Dane Cook: Vicious Circle (2006 TV Special)
Dane Cook: [as his friend Robert] Wait! Wait, du-... wait!... Dude, I heard a car!
Dane Cook: And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.
Dane Cook: We uh... We started to do one of my favorite things. We started to make out...
[a few girls in the audience scream]
Dane Cook: Ah, thank you, sluts.
Dane Cook: And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?
Dane Cook: I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
Dane Cook: You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
Dane Cook: We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
[talking about movie dates and how guys can never find their seats]
Dane Cook: So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"