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By Edgar Allan Poe, by way of Ulli Lommel
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
I, not thinking, brought back The Raven from the movie store.
While I watched, I wished for napping, to save me from this horrid crapping,
As Ulli Lommel's vicious trapping made me feel like his dirty whore.
'Tis god awful,' I muttered, 'this movie I abhor-
I wish I had rented something more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember, this would have offended famous Edgar,
As he clawed the lid of his coffin, deep below the graveyard floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - nothing's brought me greater sorrow,
Had I just been somewhat stronger, I'd've thrown this out the door,
Perhaps shook it off and ascended to the store,
But I stayed for Ulli's hellish tour.
What this movie was about, I can't be certain,
It filled me with boredom - a boredom I'd never felt before.
An hour's time, the cast sat eating--and only talking, ain't that cheating?
With nary a reference to Mr. Poe, what was this movie made for?
If not to honor a genius, why suffer through this chore?
That it is, and nothing more.
'Damn this movie's scent of farting! Damn it all!' I shrieked upstarting-
'This movie doth much offend me, I wish to hear me snore!
Does Ulli think my brain is broken, perhaps a boob who is soft-spoken,
As to not see in this 1800's sequence a very modern bedroom door?'
I pressed fast forward; the movie soared, thought of watching; held it more.
Qouth the Raven 'I'm a bore.'
And The Raven, so unfitting, please leave sitting, PLEASE leave sitting,
It can't bore you if it stays unseen, sitting in the movie store.
Late at night, it haunts my dreaming, I even sometimes wake up screaming,
And shake away haunts of Ulli's movie, filled with nothing but corny gore.
Nightly I pray o'er us all, my knees tucked 'neath me on the floor,
I pray to God that no luckless soul ever lift The Raven from the movie store.
Quoth the Raven 'I'm a stain and nothing more.'
I have no clue why a movie of this quality was released to major video
stores. It's supposedly based on the Poe story, though the main
connection is the lead character is named Lenore.
But this is a glorified amateur movie. It's shot on digital video. The "actors" seem to be friends of the movie maker and the acting is the quality of porn acting, without the sex scenes to dull the pain. It's "arty", which can be described as random video shots with no context or meaning with generic music in the background.
Ed Wood made bad movies with intent, with passion. This is just utter tripe, made to make a cheap buck. Read the reviews of the director's other films and you'll see a pattern.
I wish i could give it a 0. I'm doing a project on Edgar Allan Poe so I though it might be a good idea to watch some movies relating to Poe so I went down to blockbuster to get this, and while waiting in line we read the description and we all knew it was going to be bad, but oh my god I couldn't imagine it would have been this terrible. The story doesn't even make any sense and there's all this random crap in it that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I've seen some bad movies (we actually try and find the shittiest looking movie we can find for fun) but this one easily has the lowest budget I've seen, it looks like they just used a regular video camera and couldn't afford real actors so they just had friends act in it. Afterwards my friend even said "God, I can't believe we didn't stop watching it" I even just made this account so I could comment on it.
I watched this thinking it would be good. Im a huge Edgar Allan Poe fan. I sat back thinking it would be great. Such potential. Then it started. That is where the trouble began. The first 5 minutes make absolutely no sense. It's here, there and everywhere. Once the story starts, it has so little to do with the poem by Poe that its irritating. It was also very, very obviously done with the lowest possible budget imaginable. If you like good movies, pass. If you like B movies, pass. This is worse than a B movie. They don't actually show you much of any of the killings. You get the joy of seeing only shadows and being left to guess just what happened. When they do show you the dead bodies, you see blood, but strangely no wounds. The one good thing I will say on this movie is that at least they had the good sense to put trailers for some good movies on this DVD. Do yourself the favor of skipping this terribly made movie. You will be very, very glad you did.
Just one thing.
I am German. And I feel ashamed by movies like this, by Lommel, by Boll, and all those other German directors, that recently entered Hollywood to produce the worst movies, that an human mind can ever imagine. This movie right here actually is even worse than anything I could imagine before.
So... Just understand: it's not our fault... Nobody in Germany knows these guys, nobody knows, where they are coming from and who pays them money to produce this. We like good movies, too, and yes, we hate these guys, too.
I honestly feel ashamed. As a German, I apologize for this. Thank you for your attention.
