Bilbo Baggins: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning. Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?
Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose.
Bilbo Baggins: I have... I have never used a sword in my life.
Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.
Galadriel: Mithrandir? Why the Halfling?
Gandalf: I don't know. Saruman believes that it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I've found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.
Gandalf: Well, why does it matter? He's back!
Thorin Oakenshield: It matters. I want to know - why did you come back?
Bilbo Baggins: Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you're right. I often think of Bag End. I miss my books. And my armchair. And my garden. See, that's where I belong. That's home. That's why I came back, 'cause you don't have one. A home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can.
Balin: It's just the usual; summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.
Bilbo Baggins: Funeral arrangements?
Bilbo Baggins: Oh, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth total profit if any. Seems fair. Present company shall not be liable for injuries including but not limited to laceration, evisceration... incineration?
Bofur: Oh, aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
Balin: You all right, laddie?
Bilbo Baggins: Yeah, I'll be. Feel a bit faint
Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.
Bilbo Baggins: Yeah, I-I-I need air
Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you're nothing more than a pile of ash.
Bilbo Baggins: [long pause] Nope.
Gandalf: Very helpful, Bofur.
Gollum: Is he lost?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes, yes, and I want to get unlost... as soon as possible!
Gollum: Oh! We knows! We knows safe paths for hobbitses! Safe paths in the dark... SHUT UP!
Bilbo Baggins: I didn't say anything...
Gollum: Wasn't talking to you!
Gandalf: I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Bofur: [after falling] Well, that could have been worse...
[Great Goblin falls on the dwarves]
Dwalin: Oh, you've got to be joking!
Thorin Oakenshield: [singing] Far over the misty mountains cold / To dungeons deep and caverns old / We must away at break of day / to find our long forgotten gold
Dwarves: [singing] The pines were roaring on the height / The winds were moaning in the night / The fire was red, it flame spread / The trees like torches blazed with light...
Bilbo Baggins: Why don't we have a game of riddles... Just, just you and me.
Gollum: [comes towards Bilbo; as Friendly Gollum] Just... Just us?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes... Yes! And if I win, you...
Bilbo Baggins: ...You show me the way out, yes?
Gollum: [nods] Yes, Yes...
[Gollum's pupils narrow as he becomes Treacherous Gollum. He growls as he back into the shadows; Bilbo looks uneasy]
Gollum: [sinister whisper] And if it loses... what then?
[Gollum blinks; as Friendly Gollum]
Gollum: Well... if it loses, Precious. then we EATS it!
[Gollum giggles sinisterly; then he turns to Bilbo]
Gollum: [casually] And if Baggins loses, then we eats it whole.
[Gollum smiles and shrugs]
Bilbo Baggins: [after a long pause] Fair enough.
Radagast: I'll draw them off.
Gandalf: These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!
Radagast: These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I'd like to see them try.
Balin: [after overhearing Bilbo tell Gandalf he will not join the Dwarves on their journey] It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkerers, toy-makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.
Thorin Oakenshield: There are a few warriors amongst us.
Balin: Old warriors.
Thorin Oakenshield: I would take each and every one of these Dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills. For when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty. Honor. A willing heart... I can ask no more than that.
Balin: You don't have to do this. You have a choice. You've done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains, a life of peace, and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.
Thorin Oakenshield: [He holds up the key Gandalf has given him] From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the Dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice Balin. Not for me.
Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.
Gandalf: You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
Old Bilbo: In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a hobbit-hole and that means good food, a warm hearth, and all the comforts of home.
Hobbit: You! Mr. Bilbo, where're you off to?
Bilbo Baggins: I'm already late.
Hobbit: Late for what?
Bilbo Baggins: I'm going on an adventure!
[Bilbo attempts to sneak out of the cave while the company sleeps but is stopped by Bofur]
Bofur: Where do you think you're going?
Bilbo Baggins: Back to Rivendell.
Bofur: No. No. You can't turn back now. You're part of the company. You're one of us.
