Kyle: It's the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson.
Police Sergeant: The blonde?
Policeman #1: Some young boy is having sex with Ms. Stephenson?
Policeman #1: Nice.
Police Sergeant: Nice.
Kyle: What? No, you don't understand...
Policeman #1: You sure they've had sex?
Policeman #2: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Policeman #2: Nice.
Policeman #1: Nice!
Policeman #2: [whispers] Nicccce.
Police Sergeant: So, wait. What's the crime?
Policeman #1: The crime is she isn't doing it with me.
Kyle: Hey! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him!
Police Sergeant: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and
Police Sergeant: give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away.
[cops laugh heartily]
Butters: [in the boys' bathroom, singing] Hey there, Mr. Weiner, what do you know? Do you need to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so!
Eric Cartman: [after seeing Ike and Miss Stevenson kissing] HALL INFRACTION!
Miss Stevenson: [nervously] Oh, we were just heading back in.
Eric Cartman: You got a hall pass, brah?
Miss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass, I'm a teacher.
Eric Cartman: Yeah? Well, where's HIS hall pass?
Miss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in.
Eric Cartman: Get down on the floor!
Miss Stevenson: We're going back inside!
Eric Cartman: You like bear mace, ice head?
Miss Stevenson: Bear mace?
Eric Cartman: You're going with Christ!
[sprays Miss Stevenson with bear mace]
Miss Stevenson: Aaaaahhh!
Therapist: Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
Miss Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.
Eric Cartman: Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?
Butters: Uhh... Sure.
Eric Cartman: You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.
Butters: Well I do...
Eric Cartman: You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!
[Cartman is walking down the hall as hall monitor, and a kid passes behind him. He immediately turns around and points at him]
Eric Cartman: HALL PASS!
Eric Cartman: [Holding him up to a locker and holding up a can of bear mace] YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BEAR MACE, FAGGOT! NOW GIMMIE YOUR HALL PASS, NOW!
Various: It's right here!
[shows him hall pass]
Eric Cartman: Okay you're cool, man, go with Christ.
Various: What? You can't just come up to me and...
Eric Cartman: [kicks him sharply aside]
[at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair]
Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"]
Kyle: [continues] My little brother and his tea...
Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
Kenny: [muffled] Really?
Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
Kyle: It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
Kyle: [looks long and hard] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, you're having a relationship with this student?
Cartman: Yes, during class time, without a hall pass.
Principal Victoria: This is unbelievable.
Cartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.
Miss Stevenson: Oh god.
Cartman: You just dealt with the dawg bitch!
Cartman: [singing] There's fear and darkness all around you/The criminals are on the run/No use in not having your hall pass/I'll take you to the principal cause I'm the dawg! I am the dawg, the big bad dawg, the hallway monitor!
Car dealer guy: [knocks on window] Hey kid, get out of there.
Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.
Cartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense!
Miss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
Police Sergeant: Well, that explains it.
Policeman #1: Do we still press charges?
Police Sergeant: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
Police Sergeant: Damn it! Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?
Kyle: Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. *Then* ruin it by having a serious relationship.
Eric Cartman: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
[shoves student against locker]
Eric Cartman: Do you know what this is? this is the mace that they use on bears, faggot!
Sheila Broflovski: Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she's left town with my son. I've got a note saying they're going to Milan.
Policeman #1: You're kidding?
Sheila Broflovski: No, it's true.
Policeman #1: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?
Sheila Broflovski: This is serious!
Officer Foley: [sarcastic] Yeah, a boy is going to Milan with a beautiful, older woman. Quick, call the FBI!
[all policemen laugh]
Sheila Broflovski: ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOTHING?
Policeman #1: All right, all right, we'll make a report. Jesus!
Miss Stevenson: Hold on, please. You don't understand!
Kyle: Really? What's there not to understand?
Miss Stevenson: Your brother and I are in love.
Kyle: He's a little young, don't you think?
Ike Broflovski: Oh!
Miss Stevenson: Ike is very mature for his age and you know it.
Ike Broflovski: Ring around the roses.
Miss Stevenson: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me hard or soft and...
Kyle: Alright! We're getting the hell out of here!
Ike Broflovski: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Kyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.
Ike Broflovski: [starts crying]
Miss Stevenson: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
Kyle: [after a pause] This is nuts.
Kyle: Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex.
Sheila Broflovski: Sex? Oh, booby, Ike is much too young.
Miss Stevenson: [after having sex with Ike Broflovski] That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know. They'll never understand. We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible?