Danny Tripp: [to Jordan] Can I talk to you a second? I've been married twice before, and am a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or of a father; nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you'd better get a head start 'cause I'm coming for you Jordan. You should go ahead and chew that sandwich.
Matt Albie: [Matt has brought a small, misshapen Christmas tree into the writer's room] That happens to be a noble fir, they grow to 10 feet tall.
Darius Hawthorne: Yeah, I don't think that one's gonna make it.
Danny Tripp: It says here that you're going to have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
Jordan McDeere: Danny?
Danny Tripp: Wait, that can't be you.
Jordan McDeere: No.
Danny Tripp: It's an Alaskan King Crab that has to do that.
Danny Tripp: Was sleeping with him for that information really worth it?
Jordan McDeere: I didn't sleep with him for the information, he gave me the information so that he could sleep with me.
Danny Tripp: Still, integrity all over the place.
Jordan McDeere: This is time for a lecture?
Danny Tripp: No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the Last Honest Man get loaded on Jagermeister and forget that there's like 500 different types of birth control?
Tom Jeter: Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
Simon Stiles: Ok cool, why don't you tell her about the time everybody thought you were GAY in high school?
Matt Albie: How come I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with the Christmas spirit? Come to think of it how come I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?
Danny Tripp: I've been married twice before, and I'm a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you better get a good head start because I'm coming for you, Jordan
Simon Stiles: [after Matt kisses Harriet] I'm Simon Stiles.
Harriet Hayes: And I'm Matt. Harriet. I'm Harriet Hayes.
[trying to figure out how to make snow]
Cal Shanley: Shaved coconuts!
Matt Albie: Perfect! And they're indigenous to LA.
Danny Tripp: No, they're not.
Matt Albie: They grow on palm trees!
Danny Tripp: Not ours.
Matt Albie: What do ours do?
Danny Tripp: Nothing.
Matt Albie: This city needs me.
Jordan McDeere: [to secretary] How's his mood?
Jack Rudolph: [off-screen] Son of a holy bitch!
Jordan McDeere: Never mind.
Matt Albie: Danny? You're caring more about other people than you usually do.
Danny Tripp: You're the one who just said, 'What's she gonna do about the upfronts?'.
Matt Albie: Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
Danny Tripp: So was mine.
Matt Albie: No, it wasn't. It was genuine interest.
Danny Tripp: Look, in case you haven't noticed, she's doing a good job.
Matt Albie: And there you just defended her.
Danny Tripp: What's wrong with that?
Matt Albie: For starters, no one's attacking her.
Danny Tripp: Go write!
Matt Albie: Okay.
[Matt leaves, Danny slams his hand on the desk, Matt returns]
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: Nothing.
Matt Albie: Say it. Just say it out loud!
[looking at a plastic Santa Claus with his right hand raised]
Matt Albie: What's he doing?
Cal Shanley: There are gonna be reindeer up in the balcony; he's waving at them.
Matt Albie: He's giving the Nazi salute!
Cal Shanley: Nah, he's waving at the reindeer.
Matt Albie: Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him?
Cal Shanley: Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt...
Matt Albie: Alright, let's set logistics aside. He's saying, "Heil, Hitler."
Cal Shanley: I think you're reading too much into it.
Matt Albie: He's giving the Nazi salute.
Cal Shanley: [pause] Well, now that you've said it, that's all I can see.
Matt Albie: It's all anybody can see.
Cal Shanley: He's got the crazy eyes too, doesn't he?
Matt Albie: Yeah.
Cal Shanley: LET'S GET RID OF DEMENTED SANTA CLAUS!
Matt Albie: They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of two presents per child.
Danny Tripp: What'd they come up with?
Matt Albie: He'd
Matt Albie: need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.
Danny Tripp: We're having a baby?
Jordan McDeere: I'M having a baby.
Danny Tripp: Relax, you'll be involved.
Tom Jeter: Aren't you, like, a hundred years old?
Simon Stiles: Aren't you only marginally talented?
Danny Tripp: At 12 weeks a baby should be about 2 inches in length and way less than an ounce.
Danny Tripp: If you're under 35...
Jordan McDeere: I'm under 35.
Danny Tripp: [puts down magazine] This is no time for vanity.
Jordan McDeere: I'm under 35.
Matt Albie: Hang on, I've got a note for you from dress.
[pulls Harriet around the corner and kisses her]
Matt Albie: [pulls notebook from his pocket] Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace.
Matt Albie: I'm the miracle on the Sunset Strip. And you're, you know, two other guys.
Simon Stiles: What do you need?
Matt Albie: Any Christmas ideas you might have.
Tom Jeter: There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Simon Stiles: Jesus was from north Africa.
Matt Albie: You were right, you know?
Danny Tripp: About what?
Matt Albie: We do live here now.
Danny Tripp: Merry Christmas.
Matt Albie: Merry Christmas.
Matt Albie: How is it that I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?
Matt Albie: Screw Christmas? Not on my watch! Look, I hate Los Angeles like everybody else but I have to work here 'cause in any other part of the country I'm unemployable so we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly. I wanna hear sketch ideas with Santa and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.
Darius Hawthorne: We could set the...
Matt Albie: Shut up!
Danny Tripp: Why won't you tell me who the father is?
Jordan McDeere: You don't know him.
Danny Tripp: I don't want to know him.
Jordan McDeere: How do you know?
Danny Tripp: Cause if he was someone I wanted to know he'd be here.
Jordan McDeere: [pause] What makes you think I told him?
Danny Tripp: Cause I do know you.