Bilbo Baggins: I'm not now, am I? Thorin said I should have never have come and he was right. I'm not a Took, I'm a Baggins. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have run out my door.
Bofur: You're homesick. I understand.
Bilbo Baggins: No you don't. You don't understand. None of you do. You're Dwarves. You're use to this life, to living on the road, never settling in one place, not belonging anywhere!
Bilbo Baggins: [Bofur's expression falls and immediately Bilbo realizes he has gone too far] I'my sorry, I didn't...
Bofur: [Bofur nods his head and looks around at the sleeping company] No you're right. We don't belong anywhere.
Bofur: I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do.
[He smiles and pats Bilbo's arm]
Thorin Oakenshield: You! What were you doing? You nearly got yourself killed! Did I not say that you would be a burden, that you would not survive in the wild and that you have no place amongst us? I've never been so wrong in all my life.
[Thorin embraces Bilbo]
Dori: [regarding a piece of lettuce] Try it. Just a mouthful.
Ori: I don't like green food.
Dwalin: Where's the meat?
Ori: Have they got any chips?
Old Bilbo: It began long ago in a land far away to the east, the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Dale, its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth: Erebor, stronghold of Thrór, King under the Mountain and mightiest of the Dwarf-Lords. Thrór ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson. Ah, Frodo, Erebor! Built deep within the mountain itself, the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Dwarves was unequalled, fashioning objects of great beauty out of diamond, emerald, ruby, and sapphire. Ever they delved deep, down into the dark and that is where they found it, the Heart of the Mountain... the Arkenstone. Thrór named it the King's Jewel, he took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him, even the great Elven King Thranduil. But the years of peace and plenty was not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Thrór's love of gold grown too fierce and sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives, bad things will follow...
Thorin Oakenshield: Where did you go, if I may ask?
Gandalf: To look ahead.
Thorin Oakenshield: And what brought you back?
Gandalf: Looking behind.
Thorin Oakenshield: I cannot guarantee his safety.
Thorin Oakenshield: Nor will I be responsible for his fate.
Kili: [Kili is gently flirting with an Elf maid when he catches Dwalin glaring at him] I can't say I fancy Elves myself, too thin. They're all high cheekbones and creamy skin. Not enough facial hair for me.
[He motions to an Elf walking behind him]
Kili: Although, that one there's not bad.
Dwalin: That's not an Elf maid.
[the Elf turns around, revealing that he is indeed a male]
Kili: [the Dwarves burst out laughing at Kili's mistake] That's funny.
Gandalf: The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.
Bilbo Baggins: I can't just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins of Bag End!
Gandalf: You are also a Took. Did you know that your Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Bullroarer Took was so large he could ride a real horse?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes.
Gandalf: Well he could! In the Battle of Greenfields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard it knocked the Goblin King's head cleaned off and it sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle was won and the game of golf invented at the same time.
Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up.
Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
Bilbo Baggins: ...Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No. And if you do... you will not be the same.
Kili: [the ground suddenly begins to split beneath them during the thunder battle, with each brother jumping to a different side of the crack as it widens] What's happening?
Fili: [Reaches desperately towards his brother] Kili, grab my hand! Ki...
Kili: [a look of terror cross his face as the cliff face his brother is on moves further away] Fili!
Frodo: [finds a manuscript] What's this?
Old Bilbo: That is private, keep your sticky paws off! It's not ready yet!
Frodo: Not ready for what?
Old Bilbo: Reading!
Galadriel: You carry something. It came to you from Radagast. He found it in Dol Guldur.
Galadriel: Show it to me.
[Gandalf takes out a package]
Elrond: What is that?
Galadriel: A relic... of Mordor.
Elrond: A Morgul-blade!
Galadriel: Made for the Witch-king of Angmar and buried with him. When Angmar fell, the Men of the North took his body and all that he possessed and sealed it within the High Fells of Rhudaur. Deep within the rock, they buried him. In a tomb so dark, it would never come to light.
