Joy: [impersonating a cop] If you fail the sobriety test, we will shoot you in the face.
Randy: [trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call?
Randy: [trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna say?
Timothy Stack: Good evening, my good man. Do you know who I am?
Officer Stuart Daniels: Of course I do, Mr. Stack.
Timothy Stack: I'm TV's Tim Stack, from movies and basic cable television. 62 items on my IMDb page. 62. But they screwed me. They counted my Quincy two-parter as one thing.
Joy: I love you so much baby. I am gonna
Joy: [beep] with my sweet sweet sweet love
Joy: [beeeeeeeeeep] .
Earl: Sssh. You had me at balls.
Earl: [after falling down with his pants around his ankles] I skinned my pecker!
Joy: Oh, man! Not more cops? If this keeps happening, I'm going Ruby Ridge.
[Patty has her hand inside a soda machine]
Officer Bobbi Bowman: Are you stuck again Patty?
Patty: No. I'm just trying to get my hand cold for a client who's into dead people.
Officer Bobbi Bowman: [noticing the marijuana plants in Grandma Turner's apartment] Ma'am, whose room is this?
Darnell's Grandmother: Oh, those are my grandson's; he has such a green thumb. Why, people call him all night long to ask for advice on growing things.
[Darnell walks into the room]
Darnell's Grandmother: Why there's my grandson now! Hey peanut, I was just showing this nice officer your plants.
Officer Bobbi Bowman: [Darnell grabs two plants and jumps out of the window] Hey, come back here! Dammit!
Earl: [Earl and Joy are riding in a stolen police car when Joy pulls over a young woman] Wait, that's my ex girlfriend. I can't let her see me; she thinks I'm dead.
Joy: Oh, hell yes; this is going to be fun.
[using the loudspeaker]
Joy: The driver will get out of the car. Ok, slut, put your hands on the fender and spread your legs. I'm sure that won't be difficult for you.
Natalie Duckworth: I'm not a slut! I only slept with one man!
Earl: [Looking into the 'COPS' camera and grinning] That was me; yeah, I hit that.