Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart Simpson: [thinks of the perfect prank call] I'm, um, Ahmed Adoudi.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi?
Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi: wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack! It's a joke name! You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Damn it!
[he shoots with his gun and Bart laughs hard]
[Jack Bauer comes in by dropping in from an air vent]
Jack Bauer: [in megaphone] Good work, Lisa!
Bart Simpson: What about me?
Jack Bauer: [points gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!
[a bunch of units move into the gym and they all point guns at Bart, but Bauer puts his away]
Jack Bauer: I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
[big explosion happens in the distance, and the crowd gasps]
Jack Bauer: It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
[everyone sighs with relief]
Jack Bauer: The following takes place between 2:34 PM and 3:04 PM. Or maybe it's AM. Whichever one is the morning one; it's not that one.
Homer Simpson: Hey, Milhouse. Who're you spying on? Those bullies?
[Homer picks up the stink bomb and notices the amount of time before it blows]
Homer Simpson: Oh, a Thermos! With seven cups of coffee still left in it. Oh, wait, six.
[Bart notices Ralph in the glass case and calls someone on his phone]
Bart Simpson: I got a man down. Well, not a man. A very special boy.
[Homer gets out of Moe's tavern and walks to the dumpster he left Milhouse in]
Homer Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, what do you wanna do?
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, the school's having a bake sale.
Homer Simpson: Old Betsy will get us there.
Principal Skinner: [Bart makes a Principal Skinner head out of poupon and ketchup] Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me!
[students in the cafeteria laugh]
Principal Skinner: Enhance.
[the image is enhanced, revealing "Seymour sucks" carved on a desk]
Principal Skinner: Dehance! Dehance!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, take your putrid filth far away from here, you soulless land whale.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Business trip!
Marge Simpson: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa Simpson: I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart Simpson: But it looks so cool!
Bart Simpson: Jimbo has a stink bomb in his house, but I need to intercept it fast. Send me some schematics.
Lisa Simpson: Jimbo made a couble of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave them a frowny face.
Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa Simpson: I've read your letter.
Principal Skinner: We've all read it.