Elrond: This is not possible. A powerful spell lies upon those tombs, they can NOT be opened.
Saruman: What proof do we have this weapon came from Angmar's grave?
Gandalf: I can find none.
Saruman: Because there IS none! Let us examine what we know: A single Orc pack has dared to cross the Bruinen, a dagger from a bygone age has been found and a human sorcerer who calls himself the Necromancer has taken up residence in a ruined fortress. It's not so very much. After all, the question of this Dwarvish company, however, troubles me deeply. I'm not convinced, Gandalf. I do not feel I can condone such a quest. If they had come to me, I might have spared them from this disappointment...
Galadriel: [while Saruman talks] They are leaving.
Galadriel: [smiles] You knew.
Balin: Don't mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate Orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria... but our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs, led by the most vile of all their race, Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began by beheading the King. Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing, taken prisoner or killed; we did not know. We were leaderless, defeat and death were upon us. That is when I saw him; the young dwarf prince facing down the Pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe, his armour rent, wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield... Azog the Defiler learned that day that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied and drove the Orcs back; our enemy had been defeated... but there was no feast or songs that night, for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived and I thought to myself then 'There is one I could follow. There is one I could call King'.
Old Bilbo: The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind. It was a fire-drake from the North. Smaug had come! Such wanton death was dealt that day, for this city of Men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire. Erebor was lost - for a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives. Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wroth of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day... or any day since. Robbed of their homeland, the Dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness, a once mighty people brought low. The young Dwarf prince took work where he could find it, labouring in the villages of Men. But always he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon, the trees like torches blazing bright, for he had seen dragon fire in the sky and a city turned to ash. And he never forgave... and he never forgot.
Dori: Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?
Gandalf: It is raining, Master dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.
Bilbo Baggins: Are there any?
Bilbo Baggins: Other wizards?
Gandalf: There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the White. And then there are the two Blue Wizards... You know, I've quite forgotten their names.
Bilbo Baggins: And the fifth?
Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast the Brown.
Bilbo Baggins: Is he a great wizard, or is he more like you?
Gandalf: Well, I think he is a very great wizard... in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals for others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the East, and a good thing too. For always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.
Bilbo Baggins: I just need to sit quietly for a moment.
Gandalf: You've been sitting quietly for far too long!
[Lord Elrond arrives at Rivendell. He greets the Dwarves, speaking in Elvish]
Gloin: What does he say? Does he offer us insult?
Gandalf: No Master Gloin, he's offering you food.
[the Dwarves quickly have a quiet discussion amongst themselves]
Gloin: Very well then. Lead on!
Thorin Oakenshield: And I am sorry for doubting you.
Bilbo Baggins: No, it's fine. I would have doubted me too. I'm not a hero, or a warrior...
[looks up at Gandalf]
Bilbo Baggins: ... Not even a burglar.
Ori: That's why we need a burglar!
Bilbo Baggins: Hmmm, and a good one too, I would say. An expert.
Gloin: And are you?
Bilbo Baggins: [looks behind him, then back] Am I what?
Oin: He said he's an expert! Hey hey!
Galadriel: The dragon has long been on your mind.
Gandalf: This is true, my lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one, but if he should side with the Enemy... A dragon could be used to terrible effect.
Saruman: What enemy? Gandalf, the Enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.
Elrond: Gandalf, for four hundred years, we have lived in peace - a hard-won, watchful peace.
Gandalf: Are we, are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains, they are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road!
Elrond: Hardly a prelude to war.
Saruman: Always you must meddle, looking for trouble when none exist...
Galadriel: Let him speak.
Gandalf: There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug. Something far more powerful. We could remain blind to it but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness lies over the Greenwood. The Woodsmen who live there now call it Mirkwood and, uh, they say...
Saruman: Well, don't stop now. Tell us what the Woodsmen say.
Gandalf: They speak of a Necromancer living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who could summon the dead.
