Announcer: Family Ties Tied Much Too Tight will not be seen at this time so that we may present the following relative disaster.
Christine McGlade: OH, Alasdair, I heard that your grandparents were coming to visit this weekend?
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, they are.
Christine McGlade: Oh. Well, what're you gonna do with them while they're here?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I'll probably just stick 'em in a playpen for most for the visit, uh, maybe drag 'em off to a couple of really boring museums and set them down and tell 'em really dull stories about my life.
Valerie Prevort: VAL
[to Adam and Alasdair as they mop the bedroom floor]
Valerie Prevort: And after you finish in here, I want you to wash the kitchen floor and vacuum the living room, then I want the garbage painted. Now hurry up.
Alasdair Gillis: Boy, Adam, your mom sure is strict.
Adam Kalbfleisch: MY mom! I thought she was YOUR mom.
Alasdair Gillis: You mean, you don't live here?
Adam Kalbfleisch: No, I just came to deliver the paper.
Alasdair Gillis: Then why'd we stay?
Adam Kalbfleisch: Hm. I guess it's because we never get a chance to clean up like this at home.
Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, isn't it great?
Adam Kalbfleisch: Yeah.
Alasdair Gillis: Well, by the way, how do you paint garbage?
Christine McGlade: You know something, Lisa, I've noticed that every single joke you tell has something to do with food. I mean, from which side of the family did you get this obsession with food?
Lisa Ruddy: Well...
Christine McGlade: Actually, though, MY theory is that you must have gotten your obsession with food from BOTH sides of the family, because it would take two sides of a family to make hips as wide as yours.
Lisa Ruddy: Oh, yeah? Well, Christine, I was wondering which side of your family has a St. Bernard dog in it, 'cause that's where you got YOUR looks from.
Christine McGlade: Don't start harping on my looks, Ruddy.
Alasdair Gillis: Can you guys please break it up?
Lisa Ruddy: Oh, shut up, Alasdair.
Christine McGlade: Actually, Alasdair, we were wondering which side of your family has the speckled trout in it.
Lisa Ruddy: Yeah, like, where did you get all your freckles from?
Alasdair Gillis: Speckled trout, huh?
Christine McGlade: Mm-hm.
Adam Kalbfleisch: They do have a point there, Alasdair.
Christine McGlade: Yeah.
Alasdair Gillis: I wouldn't talk, Adam. I mean, with legs like yours makes you wonder which one of your relatives was a telephone pole.
Adam Kalbfleisch: WHAT?
Alasdair Gillis: I mean, I've heard of family trees before but not trees in the family.
Adam Kalbfleisch: Your joke's funny, bought-face.
Stephanie Chow: Can you boys break it up? You fight like sisters and brothers.
Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television has been a Listen To Your Mother Production.
[Alasdair and Christine are playing car on a bed when Valerie enters]
Valerie Prevort: Christine? Guess what, dear. You're getting a new little brother.
Christine McGlade: Mom, that's great!
Alasdair Gillis: The three of us will have so much fun!
Valerie Prevort: No, you... you don't understand, Alasdair. I didn't say we're getting ANOTHER little brother...
Valerie Prevort: [back to Christine] ... I said you were getting a NEW one.
[Valerie steps back intot he hallway]
Valerie Prevort: Come here, dear. There we go. This is Adam.
Valerie Prevort: [laying hands to Alasdair] I'm taking this one back. He never worked anyway. Last week it ATE the garbage instead of taking it out.
Alasdair Gillis: If you haven't noticed, we're doing this show with a whole new cast. Right, Adam?
Adam Kalbfleisch: [as Alasdair touches the cast on Adam's right arm] Very funny.
Lisa Ruddy: You know, Adam, it must be a real PAIN to wear that thing.
Adam Kalbfleisch: Well, actually, I'm making the best of it. I'm goin' around the studio and getting all the TV stars to sign my cast. Pretty soon they'll all have signed it.
Stephanie Chow: That must make it an ALL STAR CAST.
Ross Ewich: Ya know, Alasdair, old pal...
Alasdair Gillis: Mm-hm?
Ross Ewich: ...you could be a very wealthy kid.
