Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
[Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]
Brian Griffin: [after carjacking someone in Aspen, Colorado] Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie Griffin: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
Brian Griffin: [Brian singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name.
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian Griffin: James Taylor.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah let's keep it that way.
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert.
[takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf]
Brian Griffin: This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.
[looks closer at the tag]
Brian Griffin: And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.
Guy: Wow! I can't believe it! One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone!
Sharon Stone: Yeah. Now comes the best part.
[She turns into a monster and bites the guy's head off]
Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.
[Brian slaps him]
Stewie Griffin: Ah, bitch
Herbert: Hey there, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, Mr. Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-downs?
Chris Griffin: Yep!
Herbert: You got anything that you used to wear in the summer time?
Chris Griffin: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.
Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that
Stewie Griffin: ... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.
Peter Griffin: Aw, you should've seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.
Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?
Stewie Griffin: [To an African American] You're welcome
Guy: Excuse me?
Stewie Griffin: I'm just saying make it worth our while, we wrote a pretty big cheque for you folks.
Guy: I'd say the events that preceded it, the hundred years or so, we're even
Stewie Griffin: Yeah we gave more.