Juliet O'Hara: You are under arrest, you crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy bitch!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, Shawn, listen to me. If I'm going to go back to that creepy-ass institution that I've been afraid to drive by since I was nine, there's going to be some rules and regulations.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, this is no time for fun and...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Listen, Shawn! I will not enter a room first. I will not enter a room last. I will not investigate any suspicious noises or go looking for a fuse box. And you will not, under any circumstances, leave me by myself without a weapon of some sort. Do you understand and agree to my terms?
Shawn Spencer: I'm not prepared to negotiate...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Do you understand, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Yes! I do, yes!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: All right. Let's go help Juliet.
Carlton Lassiter: Did I upset you?
Karen Vick: Upset me?
Carlton Lassiter: Insult you? Demean you in some way I do not comprehend?
Karen Vick: Detective, I'm pretty sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Carlton Lassiter: The woman. The crazy woman. The half-deaf, litigating, nightmare express of a detective. Why would you put me of all people with her? I'm head detective.
Karen Vick: Honestly, Detective, I thought you two might hit it off.
Carlton Lassiter: Why would you possibly think that?
Karen Vick: Well, she kind of reminded me a little of you... you know, a few years down the road. Similar interests, outlooks. Everyone thought it was a pretty good idea.
Carlton Lassiter: [hurt] That's how people perceive me?
Karen Vick: We're all a little surprised that it didn't work out, Carlton.
Shawn Spencer: Wanna split a pineapple?
Alice Bundy: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Shawn Spencer: My name is Ichbald Fletchman - Sticky Icky to my boys, but that's neither here nor there. What's important is that this baby is 82% Hawaiian and I've got all afternoon.
Alice Bundy: Are you a crazy person?
Shawn Spencer: It's funny, I was going to ask you the same thing - only I was going to add "Who likes to make toast" to the end of mine.
Henry Spencer: Scary Sherry Kratic was rehabilitated and I'm pretty sure she's married and living in Fresno. Come on, guys, give me some more credit here! I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.
[Henry walks away]
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] You got a big ass mouth.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wanted to keep it a secret! You're the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table.
Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn Spencer: That's dope!
Juliet O'Hara: I need a psychic to read the sorority house. Can you come by tonight?
Shawn Spencer: Can we wear pajamas?
Juliet O'Hara: No.
Shawn Spencer: Even better.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I shoulda had you today. The Warmburner was in full effect.
Shawn Spencer: Okay, you cannot have a shot called 'The Warmburner.'
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why not?
Shawn Spencer: Because it's my strikeout pitch in wiffleball, dude. Pick another name.
Eden: Ask him.
Poppy: You ask him.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What, girls? What do you want to ask me? Don't be nervous. I put on my pants one leg at a time, just like you.
Eden: Okay. Did you really play Bud on "The Cosby Show"?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [frowns] Bud? Who told you that?
Eden: I knew I recognized you!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wait... wait, I'm not...
Bianca: Oh, come on. Don't be modest, Gus. You are totally Bud!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Yo!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You believe this?
Shawn Spencer: Uh, no, I didn't... I didn't catch any of it, *Bud*.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Stop telling people that my name is Bud!
Karen Vick: I can sit here all night, Betty. I have a sixth month old at home who still has colic. I consider this a reprieve.
Detective Goochberg: Scarecrow, did we get him?
Carlton Lassiter: No, no, your little pursuit kind of ended when you had a mild cardiac arrest. When were you gonna tell me about the pacemaker? And how dare you try to scale a fence in high heels? He was the *victim*, Goochberg!
Detective Goochberg: But did we get him?
Carlton Lassiter: [realizing he is talking into her deaf ear and moving to the other side] Yeah, yeah, we got him, Goochberg.
Juliet O'Hara: Yesterday, I went and got a Hymalayan mani-pedi. Yeah, at first it was just to get the other girls to talk, but then I realized how much my cuticles have been taken for granted.
Shawn Spencer: Jules, you do realize that we're the only ones who can see or *hear* you?
Juliet O'Hara: Met Alice Bundy today. Not a shiny, happy person.
Shawn Spencer: Hey, buddy, good news. I just got a fax confirming that the city of Santa Barbara has unanimously voted you Exorcist Of The Year.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, make all your little jokes. But I know who was right on my ass all the way to the car.
Shawn Spencer: I had no choice. You were my ride home.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, you were screaming, too.
Shawn Spencer: Yes, I was yelling, "Gus, stop! Let's be brave!"
[Gus is trying to distract Poppy while Shawn sneaks into the house]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [fake sobbing] Mrs. Pickles!
Poppy: There, there Diandre, your Mrs. Picles will come back to you.
[Gus sees Shawn eating a cupcake and begins to "sob" louder]
Poppy: Growing up in Edinburgh we had a basset hound that used to hoot like a snowy owl.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No kidding. What'd you name it?
Poppy: We just called him Basset Hound. My sister always used to call him Uncle Jimmy. I never knew why.
Shawn Spencer: Now, what I'm going to need from you is an article of clothing, preferably an undergarment.