- Alan Harper: Rose?
- Rose: Yes, sweetie?
- Alan Harper: You're a stalker.
- Rose: I prefer to be called "boundary challenged".
- Alan Harper: Just go away.
- Rose: Go away?
- [chuckles]
- Rose: Alan, I'm a stalker.
- Charlie Harper: All right. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
- [goes to the phone]
- Berta: What are you going to do?
- Charlie Harper: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
- Rose: You don't mean...
- Charlie Harper: Afraid so... Hello? Mom?
- Alan Harper: [Alan's lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up] God, what plague have you set upon me now?
- Evelyn: Alan, it's Mommy.
- Alan Harper: Good one!
- Charlie Harper: I'll go back upstairs, you come knock on my door again and say you want to talk to me. Only this time, I'll kill you!
- Alan Harper: Oh, come on! You're all I have left in this world! I need you Charlie!
- Charlie Harper: Anybody here know a "Charlie"?
- Alan Harper: [Opening Charlie's bedroom door] Charlie? Are you in here?
- Charlie Harper: [In bed with an attractive woman named Tina] Hey, Alan! Long time, no see!
- [to Tina]
- Charlie Harper: Say hello to my brother, Alan.
- Tina: [Waving] Hi, Alan!
- Cindy: [Suddenly popping up from under the sheets] Hi, Alan!
- Marie: [Suddenly appearing from the bathroom and joining Charlie in bed] Hi, Alan!
- Alan Harper: Umm... I'm interrupting?
- Charlie Harper: Gee, you think?
- Alan Harper: I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
- Charlie Harper: Sure, give me...
- [Looks around at the three girls in bed with him]
- Charlie Harper: An hour and a half!
- Alan Harper: An hour and a half?
- Charlie Harper: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here. Tina's got homework, Cindy's gotta meet her fiancé and Marie... Well, Marie's on the clock!
- Alan Harper: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
- Charlie Harper: Better safe than sorry!