Melissa:
Service me bitch!
[
discussing the Bridemaid’s dresses]
Melissa:
What's your dress size, Tom?
Tom:
I don't know. What's your jock size, Melissa?
[
last lines]
Tom:
Oh, Monica...
Hannah:
Oh, Bill...
Dennis:
I can feel my sperm dying inside of me, one at a time.
Colin McMurray:
in the scene at the gym after Colin dunks the ball, "I'm sorry, that's probably not allowed... to just stuff it in there like that."
Tom:
Nobody in the world makes me laugh the way you do. You're my best friend. I just wanna be with you.
Christie - Wife #6:
If you're a bad boy, I'm gonna spank you!
[
she spanks Tom]
Tom:
Ow! Ok, I've got something to say to you.
[
Hannah kicks him]
Tom:
Ow!
Christie - Wife #6:
Tom, I just want you to know that if you need anything, money, advice, help with girl problems, you can always come to me. I'd like you to think of me as a real mother.
Tom:
Alright, sure
[
Tom's dad comes over]
Christie - Wife #6:
Oh, here he is!
Thomas Bailey Sr.:
She's just as drunk as the night we met.
[
Tom starts to take a drink from his whiskey but Christie snatches it away and drinks it herself]
Tom:
Oh got right on ahead.
Thomas Bailey Sr.:
[
Slaps Tom] You're a bad influence on her!
Tom:
Wha-? Me?
[
Thomas Sr. and Christie walk off]
Hannah:
He knows that he can just date right?
Tom:
No, I don't think so.
[
They laugh]
Tom:
I have a theory.
Hannah:
Oh, Casanova has a theory.
Tom:
I'm sorry I can't break that rule. I have a rule about that.
Melissa:
Could someone please pass me the Splenda? Could someone who is not a misogynist pass the Splenda?
Melissa:
[
Stephanie takes the sugar bowl out of Tom's hand and passes it to Melissa] Thank you, Stephanie.
Hannah:
We won't be naming our child, Athol. Maybe when he's a teenager.
Colin's Father:
My mother's third cousin was the Duke of Athol.
Aunt Minna:
We're a long line of Athols.
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