My Life in Ruins (2009)
Irv: I'm Irv Giddeon, and I've come here to see as many ancient ruins as possible.
[looking Barnaby up and down]
Irv: And judging from your husband, the trip is already a success.
Irv: [to the tour group] How many of you, like me, have come here to fondle as many nude statues as possible?
Irv: I have a question.
Irv: [referring to Dr. Tullen, who is covered head-to-toe] What's with the beekeeper?
Mr. Tullen: My wife needs protection from the sun!
Irv: But we're not going to the sun.
Georgia: [walking with Poupi as the tour shops for souvenirs] Standing in the middle of culture and history and they want a fifty-fifity poly/cotton blend T-shirt with a picture of a Trojan horse. Why am I spending my life showing tourists gorgeous ancient ruins they care nothing about? And Pangloss Tours pays lousy. They book the worst hotel rooms. I don't have any friends here. I actually don't know anybody. Really, I haven't had sex in forever.
Poupi Kakas: Forever is a long time.
Georgia: You speak English?
Poupi Kakas: [smiling] Yes.
Irv: I'm not a god. That's just a rumor my mother started.
Georgia: [as they pack the bus] Poupi, do you know if a close beach?
Poupi Kakas: [smiling] Of course.
Georgia: And do you have any 16-year-old handsome nephews?
Poupi Kakas: Of course.
Georgia: Good. Will you call him for me.
[starts walking away]
Poupi Kakas: Hey, wait.
Poupi Kakas: Why?
Georgia: [coyly] I like to keep my options open.
Georgia: Why does Nico always get the good group?
Maria: His evaluations don't say: Average.
Maria: By the way, Spiros eloped with that girl with no foot.
Georgia: [going through the mail] Excellent!
Georgia: I'm being sarcastic.
Maria: You're not funny. Stop trying.
Georgia: Who's my new driver? Not Themio.
Maria: He's in jail. You got the substitute. Procopi.
Georgia: [as her come through the side door, with her back to him] The creepy, hairy, creepy guy?... He's right behind me, isn't he?
Georgia: [to Procopi] So I have rules. You cannot speed, you cannot smoke and you cannot eat while driving...
[when he just looks at her]
Georgia: Great. You don't speak english.
Maria: [after Georgia leaves] That girl. That girl has no kefi, What Greek does not have spirit, eh?
Nico: Maybe she's half Greek.
Maria: This was supposed to be temporary while she looked for some big-shot teaching job. And now no one will hire her and I am stuck with her.
Nico: Hey, if I make her quit, can I have a raise?
Irv: [to an unimpressed Georgia, about his jokes] Jeez, this is comedy. The Greeks invented it. It's like mustaches on women.
Georgia: Australians are the nicest people, but you can only understand about half of what they say.
Kim: [talking loud] Excuse me. Is this Pangloss Tours?
Georgia: Group B?
Big Al: Sweet marble cake! She speaks American.
Ken: Hey big fellow, how many bells have you got on the old dickory?
Big Al: [kinda shocked] What the hell is he saying?
Sue: Oh wake up, Australia. He wants to know what time it is.
Dr. Tullen: [handing Georgia money, about Irv] That man is so rude. Make it stop.
Georgia: [to three elderly women as they join the tour] Group B? Yes. Names.
[they just hold up their cards]
Georgia: You don't speak English, do you? And Maria gave you to me.
Georgia: Kalimera, everyone. Kalimera. That's Greek for: Good Morning.
Georgia: I'm not just a tour guide. I am a professor of Classical History.
Ken: [to Georgia about the driver] Is the Sasquatch gonna be with us the whole time?
Georgia: You must think I'm crazy.
Poupi Kakas: Yes.
Georgia: Fair enough. Why would not tell me?
Poupi Kakas: I thought you needed to talk. I have three sisters, so talk.
Georgia: Do you ever question what you're doing with your life?
Poupi Kakas: No.
Poupi Kakas: Talk more about the no sex.
Georgia: I'm good. Thanks.
Poupi Kakas: You don't question? Come on. Greece is the land of philosophers.
Georgia: Yes, but that is their job.
Poupi Kakas: My job is to drive the bus. You know it pays better.
Georgia: Come on. You don't have a life plan?
Poupi Kakas: How do you plan life?
Poupi Kakas: Come on, we'll get some coffee and you can talk.
Georgia: What? We're working.
Poupi Kakas: Everyone should take the time for a coffee.
Georgia: That is the typical Greek mentality.
Kim: Oh, Al, honey. We gotta get to the room. I'm ovulating. Like now!
Big Al: Kimmy, you know I can't perform on command like that. That's not natural.
Georgia: [on the phone to her boss] Greece has the most beautiful accommodation. Like: first-class hotels with, like your own swimming pool in your room. How do you find these crappy joints?
Maria: [on the phone, painting her nails] Lucky I find somewhere. Yeah, you try finding a hotel on the budget.
Big Al: [about the sacrament box in the church] Everything's got its price. Let's go find that preacher.
Mr. Tullen: We have to have photographs so people will believe we were here.
Dr. Tullen: Who won't believe we were here?
Mr. Tullen: Well, Donald and Peggy for a start.
Irv: [as the group gathers outside of the church] You know, my wife and I have taken tours for 20 years. This one gotta be the worst.