Saruman: That's absurd. No such power exists in this world. This "Necromancer" is nothing more than a mortal man, a conjurer dabbling in black magic.
Gandalf: And so I thought too, but Radagast had seen...
Saruman: Radagast? Do not speak to me of Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.
Gandalf: Well, he's odd, I'll grant you. He lives a solitary life...
Saruman: It's not that. It's his excessive consumption of mushrooms! They've addled his brain and yellowed his teeth!
Bilbo Baggins: [as Dwarves start musically banging cutlery on the tables] Careful! You'll blunt them!
Bofur: [Amused] Oh, did you hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives!
Dwarves: [Gleefully singing] Blunt the knives! Bend the forks! Smash the bottles and burn the corks! Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Great Goblin: You thought you could escape *Me*?
[He swings his mace, knocking Gandalf backwards; the dwarves stop Gandalf from toppling]
Great Goblin: [mockingly] What are you going to do now, wizard?
[Gandalf pokes the Great Goblin in the eye with his stick, then cuts straight through his large belly with his sword]
Great Goblin: [his last words before Gandalf cuts his throat] ... That'll do it...
[Bilbo opens the door]
Dwalin: Dwalin, at your service.
Bilbo Baggins: Um...
Bilbo Baggins: Bilbo Baggins, at yours.
Great Goblin: Well, well, well... look who it is! Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain!
Great Goblin: Oh, but I'm forgetting, you don't have a mountain, and you're not a king, which makes you nobody, really.
Bilbo Baggins: [to the trolls, about cooking the dwarves] Well, I mean, have you smelled them? You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you can plate this lot up!
Gandalf: Here lies the Last Homely House East of the Sea.
Thorin Oakenshield: This was your plan all along - to seek refuge with our enemy?
Gandalf: You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.
Thorin Oakenshield: You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.
Gandalf: Of course they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.
Balin: Ohhh! Evening, brother.
Dwalin: By my beard, you're shorter and wider than last time we met.
Balin: Wider, not shorter. But sharp enough for the both of us.
[as the trolls are roasting half a dozen of the dwarves on a spit over a fire]
Bilbo Baggins: Wait, wait! You are making a terrible mistake!
Bert Troll: Eh?
Dori: You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!
Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?
Old Bilbo: My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I've told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it. I am old, Frodo. I am not the same hobbit as I once was. It is time for you to know what really happened.
Gandalf: Far to the east, over ranges and rivers lies a single solitary peak.
Elrond: So this is your purpose, to enter the mountain?
Thorin Oakenshield: What of it?
Elrond: There are some who would not deem it wise.
Great Goblin: [singing] Bones will be shattered, necks will be wrung! You'll be beaten and battered, from racks you'll be hung! You will die down here and never be found, down in the deep of Goblin Town!
Frodo: They're all coming. Except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.
Old Bilbo: Are they indeed? Over my dead body.
Frodo: They'd probably find that quite agreeable. They're convinced you have tunnels overflowing with gold.
Old Bilbo: It was one small chest - hardly overflowing. And it still reeks of troll!
Thorin Oakenshield: Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?
Bilbo Baggins: Pardon me?
Thorin Oakenshield: Axe or sword, what's your weapon of choice?
Bilbo Baggins: [proudly] Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know.
Thorin Oakenshield: Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?
Radagast: A dark power has found its way back into the world.
Gandalf: When did doilies and your mother's dishes become so important to you?
Radagast: The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it. Nothing grows anymore, at least nothing good. The air is fouled decay, but worst are the webs.
Gandalf: Webs? What do you mean?
Radagast: Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant or I'm not a wizard. I followed their trail, they came from... Dol Guldur.
Gandalf: Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.
Radagast: No, Gandalf, 'tis not. A dark power dwells in there. Such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits of the dead. I saw him, Gandalf, from out of the darkness. A Necromancer has come!
Necromancer: [whispers in an unknown language]
Yazneg: [in Black Speech] The Dwarf-scum, Master... we lost them. Ambushed by Elvish filth, we were...
