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"How I Met Your Mother" The Scorpion and the Toad (TV Episode 2006) Poster

Quotes

Barney Stinson: Being a bachelor in New York is like... what's something that everyone likes?

Marshall Eriksen: Candy?

Barney Stinson: Yes. It's like being in a candy store, and all you have to do is grab a couple of Whoppers. Is Whoppers the best one?

Ted Mosby: Mounds?

Barney Stinson: Nah.

Marshall Eriksen: Milk Duds?

Barney Stinson: Nah.

Ted Mosby: Gobstoppers?

Barney Stinson: Um...

Older Ted Mosby: This went on for hours, so I'll skip right to the end.

Ted Mosby: Double Bubble?

Barney Stinson: Nice!

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[Barney is chatting with twin sisters at McLaren's, both of which he stole from Marshall]

Barney Stinson: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er - manager. Why do I keep doing that?

[Lily storms in and glares at Barney]

Barney Stinson: Lily?

Lily Aldrin: You gave me chlamydia, you jerk!

[Lily throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out]

Barney Stinson: So, where was I? Ah yes, assistant ménage-er - I did it again. I can't believe it!

[Lily storms in again, this time wearing a hat, and changing her voice slightly, yells:]

Lily's "twin": You gave my twin sister chlamydia! You slime!

[Lily's "twin" throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out. The twins Barney was talking to get up and leave]

Barney Stinson: Wha... wait! I know magic!

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Barney Stinson: Haaaaave you met Marshall?

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Marshall Eriksen: You said being single would be like a candy store.

Barney Stinson: I lied. Being single is like a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man for himself. After nine years of captivity, that is my greatest lesson to you.

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Barney Stinson: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl.

Marshall Eriksen: You went home with her!

Barney Stinson: Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five!

[Stares at Marshall for a minute]

Barney Stinson: Nice!

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Barney Stinson: Marshall Eriksen, suit up!

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Ted MosbyRobin Scherbatsky: I have something to tell you...

Robin Scherbatsky: No, you first.

Ted Mosby: I found a 1939 penny in the subway. Think of the history this penny...

Robin Scherbatsky: Lily is back in New York.

Ted Mosby: She is? Why did you let me go first?

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Robin Scherbatsky: We're getting past Everything's Fine Lily and into 1998 Cinco de Mayo Lily, and I'm not cleaning that up again.

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Older Ted Mosby: About hangovers - everyone has their own special remedy.

Waiter: Morning guys, what can I get you?

Lily Aldrin: Shhh!

[Pats her head]

Lily Aldrin: Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. And a milkshake.

Waiter: For you, sir?

Ted Mosby: Gravy.

Waiter: You want that gravy on something?

Ted Mosby: Surprise me.

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[after Lily returns from San Francisco]

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.

Robin Scherbatsky: You're on.

Ted: Five *American* bucks.

Robin Scherbatsky: Dammit!

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Barney Stinson: [after Marshall has Lily claim Barney gave her and her "twin sister" chlamydia, scaring off his prospects] Well played, Eriksen. Well played.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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