Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch!
Title card/crawl: A long time ago, but somehow in the future... It is a period of civil war and renegade paragraphs floating through space. There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad. But you don't find that out 'til the next episode. And the hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it and they kiss. Which is kind of messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed? Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth. Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie "Gia." She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest... Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Peter (Han Solo): Hi, I'm Han Solo. I'm Captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by appearing in this movie.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): One of these days, I'm just gonna take off and join the Rebellion whether you like it or not.
Barbara Pewterschmidt (Aunt Beru): Over my burnt carcass.
Scott: [grunts and pushes Chris]
Pignose: He doesn't like you.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Sorry.
Pignose: I don't like you either!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't even know me!
Pignose: You know what? That's fair. I'm Pignose and this is my brother-in-law Scott. He's visiting from Hoth.
Scott: I don't know why they call it Hoth, they should call it "Coldth".
Pignose: Okay settle down.
Scott: I'm up after the band.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Oh, what the Phantom Menace is that guy's problem?
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.
Peter (Han Solo): [about the Millennium Falcon] Well, what do you think?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): What a piece of junk!
Peter (Han Solo): Thank you. This was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?
Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
Cleveland (R2-D2): [shoots out of a starship window like a gangster] YEAH! That's how we do it in MY neighborhood, bitch!
Peter (Han Solo): Man, Hyperspace always looks so freaky.
[the Doctor Who sequence shows]
Cleveland (R2-D2): [Darth Vader shoots and hits R2-D2] AAAAAAAAHHHH! Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2-Pac?
Lois (Princess Leia): Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Um, actually that's me. I made a Darth Doody. I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the darkside. I got pages of these, I could go on.
Peter Griffin: This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with part four.
Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic. Terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?
Admiral Motti: N... no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Admiral Motti: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh, okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the 0.01?
Admiral Motti: Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then.
Admiral Motti: No, no, the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Admiral Motti: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench. It's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Admiral Motti: Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only going to go up.
Admiral Motti: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it...
Stewie (Darth Vader): [Vader begins to choke him] I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location! Twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Admiral Motti: [choking] There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him!
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish.
Stewie (Darth Vader): All right, so were' going to plug up that hole?
Imperial Officer: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Ehhhh...
Imperial Officer: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Get estimates, yeah, yeah.
Stormtrooper 1: Look sir, droids!
Stormtrooper 2: Look, a penny!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): So, you got your reward and you're leaving? Is that it?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, when you say it that way, I sound like a douche. But yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Mick Hucknall: Intergalactic proton powered electrical tentacle advertising droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacle Advertising Droids! INTERGALACTIC PROTON POWERED ELECTRICAL TENTACLE ADVERTISING DROIDS!-Hi I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's intergalactic proton powered electrical tentacle advertising droids emporium and moon base! And due to a garbled sub-space transmission we are currently overstocked on all intergalactic proton powered electrical advertising droids! And I'm here to pass the savings on to yooouuuuu!...
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Is it a fast ship?
Peter (Han Solo): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): [Luke destroys a TIE Fighter] I got one! I got one!
Peter (Han Solo): Great kid! Don't get penis-y!
Barbara Pewterschmidt (Aunt Beru): Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you that your father is Darth Vader.
Rush Limbaugh: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again. They never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well, that's crazy, Just trying to scare us. And if that weren't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job. Affirmitive action strikes again.
Peter (Han Solo): If you want, I'll show you around since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us.
Stormtrooper: Stop that ship! Blast them!
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.
Peter (Han Solo): All right, strap yourselves in. I'm about to make the jump to light speed.
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I can't believe he's gone.
Lois (Princess Leia): I know, Luke. But it's true. He's gone. I mean, you saw him get beheaded. Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading. But to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Princess Leia): No!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): [to Vader] She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): ...Yeah.
Death Star superlaser technician 1: [after blowing up Alderaan] So, anyway, I says, "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave. I just want a railing. You know, one railing right here!"
