Announcer: Dallas and Dynasty - those two sagas of rampant ambition - will not be seen at this time. In their place we present something less ambitious BUT more rampant.
Ben Schreiner: When a businessman creates an empire by stomping on his competitors, what's that called?
Doug Ptolemy: Ambition?
Ben Schreiner: And when a politician lies and cheats to get elected, what's that called?
Doug Ptolemy: Ambition?
Ben Schreiner: But when a kid writes his own note because he's late for school, what's that called?
Doug Ptolemy: Ambition?
Ben Schreiner: Nope. Detention.
Doug Ptolemy: Hey, Alasdair, what was the most ambitious thing you've ever done?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I did once try to get into the Book of World Records for the highest score in a PacMan game.
Doug Ptolemy: So what happened?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I DID get into the book of records but under a different category.
Doug Ptolemy: What was that?
Alasdair Gillis: Most quarters spent by a thirteen-year-old in a single day.
Barth Baggs: Listen, you guys, you can laugh if you like, but, Lisa, I will have you know that I have served over 250,000.
Lisa Ruddy: But how many EATEN?
Barth Baggs: I heard that!
Ben Schreiner: You know what the funny thing about ambition is?
Doug Ptolemy: No.
Ben Schreiner: If you don't have enough, you're lazy, and if you have too much, you're ruthless. You just can't win.
Ross Ewich: [finding the kids lying all over the set] Come ON! We're supposed to be doin' a show on Ambition. You kids look lazier than usual.
Ross Ewich: With YOU kids, AMBITION is the opposite.
Alasdair Gillis: [at summer camp] Ben, what're you doing? The 100-mile hike isn't until tomorrow.
Ben Schreiner: [packing his knapsack] Well, I'm just following our camp director's orders.
Alasdair Gillis: What orders?
Ben Schreiner: Well, remember this morning he told us not to rest until we've achieved our ambition in life?
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah? So?
Ben Schreiner: Well, my ambition is to go home.
[Packed, Ben abruptly leaves]
Alasdair Gillis: [calling after him] BEN! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT PAST THE GUARD DOGS! OR THE BARBED WIRED!
Ben Schreiner: [from far off] I have to try!
Christine McGlade: I need something deep, something that will bring out the best in me.
Alasdair Gillis: How about a laxative?
Ben Schreiner: Aw, but you GOTTA let me do a video!
Ross Ewich: Are you outta your tree? You know how expensive those things are? Michael Jackson's last rock video cost over a million dollars.
Ben Schreiner: Ah, couldn't we just HIDE it in the budget somewhere?
Doug Ptolemy: Mom, what was your ambition in life?
Valerie Prevort: Oh, Dougie, when I was a little girl I always dreamed of having a wonder husband, beautiful children and a gorgeous house.
Doug Ptolemy: Boy, are you ever lucky. You got everything you ever hoped for.
Valerie Prevort: Whoever said I got ANYTHING I ever hoped for? Eat you oatmeal.
Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television has been an Overly Ambitious Production... again.
Ben Schreiner: The greatest invention of all time is the thermos bottle.
Mr. Schidtler: The thermos bottle?
Ben Schreiner: Yeah. Keeps my soup warm in the winter and lemonade cold in the summer.
Mr. Schidtler: So?
Ben Schreiner: How does it know?
Lance Prevort: Ugh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays sittin' in front of that stupid screen!
Ben Schreiner: Not true, Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.
[Lisa has included Disneyland among the all-time greatest accomplishments of Mankind]
Mr. Schidtler: Disneyland? How can you compare Disneyland with the Great Wall of China and the Pyramids?
Lisa Ruddy: You know, I guess you're right, sir. They were okay but their rides just weren't as good.
Mr. Schidtler: [looking skyward] Rides? Where does the Board of Education get them, and why do they keep sending them to me?
Mr. Schidtler: Judging by these marks, I would say that some of you have been studying when you should have been goofing off. Ben! What is the meaning of this mark? Look here, you got a 95.
Ben Schreiner: I'm sorry, sir. I must have remembered a few things by accident.
Mr. Schidtler: Well, that's not good enough. You're staying after school and you are gonna sit and stare out that window like the rest of the kids.
Ben Schreiner: But, honestly, sir, I did my worst.
Mr. Schidtler: Well, I guess your worst just wasn't BAD ENOUGH.
Lance Prevort: How many times do I have to tell ya that'd we can't all be, uh, brain stergeons and, uh, nuclear physa-kists. SOMEBODY'S gotta clean out the cesspools and the sewers and play drums in, uh, rock bands.
Doug Ptolemy: So, Mom, whadda ya think of my ambition to get into archaeology?
Valerie Prevort: Oh, I can DIG it, Dougie. Get it? "Dig" it?
Alasdair Gillis: Is it true before you worked in an arcade you were in the army?
Blip: Oh, army? Yes, sir!
Alasdair Gillis: I can kinda see where the two jobs must have been similar.
Blip: Ohh... Whadda mean?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, in both places you were...
Alasdair Gillis: [flipping a coin] ... confined to quarters.
Alasdair Gillis: Why's the firing squad so restless today?
El Capitano: Ah, I'll tell you, kid. They're restless because they are sick and tired of shooting at little kids like you. They want to shoot something bigger. In fact, they all have a secret ambition to shoot at El Presidente, yeah?
Alasdair Gillis: Hey, that IS ambitious.
El Capitano: Yeah, sure.
Alasdair Gillis: You think they'll ever get the chance?
El Capitano: I don't think so. No. Where are they going to get the experience shooting adults?
Alasdair Gillis: What... Do they WANT some practice?
El Capitano: Of COURSE they want practice, but where are they going to find someone BIG?
Alasdair Gillis: YOU! You can be the target.
El Capitano: Me? Well, that's not a bad idea, but, uh, who is going to be El Capitano?
Alasdair Gillis: Hey, I can be the capitano.
El Capitano: You?
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah. It's always been my secret ambition to be a capitano.
El Capitano: Really?
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah. They're so dashing, and daring, and romantically handsome.
El Capitano: [giggling from the flattery] Y-you really think so?
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, and this could be my one chance.
El Capitano: Yes, and, you know, you're right because it's the one chance for the firing squad, the amigos, to shoot someone big instead of all you stupid little kids. We change places.
Alasdair Gillis: Okay.