I realize he's dead since quite some time now, but I sincerely hope
that the spirit of Edgar Allen Poe still has enough strength and energy
left to rise from the depths of eternal darkness and HAUNT Ulli Lommel
(as well as everyone else involved in this blasphemous turkey) until he
opts for premature burial. Yes, I do realize that sounds cruel, but
have you seen this movie?!? "The Raven" is the type of film of which
you initially think: "Hey, how bad can it possibly be?" The film is
inspired by the writings of the legendary Edgar Allen Poe, so as long
as the script remains faithful to its source, very few things can go
wrong. Clearly a lot of things can go wrong when Ulli Lommel is in
charge! The plot is a seemingly endless bunch of retarded nonsense that
has NOTHING to do with the original poem, the cast members are a
gathering of insufferable losers that don't even deserve to star in an
amateurish YouTube video, the digital camera-work and editing appear to
be the work of toddlers and the arrogant wannabe-artistic atmosphere
nearly causes you to vomit. Lenore is a twenty-something untalented
singer whose mind is inexplicably linked to Poe's and he even appears
to her in nightmares. There's a killer (the penis-munching freak from
"Cannibal") on the loose and Edgar commands her to go after him. Or
something like that, whatever, nobody cares anyway, because it's all
pure rubbish. Lommel himself makes a brief appearance as the girl's
grandfather when she's five. He wears a ridiculous eye-patch and a sea
captain's hat, which pretty much states that he hasn't got the
slightest bit of self-dignity left. Once upon a time the promising
director of the video-nasty classic "The Bogey Man", Ulli Lommel now
just appears to be on a mission to become the world's record holder of
repugnant films linked to his name. The amount of crap this guy
unleashed upon the world is literally incredible. "B.T.K Killer",
"Zombie Nation", "Green River Killer"
You better just avoid
everything he did.
Enough about this piece of junk! Back in the 1960's, director/producer Roger Corman made a cycle of films based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe; all starring the magnificent Vincent Price and all close to brilliant. Corman's reputation is questionable and his nickname is "King of the B's", but he surely had (and probably still has) more sense of class and finesse in his smallest toe than Ulli Lommel in his entire body.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
(might contain spoilers)
This movie has managed to make it's way to number one on my list of worst horror movies ever created. I'm a big horror movie fan, and some of my favorites are B rate, low budget ones.. but this was just awful. It had absolutely nothing to do with "The Raven" aside from some annoying old guy reciting a line every now and then.. and I they managed to shove some clips of a Raven sitting around for no apparent reason. I would recommend this movie if:
1. You like nonsense plots involving a killer that looks like he has the mentality of a 7 year old and says stuff like "Huh huh i kill them... ALL" in a stupid voice accompanied by writing on the screen. 2. Someone there for absolutely no reason running around a grassy field with long black finger nails and plaid pants. 3. Someone taking a metaphorical dump of a piece of Edgar Allen Poe's work. 4. Sticking abstract scenes in that make no sense and don't even fit together. 5. Wasting an hour and 20 minutes of your life.
If you said you would like any of those.. first I'd say go rent this movie right away.. then get your head checked.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I watch a lot of direct to DVD horror films and I really appreciate the
work that goes into them. I've given Ulli Lommel's films several
chances and I'm sorry I have to say this one is no better than the
others. It's horrible.
There is possibly 20 minutes of actual story. If you got a really exceptional editor, he might be able to cut out 60 minutes of crap to create an interesting short...possibly. As it stands, the editing is as ridiculous as the story. You can't go 10 seconds without some pointless trip cut or jump cut. There are agonizing periods of minutes where Lommel tries to create suspense and succeeds only in creating boredom.
I don't know why it's billed as "Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven." Poe appears as a character and recites some passages from his work but the story bears no resemblance to The Raven we know. I'd love to know how Lommel keeps getting deals and money to make these things.
I have no problem with movies shot digitally. They can look really great. This one, however, does not. In scenes where they use more than just natural light, there are all kinds of double shadows and other weirdness.
Finally, the acting is really beyond comparison. I can't imagine the direction the actors were given was very helpful but still...
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
OK I don't know how to explain how horribly bad this movie was. So lets start off with the first thing I noticed. The filming. Wtf? The film style was rather late night cable on CBC style. Very low budget, possibly done with a handicam. And lets continue on with the amateurish acting. I think Jenna Jameson is actually a better actress than most of the folks in this one. In their def however, how can you take a movie this lame seriously? They took one look at the script and were probably thinking 'Well, everyones gonna hate it so might as well just have fun!' The kill scenes were lame, very poor to no SFX. And what was with the jagoff killer running around in red and green checker pants. Is he santa claus? Now lets get to the worst part. The storyline. Some weird emo kid reads a bunch of poetry and then grows up to be an even more emo kid in a rather crappy all girl band. The recording studio is filled with complete skid marks when they go there, including some guy about roughly late 40's with a haircut he's about 20 or so years too old for and makeup. Then we get to the end of the movie, and edgar allen poe, who's been really really dead for quite some time comes in and saves the chick and then walks off. I'm not clear if this was supposed to be some dream sequence or that the writers just got lazy, but regardless, it was rather silly. I rented this from a video store, it had a real case, I was under the pretense it wasn't some piece of do it yourself garbage. I was horribly wrong. If you're going to put a movie out for public release to video stores, at least put a few decent screen shots to warn people of the low film quality. I made a better film than this at a summer camp as a teenager. Surely they could do better, honest to god I should hope so.
omg...This is the absolute worst movie I have ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever seen. The only thing I enjoyed about this movie was reading the
other User Comments about it, while the movie was on. After about 15
minutes, I just had to come to this site to see what type of rating it
had...the rating is far too high.
I spent a whole $7.00 (about $6.75 too much) on this unimaginably stupid movie. Now I have to donate $7.00 of stupidity to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.
Envision "shouting" with the proceeding:
Warning!!! Do not attempt to watch this atrocity!
Save yourselves! Learn from our mistake.
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