[points to the edge of the platform they're standing on]
Death Star superlaser technician 2: Yeah, I know. I've almost fallen over that thing so many times. So what'd they say?
Death Star superlaser technician 1: Get this: they said they're worried we'd be leaning all day.
Death Star superlaser technician 2: They said that?
Death Star superlaser technician 1: Yeah.
Death Star superlaser technician 2: Well, none of this will matter when we're famous singers.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, it sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the 'Hey, let's experiment' kind of boarded from the rear.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, you mean the thing you just found out about three hours ago and are now judging *me* for not believing in?
Peter (Han Solo): Great idea, Princess! Diving into a pile of garbage! Hey, maybe when we get out of here, you can show us around your home planet of Alderaan. Ohhhhhhhhh, too soon?
Dr. Rumack: [appears behind Han] I just want to tell you both, good luck! We're all counting on you.
Brian Griffin (Chewbacca): We could always light some candles and read.
Peter (Han Solo): [everyone laughs] HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, read the inside of my butt.
Imperial Officer 1: Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.
Imperial Officer 2: Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?
Imperial Officer 1: You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody!
Peter (Han Solo): Looks like we've got Imperial cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone. You are driving.
Peter (Han Solo): We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose'em.
[the Falcon starts listing lazily to the left]
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Uh, that was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse'em.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up.
Imperial Officer 1: Where did they go?
Imperial Officer 2: There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!
Imperial Officer 1: Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.
Peter (Han Solo): Everything's under control here. Situation normal.
Stormtrooper: What happened?
Peter (Han Solo): We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right. We're fine. We're all fine here now. Thank you. How are you?
Stormtrooper: I've been better.
Peter (Han Solo): Well, tell me what's up.
Stormtrooper: Well, I'm in this relationship and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I like her, but we're not really connecting.
Peter (Han Solo): How long has it been?
Stormtrooper: About ten months.
Peter (Han Solo): And how often do you see each other?
Stormtrooper: Couple times a week.
Peter (Han Solo): Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often and see if you connect a little more? And if not, it may be time to move on. Thanks for calling. This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours right here on the midnight shift.
Mouse Droid 1: You ain't gonna believe what just I just seen.
Mouse Droid 2: Tyra Banks?
Mouse Droid 1: See, now you've said something better, so my thing don't sound cool no more.
Mouse Droid 2: Oh! Come on, what'd you see?
Mouse Droid 1: I don't remember. I just was thinking about Tyra Banks.
Mouse Droid 2: Can you imagine?
Mouse Droid 1: Every night! Don't shake my hand.
Mouse Droid 2: You ain't got no hand! You're a little truck.
Brian Griffin (Chewbacca): [makes a growling noise, then spits] Always gargle before I travel. Wakka Wakka! Ok, let's go.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): They're coming too fast!
Peter (Han Solo): A nickel for every time I had that problem.
Stewie (Darth Vader): My God, look at this mess! 'Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, shall we clean the place up?' 'No, It's okay. he won't mind.'
Quagmire (C-3PO): Who would you rather do: Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?
Cleveland (R2-D2): My father was a service droid!
Peter (Han Solo): [Han has installed the couch in the Falcon's cockpit] See how much more comfortable we are shooting stuff!
Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, thanks for the sex, early 90's printer.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): So you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
Peter (Han Solo): Well you put it that way, I sound like a douche, but yeah.
Cleveland (R2-D2): [Sees a hooded figure kneel before Luke and put a hand on his forehead] Who are you?
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): [Pulls back his hood to reveal Herbert the pedophile] One lucky son-of-a-bitch!
Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, who are you?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah! Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?
Stormtrooper 1: What was that?
Stormtrooper "RJ": Probably just another drill. You know what happened during the last drill? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, but then we heard there was this drill, and she said there was no way.
Peter (Han Solo): I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
Mouse Droid 1: Holy shit!