Andy Barker, P.I. (TV Series)

The Lady Varnishes (2007)

Andy Richter: Andy Barker

Quotes 

• Andy Barker : [to Simon]  Mmm, this tea is wonderful.

  [to Wally] 

  Andy Barker : Is this chamomile?

  Wally : Yes it is. But I am sorry, it is pronounced Camel Milk.

• Wally : I have combined Americans love of sex, guns and chickpea.

  Andy Barker : That's the big three.

• Andy Barker : We go to San Diego. My kids are crazy about Sea World.

  Lew Staziak : They wouldn't be if they knew what was burried under Shamu's tank.

• Andy Barker : [finding a letter stuck in a door]  What the helicopter?

• Andy Barker : [Rita has one wooden leg]  I'm sorry about your leg...

  Rita Spaulding : Oh, it's no biggie. There's a girl in D-Block who lost the other one. Now we buy shoes together.

• Andy Barker : You said in your letter that you had been framed for the murder.

  Rita Spaulding : That's right, couldn't have done that. I was in the Brown Derby at the time.

  Andy Barker : Well, that ought to be fairly easy to prove.

  Rita Spaulding : Well, whoever framed me got everybody to done me up.

  Andy Barker : So no one saw you going in?

  Rita Spaulding : No, I was with a married guy. We went in the back door.

  Lew Staziak : [standing in doorframe]  We did that a few times, didn't we doll?

  Rita Spaulding : Well Lew Staziak as I live and breathe. Actually, I was talking about going in the back door of the Brown Derby.

  Lew Staziak : So was I.

  Rita Spaulding : No, I mean the back door of the restaurant.

  Lew Staziak : Oh. I didn't go there.

• Andy Barker : Eh, Lew what are you doing here?

  Lew Staziak : I realized I couldn't let you alone with this one. She'd fill your head with lies and your pants with hands.

  Rita Spaulding : Still got two of those.

• John Leibowitz : I am John Leibowitz.

  Andy Barker : You are?

  John Leibowitz : I changed my name when I came to this country. There was much prejudice against the Chinese people. But who doesn't love a Jew?

• Lew Staziak : Hey, you said you had a visit from Micky. You sure it was him?

  Andy Barker : I got a video of him with my phone.

  Lew Staziak : Yeah, and I just flew over here on my toaster.

• Andy Barker : Where are we going?

  Mickey Doyle : [pressing a gun in Andy's back]  Parts of you are going to fifty different places around the city.