Alasdair Gillis: Aw, get out of town!
Ross Ewich: No-no-no. I'm serious. Dhere are hundreds of millions of dollars left by dead people to their descendants that go unclaimed year after year. Now if you let me do your family tree, I just might be able to prove that you are the sole, surviving relative of some dead multi-millionaire.
Alasdair Gillis: You think I might be?
Ross Ewich: Well, sh-sh-sure, you COULD be. Just a modest fee and I'll do it for ya.
Alasdair Gillis: Well-well, Ross, I'd really have to think of it...
Ross Ewich: Well, come on! If you're a multi-millianaire, you can afford THAT.
[shortly thereafter, a fool and his money part company]
El Capitano: All right, so we got this nonsense straightened out about chu being related to me. You're not, so let's get on wid it. Ready, aim...
Alasdair Gillis: But there is one thing that slipped my mind that I didn't tell ya.
El Capitano: What?
Alasdair Gillis: Well, I'm not related to you, but I AM related to the amigos.
El Capitano: ALL... the amigos?
Amigos: [voices off camera] Si! That's right. Si!
Alasdair Gillis: AND, um, we're a very big family.
El Capitano: And a very CLOSE family?
Alasdair Gillis: Right.
Amigos: [voices off camera] Si! Si! Si. Si.
Alasdair Gillis: [to the amigos after taking El Capitano's sowrd] Okay, just a little to the left.
[At the sound of many feet scuffling, rifles pointing to Alasdair swing left to point at El Capitano]
Alasdair Gillis: Beautiful. Great. Ready. Aim!
Ma Barth: Here ya are, sonny.
Alasdair Gillis: W-well, uh, Ma Barth, it's looks really interesting, um... What is it?
Ma Barth: Dah, this is my, dah, specialty. It's southern fried armadillo belly supreme smothered in red ridge catfish liver sauce, and then... THEY are collards and they're cooked in dandelion milk.
Adam Kalbfleisch: It all sounds like stuff you ran over in the parking lot this morning.
Ma Barth: Ohhhh, you guessed. D'oh, squash my skunks.
Alasdair Gillis: Lisa Ruddy, I don't want that pipsqueak of a cousin of yours hangin' around here anymore. I don't trust her one bit.
Lisa Ruddy: Alasdair, how can you say that? Look at her sweet, innocent face. She's got her mother's eyes, and her father's nose, and her grandmother's hair.
Alasdair Gillis: And my wallet!
Lisa Ruddy: What? And my watch! Stephanie?
Mr. Schidtler: Today, class, we are going to study the science of genealogy. Does anybody know anything about genes?
Lisa Ruddy: Oh, sure. Um, Gene Simmons - he was the lead singer of Kiss.
Christine McGlade: Uh, and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean?"
Mr. Schidtler: No-no-nooo. "Genes" - the things that make you what you are.
Alasdair Gillis: Oh, you mean, like, designer jeans?
Lisa Ruddy: Oh, I have some new pairs of Calvins.
Mr. Schidtler: Where does the school boar find them and WHY do they keep sending them to ME?
Alasdair Gillis: Can I please borrow three dollars?
Lance Prevort: Hey, w-w-watch it, Alasdair. If I'd asked your gramma for the loan of three dollars when I was a kid, she woulda grabbed me by the ear and dragged me around the room tellin' me her life story.
Gramma: [chuckling] Oh, now, Lance, you are a one.
[Lance and gramma chuckle]
Gramma: Here you are, grandson - one, two and three. Have a good time. You don't have to pay me back.
Alasdair Gillis: Thanks, Gramma. Thank you.
Lance Prevort: Boy-oh-boy! How times have changed, aye? Heh-heh-heh.
Gramma: Oh, well...
Lance Prevort: Hey, Mom? Ma, could you, uh, let me have three bucks?
Gramma: [disbelieving what she's hearing] Could I let you have have three bucks?
Lance Prevort: Yeah.
Gramma: [disapprovingly] Look it here, young man. Do you think that money grows on trees.
Lance Prevort: Oh, no. Oh, no.
[Gramma grabs Lance's ear and starts leading him around the room, tellin' him her life story]