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"South Park" Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (TV Episode 2006) Poster

Quotes

Kyle: It's the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson.

Police Sergeant: The blonde?

Kyle: Yeah.

Policeman #1: Some young boy is having sex with Ms. Stephenson?

Kyle: Yes.

Policeman #1: Nice.

Police Sergeant: Nice.

Kyle: What? No, you don't understand...

Policeman #1: You sure they've had sex?

Kyle: Yeah!

Policeman #2: Has she performed oral sex on him?

Kyle: I think so.

Policeman #2: Nice.

Policeman #1: Nice!

Policeman #2: [whispers] Nicccce.

Police Sergeant: So, wait. What's the crime?

Policeman #1: The crime is she isn't doing it with me.

[cops laugh]

Kyle: Hey! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him!

Police Sergeant: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and

[pauses]

Police Sergeant: give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away.

[cops laugh heartily]

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Butters: [in the boys' bathroom, singing] Hey there, Mr. Weiner, what do you know? Do you need to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so!

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Eric Cartman: [after seeing Ike and Miss Stevenson kissing] HALL INFRACTION!

Miss Stevenson: [nervously] Oh, we were just heading back in.

Eric Cartman: You got a hall pass, brah?

Miss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass, I'm a teacher.

Eric Cartman: Yeah? Well, where's HIS hall pass?

Miss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in.

Eric Cartman: Get down on the floor!

Miss Stevenson: We're going back inside!

Eric Cartman: You like bear mace, ice head?

Miss Stevenson: Bear mace?

Eric Cartman: You're going with Christ!

[sprays Miss Stevenson with bear mace]

Miss Stevenson: Aaaaahhh!

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Therapist: Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?

Miss Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.

Therapist: Nice...

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Cartman: This is the kind of mace they use on bears faggot!

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Eric Cartman: Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?

Butters: Uhh... Sure.

Eric Cartman: You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.

Butters: Well I do...

Eric Cartman: You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!

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[Cartman is walking down the hall as hall monitor, and a kid passes behind him. He immediately turns around and points at him]

Eric Cartman: HALL PASS!

Various: Whaa?

Eric Cartman: [Holding him up to a locker and holding up a can of bear mace] YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BEAR MACE, FAGGOT! NOW GIMMIE YOUR HALL PASS, NOW!

Various: It's right here!

[shows him hall pass]

Eric Cartman: Okay you're cool, man, go with Christ.

Various: What? You can't just come up to me and...

Eric Cartman: [kicks him sharply aside]

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[at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair]

Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?

Stan: Sure, dude.

Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?

[Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"]

Kyle: [continues] My little brother and his tea...

Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?

Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!

Stan: Dude, what's the matter?

Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.

Stan: ...Wow.

Kenny: [muffled] Really?

Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.

Kyle: It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.

Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.

Kyle: [looks long and hard] Stick it inside her and pee?

Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

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Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, you're having a relationship with this student?

Cartman: Yes, during class time, without a hall pass.

Principal Victoria: This is unbelievable.

Cartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.

Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.

Miss Stevenson: Oh god.

Cartman: You just dealt with the dawg bitch!

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Cartman: [singing] There's fear and darkness all around you/The criminals are on the run/No use in not having your hall pass/I'll take you to the principal cause I'm the dawg! I am the dawg, the big bad dawg, the hallway monitor!

[laughs]

Car dealer guy: [knocks on window] Hey kid, get out of there.

Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.

[gets out]

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Cartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense!

Miss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.

Police Sergeant: Well, that explains it.

Policeman #1: Do we still press charges?

Police Sergeant: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

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Police Sergeant: Damn it! Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?

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Kyle: Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. *Then* ruin it by having a serious relationship.

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Eric Cartman: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!

[shoves student against locker]

Eric Cartman: Do you know what this is? this is the mace that they use on bears, faggot!

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Sheila Broflovski: Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she's left town with my son. I've got a note saying they're going to Milan.

Policeman #1: You're kidding?

Sheila Broflovski: No, it's true.

Policeman #1: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?

Sheila Broflovski: This is serious!

Officer Foley: [sarcastic] Yeah, a boy is going to Milan with a beautiful, older woman. Quick, call the FBI!

[all policemen laugh]

Sheila Broflovski: ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOTHING?

Policeman #1: All right, all right, we'll make a report. Jesus!

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Miss Stevenson: Hold on, please. You don't understand!

Kyle: Really? What's there not to understand?

Miss Stevenson: Your brother and I are in love.

Kyle: He's a little young, don't you think?

Ike Broflovski: Oh!

Miss Stevenson: Ike is very mature for his age and you know it.

Ike Broflovski: Ring around the roses.

Miss Stevenson: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me hard or soft and...

Kyle: Alright! We're getting the hell out of here!

Ike Broflovski: No, no, no, no, no, no!

Kyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.

Ike Broflovski: [starts crying]

Kyle: Ike!

Miss Stevenson: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?

Kyle: [after a pause] This is nuts.

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Kyle: Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex.

Sheila Broflovski: Sex? Oh, booby, Ike is much too young.

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Miss Stevenson: [after having sex with Ike Broflovski] That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know. They'll never understand. We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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