Dr. Gregory House: [comes into Cuddy's office] Okay, fine! I'll father your child, first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How many days do you have left?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh, I could probably get through this maybe...
[tilts head to the right]
Dr. Gregory House: next minute or so.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And your coming to me means your lackeys actually stood up to you. I'm impressed.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, their cowardice is inspiring.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, you should be thanking them. If they caved, it'd give the cops evidence that you intimidated underlings to feed your addiction.
Dr. Gregory House: I hate writing "Thank You" notes. Would it be weird if I asked Cameron to write them?
[Cuddy stares at him; she pulls out her prescription booklet]
Dr. Gregory House: You're hooking me up?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Unfortunately, if I cut you off, it'd give the cops evidence that you don't really need the pain meds.
Dr. Gregory House: I knew that cleavage was a smokescreen. You're a genius.
[reaches for the script with a grimace on his face and also a bent right arm]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't lift your arm?
Dr. Gregory House: You can't pee standing up? Gimme.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You been doing physio? Maybe you pulled...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, been training for Pants-Off Dance-Off. Gimme the script.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your shoulder problem isn't physical.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, we'll find out if you ever give me the...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's new? What's different? Any big changes in your life recently? Fight with the wife maybe?
[House looks at her]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's good. Means your shoulder's a human being. It's a start.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [smiles] I'm right, right?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah! Just not about me.
[begins to limp off, leaving Cuddy still holding onto the script. He goes and snatches the script from Cuddy, and then limps outside]
Dr. Gregory House: Hmmm, good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [House is writing down something] What are you writing?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing.
Dr. Robert Chase: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?
Dr. Gregory House: [finishes writing] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?
[licks the envelope]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30-second perusal of his file.
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently, you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch.
[writes something on the envelope; walks over to the whiteboard]
Dr. Gregory House: If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game.
[places the envelope on the whiteboard with a magnetic paperclip. On the envelope written is "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]
Bruce Steinerman: [to Wilson] Dr. House is probably going to jail. You keep on lying for him, you'll go right along with him.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron after trying to stress out Jack] Can't you see his heart is fine? Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman, Chase, and Cameron] Why so sad? Still a chance Chase got it right.
[looks at the test result paper and pretends to read it]
Dr. Gregory House: Ohh! That was suspenseful for about 2 seconds.
Dr. Robert Chase: [refuses to write House a script for Vicodin] We both know it's not gonna be just one. I'd rather lose my job than lose my license.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No. No one's gonna die.
Kama Walters: [sarcastically] In the whole world ever? That's so great.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [chuckles] I meant...
Kama Walters: I know what you meant.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [when House gets a new cane] Nice cane.
Dr. Gregory House: [with a sexual wink and voice] If I know what you mean.
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Jack] You want us to starve him so we can drive him into another seizure and maybe a heart attack just so we can run another tox screen?
Dr. Gregory House: That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him.
Dr. Gregory House: [sees an old man with a cane that looks like his old one] Oh my God! Why are you using that?
Old Man: I've had it for years.
Dr. Gregory House: No, that's...
[shakes his head]
Dr. Gregory House: that's gonna make your shoulder hurt. You need one of these.
[thumps his cane in front of the old man and takes the old man's cane from him. He takes off his sling and starts walking with Foreman with the cane in his right hand]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to old man] He's a doctor.
[gives him a thumbs up]
Dr. Allison Cameron: [refuses to write a prescription for House] Here. This'll tide you over. Takes the edge off my PMS, do wonders for you.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Jack] It can't be genetic. He would have been getting infections since he was an infant.
Dr. Gregory House: Not if he grew up in a bubble.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either.
Dr. James Wilson: [walks in during a differential] I have a patient. I need...
Dr. Gregory House: Not now!
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go.
Dr. Gregory House: [she begins to leave] You'll stay. Patient's dying.
Dr. James Wilson: So's mine.
Dr. Gregory House: Not in the next hour.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Noble.
Dr. Gregory House: Moronic.
[Foreman stares at him]
Dr. Gregory House: It's a synonym.
Dr. Gregory House: [Wilson is at his desk in his office writing letters and putting them into envelopes. House enters the room] Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony?
[Wilson ignores House]
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, mail can wait.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd overreact.
Dr. James Wilson: [angry tone] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!
Dr. Gregory House: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.
Dr. James Wilson: [yells] 3 hours!
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody die?
Dr. James Wilson: Not this time!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want.
[sits on the couch]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough...
Dr. James Wilson: [screams] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!
Dr. Gregory House: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?
Dr. James Wilson: YES! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't need any help.
Dr. James Wilson: House, get out of here. Get out of here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not gonna make me feel guilty about what Tritter's doing... to us.
[gets up to leave]
Dr. James Wilson: [laughs humorously] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience, and that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer.
[House leaves; Wilson continues his work]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You know you have a problem.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. It's got a badge and everything.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, you're pathetic! You'll analyze anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine.
Dr. Gregory House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.
Dr. Robert Chase: House was on this page when he got that annoying "I'm such a genius" look.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Are you okay?
Dr. Gregory House: I hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football.