Azog: I don't want excuses. I want the head of the Dwarf-king!
Yazneg: There was nothing we could do! I barely escaped with my life!
Azog: Far better you had... paid with it.
[throws him into the Wargs' den, and they tear him to pieces]
Azog: [in Black Speech] Do you smell it? The scent of fear? I remember your father reeked of it... Thorin, son of Thrain.
[Radagast endeavors to cure an ailing hedgehog]
Radagast: I don't understand why it's not working! It's not as if it's witchcraft!
Radagast: Witchcraft... Oh, but it IS. A dark and terrible magic...
Radagast: [shows Gandalf a Morgul-blade] That thing is not from the world of the living...
Thorin Oakenshield: Azog the Defiler is no more. He was slain in battle long ago!
Great Goblin: So you think his defiling days are done, do you?
Bilbo Baggins: I am surrounded by dwarves! What are they doing here?
Gandalf: Oh, they're quite a merry gathering. Once you get used to them.
Thorin Oakenshield: Rumors have begun to spread, The dragon Smaug has not been seen in many years... Perhaps the vast wealth of our people lies unprotected... perhaps it is time to take back Erebor!
Balin: What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?
Thorin Oakenshield: Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.
Balin: Ah, all of them!
Dwalin: And what did the Dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?
Thorin Oakenshield: They will not come. They say this quest is ours and ours alone.
Balin: I have to agree with Mr. Baggins, he is hardly burglar material.
Dwalin: Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.
Dwalin: I thought we had lost our burglar.
Thorin Oakenshield: He's been lost ever since he left his home. He should not have come, he has no place among us.
Bilbo Baggins: [griping about the dwarves] They pillaged the pantry. I'm not even going to tell you what they've done to the bathroom, they all but destroyed the plumbing. I don't understand; what are they doing in my house?
Elrond: This is Orcrist, the Goblin Cleaver, a famous blade. Made by the High Elves of the West, my kin.
[hands it back to Thorin]
Elrond: May it serve you well.
[unsheathes Gandalf's sword]
Elrond: And this is Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, sword of the King of Gondolin. These swords were made for the Goblin Wars long ago...
[Bilbo curiously looks at his own sword's blade]
Balin: Wouldn't bother, lad. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.
Bilbo Baggins: What are you saying? That my sword hasn't seen battle?
Balin: Not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.
Bilbo Baggins: You're right, I do believe the worst is behind us now.
[as the dwarves are disarmed, Grinnah partially unsheathes Thorin's sword, and throws it away in horror]
Great Goblin: [recoils] I know that sword! It is the Goblin Cleaver! The Biter! The blade that sliced a thousand necks! Slash them! Beat them! Kill them! Kill them all! Cut off his head!
Gandalf: Of course I was going to tell you, I was waiting for this very chance. And really, I think you could trust that I know what I am doing.
Elrond: Do you? That dragon has slept for 60 years. What will happen if your plan should fail? If you wake that beast...
Gandalf: But if we succeed. If the Dwarves take back the mountain, our defenses in the East will be strengthened!
Elrond: It is a dangerous move, Gandalf.
Gandalf: It is also dangerous to do nothing or cut the throne of Erebor, it's Thorin's birthright. What is it you fear?
Elrond: Have you forgotten? A strain of madness runs deep in that family. His grandfather lost his mind, his father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall? Gandalf, these decisions do not rest with us alone. It is not up to you or me to redraw the map of Middle-earth.
Gandalf: Does it not worry you that the last of the Dwarf-rings should simply vanish along with its bearer? Of the Seven Dwarf-rings, four were consumed by dragons, two were taken by Sauron before he fell in Mordor... the fate of the last Dwarf-ring remains unknown, the ring that was borne by Thrain.
Saruman: Without the Ruling Ring of Power, the Seven are no value to the Enemy. To control the other Rings, he needs the One. And that Ring was lost long, long ago. It was swept out to sea by the waters of the Anduin.
