It looks like the budget for this film was roughly the same as the price of two McDonald's Happy Meals and a pack of Big Red gum. Yet it is not cheapness that defines Quench. It looks like most of the cast learned how to act by watching the Spider-Man segments on public television's old Electric Company show. Yet it is not the largely deficient performances which define this movie. No, Quench is defined by the awesome tediousness of Zack Parker's writing and direction. Imagine if the world's dullest man went to film school, graduated with a GPA of 2.76 and then made a movie that literally bored him to death while he edited it together. That's what Quench is like.
The story, which moves slower than molasses spilled on the surface of the ice planet Hoth, concerns scraggily-bearded college student Derik (Bo Barrett) hitchhiking his way to Richmond, Indiana to visit his childhood friend Jason (Ben Schmitt). Derik can't think of anywhere else to go after suffering a tragedy in his life, but he's put off by Jason's transformation into a small town wannabe goth, complete with black nail polish and a girlfriend who dresses and acts like a fat version of the lead singer of Evanescence. Jason and his girlfriend are involved in some secret group, something that alienates Derik as he sleeps on their couch and mooches off them for a couple of weeks. After Jason politely suggests Derik get off his lazy ass and get a job so he can help pay for basic expenses like food and utilities, Derik throws a fit like a first-class douche bag and storms out. He hooks up with Gina (Mia Moretti), a member of Jason's secret group. Like one of the psychotically lonely and desperate women from a VH1 reality show, Gina reveals the secrets of the group to Derik and asks him to join as her lover. After taking so long to get to that point that it felt like moss had started to grow on my eyeballs, it takes about 45 seconds for things to go bad with Derik and the secret group and the movie then ends with a twist that's more like a punch line from a basic cable comedy skit.
There is some female nudity in Quench, including the spectacular bazoombas of Samantha Eileen DeTurk as Jason's girlfriend, and Mia Moretti appears to have some acting talent. There's also a crude competence to the film-making and there are some ideas in the story that could have become genuinely interesting. However, everything in this film moves so very very slowly, as though writer/director Parker thinks tedium and dramatic tension are the exact same thing. It's not just that there are too many scenes that go on too long with nothing happening in them. It's that every single moment is stretched out and dwelled upon like the movie was timed out with a sundial. Judging from Quench, if Zack Parker were hired to direct a toothpaste commercial, he'd wind up making one that was 14 minutes long.
I'll be the first to complain about the hyperkinetic pace and visual blur of today's films that are made by people who have apparently never watched anything except music videos. However, it appears as though Parker has never watched anything except paint dry and grass grow.
It also doesn't help matters than Parker writes dialog like he's never had a fun or engaging conversation in his entire life. He also inexplicably has the main role in his movie portrayed by the least attractive guy in his cast. Bo Barrett makes Tom Green look like Tom Cruise. Even the male extras are all better looking than him. It may seem cheap and shallow, but the importance of having pretty people in your cast is inversely proportional to the production values of your movie. The better they are, the uglier your actors can be. The worse they are, the better it is to have the most attractive performers you can get, even if they can barely speak two sentences at a time.
Quench is a undeniable failure as a film. It is so stultifyingly languid that it might succeed as a cure for insomnia. If you do make the bad decision to watch it, be sure and not operate any heavy machinery afterwards.
The story, which moves slower than molasses spilled on the surface of the ice planet Hoth, concerns scraggily-bearded college student Derik (Bo Barrett) hitchhiking his way to Richmond, Indiana to visit his childhood friend Jason (Ben Schmitt). Derik can't think of anywhere else to go after suffering a tragedy in his life, but he's put off by Jason's transformation into a small town wannabe goth, complete with black nail polish and a girlfriend who dresses and acts like a fat version of the lead singer of Evanescence. Jason and his girlfriend are involved in some secret group, something that alienates Derik as he sleeps on their couch and mooches off them for a couple of weeks. After Jason politely suggests Derik get off his lazy ass and get a job so he can help pay for basic expenses like food and utilities, Derik throws a fit like a first-class douche bag and storms out. He hooks up with Gina (Mia Moretti), a member of Jason's secret group. Like one of the psychotically lonely and desperate women from a VH1 reality show, Gina reveals the secrets of the group to Derik and asks him to join as her lover. After taking so long to get to that point that it felt like moss had started to grow on my eyeballs, it takes about 45 seconds for things to go bad with Derik and the secret group and the movie then ends with a twist that's more like a punch line from a basic cable comedy skit.
There is some female nudity in Quench, including the spectacular bazoombas of Samantha Eileen DeTurk as Jason's girlfriend, and Mia Moretti appears to have some acting talent. There's also a crude competence to the film-making and there are some ideas in the story that could have become genuinely interesting. However, everything in this film moves so very very slowly, as though writer/director Parker thinks tedium and dramatic tension are the exact same thing. It's not just that there are too many scenes that go on too long with nothing happening in them. It's that every single moment is stretched out and dwelled upon like the movie was timed out with a sundial. Judging from Quench, if Zack Parker were hired to direct a toothpaste commercial, he'd wind up making one that was 14 minutes long.
I'll be the first to complain about the hyperkinetic pace and visual blur of today's films that are made by people who have apparently never watched anything except music videos. However, it appears as though Parker has never watched anything except paint dry and grass grow.
It also doesn't help matters than Parker writes dialog like he's never had a fun or engaging conversation in his entire life. He also inexplicably has the main role in his movie portrayed by the least attractive guy in his cast. Bo Barrett makes Tom Green look like Tom Cruise. Even the male extras are all better looking than him. It may seem cheap and shallow, but the importance of having pretty people in your cast is inversely proportional to the production values of your movie. The better they are, the uglier your actors can be. The worse they are, the better it is to have the most attractive performers you can get, even if they can barely speak two sentences at a time.
Quench is a undeniable failure as a film. It is so stultifyingly languid that it might succeed as a cure for insomnia. If you do make the bad decision to watch it, be sure and not operate any heavy machinery afterwards.