Georgia: Here we go again. Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, I stink, I wrecked Greece.
Irv: [sadly as he walks past her] It's the worst because my wife is not here. And it's just not the same.
Georgia: Well, you know what? If I were her, I wouldn't be here with you either. I'm sure she's spending her vacation somewhere...
[stops as his face turns down, mortified as she realizes what he meant]
Georgia: I'm so sorry.
Poupi Kakas: What was his name?
Poupi Kakas: it's over, some women cut their hair. Some women run away to Greece. So...
Georgia: I did not move to Greece because of some man. Why? Who'd you shave for?
Marc: [about the guys bathing in the fountain] It's like Fourth of July at Elton John's house.
Georgia: What is it with tourists and ice cream? They had some this morning, then again after lunch. And now again with the $4 cones. I don't get it.
Irv: You know, I was a much nicer guy when my wife was alive. She died three years ago. She used to say to me, 'They don't know you're kidding, Irv.' She would say, 'You're not as funny as you think you are.' Just like you.
Georgia: It's nice you had had a good marriage.
Irv: [chuckling] We fought everyday. I took her to Egypt. We fought all day about whether the pyramids were majestic or 'magnificent. It was magic. Twenty-eight years. I woke up every day smiling.
Georgia: [wistful] I could live with that.
Georgia: [on the bus, to her group] I'd like to apologize for my unprofessional attitude this morning. Have you ever had one of those days? Actually, it's been about a year.
[as he raises his hand]
Georgia: Yes, Irv.
Irv: Me too! I would like to apologize to everybody. It was my medication. I take Preparation H, 'cause I'm an asshole.
Georgia: [walking around the ruins] I know every fact and every figure about this place. I mean, I love it here. And they just want to have fun. And I get it, but I don't know how to make this job fun.
Irv: Well if you call it a job, it ain't fun. I mean, look at porn stars. They get to 'schtup' all day. They should be happy. You never hear about a happy porn star.
Irv: Don't you have a boyfriend?
Georgia: I'm on a tour bus like six days a week.
Irv: Well, you gotta get in touch with your wild thing.
Georgia: [furiously at Nico] Hey! Don't diss my group! They're nice people.
Irv: You know how you like to get up in front of everybody and bore us?
Georgia: [dryly] Please go on.
Irv: I have a very exciting idea. Why don't you try entertaining everybody?
Georgia: Irv, how am I gonna do that?
Irv: History has got a lot of dirty stories. Sex sells.
Georgia: Sorry about your bus.
Poupi Kakas: You distracted me. I could have killed you. All of us.
Georgia: I was just trying to have fun.
Lena: [to Irv, as he acts as the Oracle] Why did my husbands cheat on?
Irv: It wasn't you he cheated. Some men cheat themselves out of living a life with a woman they love.
Lena: Thank you.
[to Irv, while he acts as the Oracle]
Dr. Tullen: Will my daughter ever stop sulking?
Caitlin: Will my parents ever stop fighting?
Irv: Parents sometimes forget that they're an example.
Gator: [doing shots of Grapa] I've never ever seen this kind of alcohol before!
Georgia: Where did you learn English?
Poupi Kakas: I rode my motorcycle across England.
Georgia: Of course.
Georgia: [as he's holding her] So I just wanted to tell you... You're such a nice guy. And I'm... Okay, look. This can't happen.
Poupi Kakas: But it must. You said you haven't made love in forever.
Georgia: Yeah, when I thought you didn't speak English. You know what? I've decided I'm leaving Greece, because this whole moving here was an experiment to be brave and spontaneous, and... Okay. You know, this whole impulsive and crazy and you know, jump into a thing, thing?
Poupi Kakas: Georgia?
Poupi Kakas: Your butt is too small.
Georgia: [as she turns to kiss him] Oh, that did it.
Mr. Tullen: [trying to get her out of the tent] Elizabeth, dear, do please come out of there.
Dr. Tullen: I won't! I don't want to get sunburned.
Caitlin: [walking closer] If you don't come out, I'm going to tell everyone how old you are.
[an orange parasol emerges from the tent, followed by Dr. Tullen, looking stunning in a one-piece black swimsuit]
Mr. Tullen: [taken aback] Well... *that* was certainly worth the wait.
Nico: [sarcastically, to his group] Fine, fine! Take your stupid pictures and I go get you some ice-cream.
Georgia: Hey, listen. It's not a big deal but my name is not Angie or Angie.
Big Al: Yeah, we know. It's Georgia.
Georgia: So why do you call me Angie?
Big Al: Look at you. You look just like Angelina Jolie.
Kim: You know that actress that adopts everybody. We love her.
Big Al: You must get that all the time.
Georgia: I do, yes.
Dorcas: [hands her a jewelry box] Georgie, I got these for you.
Georgia: Dorcas, you shouldn't do this.
Dorcas: It's alright. I got the receipt.
Georgia: [surprised] Good for you.
Dorcas: Well, it's a start.
[to Irv, while he acts as the Oracle]
Kim: We've been talking about starting a family, and, well...
Big Al: Big Al's just gonna come out and say it: I'm scared, man.
Irv: Being a parent is the most rewarding thing ever. And I know you're going to be a great father.