Bilbo Baggins: [as four dwarves start rearranging his kitchen, his doorbell rings again] Oh no. No. There's nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There're far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If this is some cluthead's idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in VERY poor taste!
[He opens the door, and eight dwarves fall in a heap in front of him]
Gandalf: [counting on his fingers] Fili, Kili... Oin, Gloin... Dwalin, Balin... Bifur, Bofur, Bombur... Dori, Nori, Ori...
Bifur: [grunts something in Khazdul and slaps his elbow]
Gandalf: Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.
Bilbo Baggins: [Bilbo interrupts as Tom the troll about to eat Bombur] Uh... no, no, not... not that one, he... he's infected!
William Troll: [taken aback] You what?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes, he's got worms in his... tubes.
Tom Troll: Ooh!
[Tom throws down Bombur in disgust]
Bilbo Baggins: In-in fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't.
Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?
Kili: Yeah, we don't have parasites!
Kili: You have parasites!
[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili, and the dwarves realize what Bilbo is doing]
Oin: I've got parasites as big as my arm!
Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!
Nori: We're riddled!
Ori: Yes, I'm riddled!
Dori: Yes, we are, badly!
Gandalf: You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins.
Bilbo Baggins: Me? No! No no no!
Gandalf: Hobbits can pass unseen by most if they choose, which gives us a distinct advantage.
Great Goblin: [as Gandalf attacks] He wields the Foe-Hammer! The Beater! Bright as daylight!
Bilbo Baggins: [1st riddle] Thirty white horses, on a red hill; First, they champ. Then they stand; the, they stand still.
[Gollum pauses; thinking]
Gollum: [unsure] Uh... Teeth?
[Bilbo looks defeated]
Gollum: [excitedly] TEETH!
[Gollum laughs; Bilbo smiles half-heartedly]
Gollum: Yes! my precious!
Gollum: [very serious] But we, we... we only have... NINE.
[He bares his nine, crooked, yet sharp teeth; to show emphasis]
Gollum: [to Bilbo; after answering the first riddle] Our turn...
[reciting riddle; as he recites, Gollum menacingly creeps around a rock, not taking his eyes off of Bilbo, who slowly and cautiously steps away from him]
Gollum: Voiceless it cries; Wingless flutters; Toothless bites; Mouthless mutters.
[he glares at Bilbo deviously]
Bilbo Baggins: Just a minute...
[Bilbo walks away to think]
Gollum: [his pupils widen; as Friendly Gollum] Ooo, Ooo! We knows! We knows!
[as treacherous Gollum]
Gollum: Shut up!
Bilbo Baggins: [Bilbo sees ripples in the lake, made by the wind; he smiles] Wind...
Bilbo Baggins: [turning to Gollum] It's wind, 'course it is.
Gollum: [prowling towards Bilbo] Very clever, hobbitses... VERY CLEVER...
Bilbo Baggins: [holds out his sword towards Gollum, stopping him; reciting] A... A box without hinges, key, or-or lid... and yet, golden treasure inside is... hid.
Gollum: [Gollum creeps away to think; as he is thinking, he begins to mutter and whisper to himself] Box... um uh... Box... lid... and a key...
Bilbo Baggins: Well?
Gollum: [annoyed; pointing at Bilbo] It's nah-stee.
[He continues to whisper to himself]
Bilbo Baggins: Give up?
Gollum: [strained] Oh, give us a chance, precious! Give us a CHANCE!
[Gollum continues to groan, growl, grunt and hiss in frusteration. As he thinks, he makes faces; making "oo" sounds and blowing raspberry sounds with his lips stretched when suddenly, his eyes open wide and his mouth is agape]
[Gollum chuckles as Bilbo shakes his head, dismayed]
Gollum: Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses! Grandmother taught us how to suck them, yes! heh, heh...
Dori: Mr. Gandalf? A glass of red wine as requested. It's got a fruity bouquet.
Gandalf: Ah, cheers.
