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys.
Giraffe: [Screen: Stage Two - Anger] Well this is just fucking perfect! Stupid quicksand, stupid jungle, argh, I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Fuck! Stupid jungle! Fuck!
Giraffe: [Screen: Stage Three - Bargaining] Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Listen, if you would just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. Deal?
Giraffe: [Screen: Stage Four - Depression]
Giraffe: [Screen: Stage Five - Acceptance] You know something? I'm cool with this. I'll bet, I'll bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat. And everyone gets their own slurpie machine. Yeah. Take me sweet death, I await your loving embrace!
Giraffe: Uh, what? I think I hit the bottom. Fuck.
Heathcliff: I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff.
Garfield: Judge, if I might. I'd like to present this affidavit.
[Opens his suitcase revealing lasagna]
Garfield: Oh, sorry, your honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it.
[the jury yawns]
Heathcliff: Aw, that joke sucks! Even for you!
Judge: Court agrees. That joke sucked.