Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?
Jack: Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
Conan O'Brien: I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.
Conan O'Brien: That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan O'Brien: What's the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan O'Brien: Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
Tracy Jordan: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toufer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy Jordan: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy Jordan: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
Tracy Jordan: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy Jordan: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...