Falcon: All my life I've kept my heart in the closet... Lately, though... my ass keeps sticking out.
Granny Boone: Well, Bucky... If the North won't come to the South...
Mayor Buckman: ...we'll bring the South to them!
Crow: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, none shall rest till all are avenged!
Hucklebilly: Dang, Oprah! You grunt louder than a churchyard chicken!
Jesus: So what's a hottie like you doing with a limp dick like Jerry?
Bristol Bush: [laughs] Ever hear the one about the dumb blond that slept with the writer to get ahead in Hollywood? Guess that's me.
Jesus: [seductive tone] Oh... baby, you're no dumb blond. You're just misinformed. See, it's not the writers or directors that get you ahead. It's the teamsters. You stick with me, I'll hook you up.
Bristol Bush: [scoffs] Yeah, like I never heard that before.
Jesus: Bitch, I ain't playing you.
Bristol Bush: Oh, yeah? So, who are you gonna hook me up with?
Jesus: For one, a bunch of buddies of mine got this indie horror thing going on. See, horror has its hell these days, you know?
Bristol Bush: I would love to get killed in a horror flick!
Jesus: I bet you would, and I bet you'd look good too... all naked and covered in blood and shit.
Jerry Schmit: Hey, we can always camp out here. You know, get the girls in thongs, roasting marshmellows...
Bristol Bush: Whatever.
Jerry Schmit: It would make for some great footage.
Tina Sheraton: I don't think so. This place looks way too creepy.
Rome Sheraton: Yeah, it's makes Biscuit's hair stand up.
K-Jay: That would be the Formaldehyde, babe.
Falcon: Dude, respect.
Bristol Bush: For once, I agree with the debutantes. Let's just get out of here.
Falcon: Dude, did I ever tell you about the time I totally fucked my babysitter?
K-Jay: Bro, I thought you said your uncle was your babysitter.
Falcon: [beat] Uh... never mind.
Mayor Buckman: Now let's see here, from here to the road it's a couple of miles, same distance we had to flee from Pleasant Valley. Now, there's no sport in shooting fish in a barrel. so we hid some guns and ammo along the way. Now, If ya'll can go out there and find them and put up a good fight, why, you're free to go.
Val Turner: Oh, that is bloody bullocks! If you don't let us go now, I'll have my lawyer slaughter you up faster than you can say "IR Spectrum". I mean it, motherfucker!
[Val spits at Mayor Buckman]