[Gollum discovers that Bilbo has the One Ring in his possession]
Gollum: [horrified whisper] He stole it.
[Bilbo stands there; holding Sting out in front of him]
Gollum: [anger rising] He stole it!
[Gollum's face contorts with rage; then he lets out a scream of extreme fury]
Gollum: [shouts] AAAAARRRRAAAAHHHHH! He *STOLE* it!
[as he says this, Gollum throws a stone at Bilbo, who blocks it with his sword. The rock hits and bounces off the sword with a "clang". Bilbo immediately bolts for his life. Gollum screams in fury as he chases after him]
Gollum: [searching for "his precious"; the one ring; wails in despair] Lost! My precious is LOOOOSSST!
[Gollum lets out a gasping sob; Bilbo takes the One Ring out of his pocket and hides it behind his back]
Bilbo Baggins: [concerned] What have you lost?
Gollum: [crying] Mustn't ask us! Not its business! Noooo... Gollum! Gollum!
[Gollum sobs softly]
Bilbo Baggins: [swinging his sword at Gollum] *Keep* your distance! *I'LL* use this... if I have to!
Bilbo Baggins: [feeling the One Ring in his pocket; to himself] What... have I got... in my pocket?
[Gollum; who is crouching on a stalagmite, holding a rock he is meaning to throw at Bilbo, scowls, thinking Bilbo's question as a riddle]
Gollum: That's not fair... That's not fair! It's against the *rules*!
[In a hissy fit, Gollum throws the rock down. Bilbo looks on in amazement]
Gollum: [pouting] Ask us another one!
Bilbo Baggins: [points his sword at Gollum] No, no. You said, "ask me a question." Well, *That* is MY question. "What Have I Got In My Pocket?"
[Gollum growls in reluctance as he jumps down from his stalagmite perch and crouches on the floor beside his hideout]
Gollum: [holding up only two fingers] It must give us three guesses, precious! It must give us *three*!
Bilbo Baggins: Three guesses, very well. Guess away!
Gollum: [holds up his hands] Handses!
Bilbo Baggins: [shows Gollum that his left hand is out of the pocket] Wrong. Try again.
[Gollum groans in frustration]
Gollum: [rummaging through his belongings in his hole; to himself] I've got Fishses bones, Goblinses bones, Bat's wings, food...
[He growls; thinking hard; he slaps his hands down repeatedly when... ]
Gollum: [shouts] *KNIFE*! Oh, shut up!
Bilbo Baggins: Wrong again. Last guess.
Gollum: String... or nothing!
Bilbo Baggins: Two guesses at once. Wrong both times.
Gollum: [groans; defeated] Ooooooohhh...
[as he groans; Gollum flops on his side. He lies in a fetal position as he sobs softly]
[Bilbo is trying to escape Gollum and gets stuck in a crevice. Gollum sees him. With an angry screech, Gollum prowls towards him]
Gollum: [ferociously] It's ours... It's...
[as Gollum shrieks, Bilbo unsticks himself; his brass buttons from his vest pop and fly. Gollum looks startled as one of the buttons bounces off his nose]
Gollum: [having discovered Bilbo; maliciously gleeful] Bless us and splash us, precious! THAT'S a meaty mouthful. ah...
[Gollum creeps forward; Bilbo lifts up his sword so that it's tip touches Gollum's throat. Gollum gawks at the blade, taken aback]
Gollum: Ah... Gollum, Gollum! Ack!
[He glares at Bilbo fearfully and slowly backs away]
Great Goblin: [about his "Goblin Town" song] Catchy, isn't it? It's one of my own, personal compositions.
Balin: [appalled] That's not a song...
Balin: It's an ABOMINATION!
[the other dwarves shout and jeer in angry agreement]
Great Goblin: Abominations, disfigurations, mutilations, and repulsions... That's all you're going to find down here.
Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf?
Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?
Gandalf: Oh, no, thank you, Dori. A little red wine for me, I think.
Gandalf: Enough! If i say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar then a burglar he is!