Hammond Druthers: [about the model trees Ted made] Too green.
Ted Mosby: Too green?
Hammond Druthers: I want them to be more of a natural brown color. Almost a brunette. Also, they need to be bushier.
Ted Mosby: Bushier?
Hammond Druthers: I want this tower to emerge from a thicket of unkempt brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted?
Ted Mosby: I can't unpicture it.
[after Marshal infers his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney Stinson: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.
Narrator: Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the northwest.
Hammond Druthers: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane national bank building.
[Shows the model]
Bank President: That's a penis!
Hammond Druthers: That's... that's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love.
Bank President: We're not building a penis. You got any other ideas?
Hammond Druthers: Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers.
Bank President: [Looks at the building] Well, hats off to your ladyfriends, but I'm not building it.
Ted Mosby: [after Lily takes Hammond Druthers' baseball] Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired!
Lily Aldrin: No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.
Ted Mosby: This isn't kindergarten. Mr Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.
Lily Aldrin: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.
Ted Mosby: No. You'll give it back or you're fired
Lily Aldrin: I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.
Ted Mosby: Then you're fired.
Lily Aldrin: Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now.
Marshall Eriksen: I'm not really comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law teacher.
Barney Stinson: Who would you rather have grading your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?
Marshall Eriksen: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.
Ted Mosby: I thought you said it was going to be a piece of cake. I remember, because you were eating a piece of cake at the time, and you said, "My class is going to be this."
Robin Scherbatsky: To Ted, the youngest architect ever to design a building over 70 stories... probably!
[in Barney's hospital room]
Professor Lewis: Mr. Eriksen, hello. Oh, I graded your paper tonight. I was
[looking at the injured Barney]
Professor Lewis: pleasantly surprised.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, she was.
Professor Lewis: B+.
Barney Stinson: B+? Marshal, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physiotherapy, I am gonna get you that A.
Marshall Eriksen: Let her go. She belongs out there. In the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar... and lived.
Barney Stinson: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides.
Barney Stinson: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.
Professor Lewis: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I wanna do when I get home.
Barney Stinson: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you. Holding back 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. This time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes, days, weeks, half a year.
Professor Lewis: Fine, come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.
Barney Stinson: I think I'm falling in love with you.
Professor Lewis: Oh, God, that wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.
Barney Stinson: No, we had sex yesterday.
Professor Lewis: Oh, right, that. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.
Barney Stinson: C-? What are you talking about? I pulled an all-nighter.
Professor Lewis: You didn't budget your time well. You glossed over some of the most important points. And your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.
Barney Stinson: [in Italian accent] Scusi. I am Luigi, Italian exchange student. I was, um, walking to class, but then I notice you, bella principessa.
Professor Lewis: Tell me what you want and get out.
Barney Stinson: Direct, I like that. The name's Barney. What I want... is you.
Professor Lewis: Turn around.
[after Barney turns around]
Professor Lewis: My place, two hours, don't be tardy.
Barney Stinson: [Examining Marshall's law professor outside her office] Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse.
[Points to the professor's low-cut top]
Barney Stinson: The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws?
[Points to her long nails]
Barney Stinson: Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin.
Ted Mosby: Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant.
Hammond Druthers: Ah.
Lily Aldrin: Nice to meet you.
Hammond Druthers: Isn't it?
Marshall Eriksen: My professor's like, the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney Stinson: [perking up] Really? Laid, you say?
Marshall Eriksen: You wouldn't be into her. She's, like, in her late 40s.
Barney Stinson: She hot?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.
Barney Stinson: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin Scherbatsky: A what?
Barney Stinson: A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
Ted Mosby: What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle?
Robin Scherbatsky: Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design. And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia.
Robin Scherbatsky: At least, not healthy male genitalia.
Lily Aldrin: Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Then he stared at me until I laughed.
Ted Mosby: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Lily Aldrin: Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back.
[Gives him a handful of screws]
Lily Aldrin: Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.
Robin Scherbatsky: [about Lily taking things from people who act mean] Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?
Lily Aldrin: Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis.
Robin Scherbatsky: [to Ted] I gave them to you for your birthday.
Ted Mosby: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?
Lily Aldrin: I prefer to call them "justice khakis."
Ted Mosby: That's not justice. It's shoplifting, and it's a crime.
Lily Aldrin: So is being mean.
Hammond Druthers: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note.
Hammond Druthers: "Dear Mr. Druthers,I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.
Lily Aldrin: [to Ted] Interesting
Hammond Druthers: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose - major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world - ever "allegedly" did!