Harriet Hayes: New legislation in Wyoming will allow bear hunters to carry automatic weapons with silencers. When asked to comment, a bear said, "RAAAAAAAAAWR!".
Jordan McDeere: Since when did Democrat or Republican become a demographic distinction we care about in the entertainment industry?
Jack Rudolph: Since the first plane took a left turn and gunned its engines into the North Tower, kitten.
Jack Rudolph: Thieves get rich, and Saints get shot, and God don't answer prayers a lot.
Ricky Tahoe: Do you think there's any chance you might come down off your high horse and stop being pissed at us for something that happened four years ago and work with us?
Matt Albie: Not a big chance, no.
Ricky Tahoe: Do you want us to quit?
Matt Albie: Badly. Do you think it's gonna happen?
Ricky Tahoe: Not a big chance, no.
Ricky Tahoe: Can we cut to the chase?
Danny Tripp: Yeah! If it were up to me, we'd even cut the chase.
Ricky Tahoe: What problem do the two of you have with the two of us and when is it gonna stop?
Danny Tripp: Whoa... whoa. First of all, Matt and I are two separate people. Don't paint us with the same brush. Matt has a problem with you. I'm completely indifferent towards you.
Ricky Tahoe: Was that supposed to be funny?
Danny Tripp: Guys, I've gotta get back in there.
Ricky Tahoe: Danny...
Danny Tripp: Bill Maher. He made a politically incorrect observation on his own show, helpfully titled Politically Incorrect, and the sky fell down on him. Matt was one of the first guys to take up his side and so the sky fell down on him. And when AP asked you for a reaction quote, do you remember what you said?
Ricky Tahoe: It was more than four years ago, Danny. I have no earthly idea what I said.
Ron Oswald: I do.
Ricky Tahoe: Ron...
Ron Oswald: You said, "Matt Albie certainly doesn't speak for the cast, crew and staff of Studio 60, whose thoughts and prayers are with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th."
Danny Tripp: See? He got it word-for-word. Were Matt's thoughts and prayers *not* with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th?
Ricky Tahoe: It was 9/11! Everyone was out of their friggin' minds, and by the way... I'm the one pushing the Bush sketches!
Danny Tripp: Yeah, I'd imagine now that the President's approval rating is seven guys in Tupelo, Mississippi, the water feels a little safer. Anyway, you asked the question, so...
Ricky Tahoe: And how long is this gonna go on?
Danny Tripp: That's entirely up to him.
Ricky Tahoe: He needs us, and you know it too! Nobody can write ninety minutes of television every week by themselves. He'll be dead by his sixth show.
Danny Tripp: And when that happens, I'm sure you'll be ready to take his job.
Matt Albie: Tell me the truth. You've talked to them, tell me the truth. How important is audience retention tonight?
Danny Tripp: It's important, Matt! We can't lose more than ten percent, what do you think? The sponsors, the affiliates, the press, the Right, our job, Jordan's job, everybody's job, it's important!
Matt Albie: Alright, lie to me next time.
Danny Tripp: That's what I'm saying...
Jordan McDeere: I'm sorry about the stupid thing I said in your office... about the drugs.
Danny Tripp: Thirty-thousand died in car fatalities last year. Seventeen-thousand of them weren't wearing seatbelts.
Jordan McDeere: What does that have to do with anything?
Danny Tripp: No, it's just you read it all the time. Two guys in a car, one wearing a seatbelt, the other one isn't, they're doing sixty down Mulholland, they blow into a telephone poll, the guy wearing the seatbelt's got two bruised ribs, a cut on his forehead, and the guy without the seatbelt gets decapitated.
Jordan McDeere: [referring to the time she was arrested on DUI charges] I was wearing a seatbelt.
Danny Tripp: I'm sure you were, I'm just not as sure that everyone else on the Long Island Expressway was. When I put a life in danger, it's my own.
Danny Tripp: [to Jordan] You know, you look like one of them, but you talk like one of us.
Danny Tripp: They wanna see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish.
Matt Albie: It's four years ago, all over again.
Danny Tripp: What did you think it was gonna be?
Matt Albie: Four years later, and by the way I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats if one of them would say or do something!
Cal Shanley: A transformer's out, something fell on a power line.
Danny Tripp: Are they fixing it?
Cal Shanley: In a manner of speaking.
Danny Tripp: What does that mean?
Cal Shanley: They don't know how to fix it.
Danny Tripp: [pause] How much do I want to know about this?
Cal Shanley: As little as possible.
Harriet Hayes: [in a thick Southern twang] Matt, I can do the witch as Holly Hunter if you want.
Matt Albie: I don't.
Harriet Hayes: [still in a southern twang] Would you like it if I spent the rest of the day talking to you as Holly Hunter?
Matt Albie: Not at all.
Harriet Hayes: [still doing Holly Hunter] It's hard for me to jibe with you since you have personified something which I truly think is dangerous.
Matt Albie: Stop now.
Matt Albie: [Tackling Danny, knocking him to the ground] I'm three years younger and I'm faster than you, old man.
Danny Tripp: [Flipping Matt over, pinning him] Three years older and I'm stronger than you, little boy.
[Danny has Matt pinned under him, on the beach]
Matt Albie: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny Tripp: I think they are.
Matt Albie: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a causal observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
Matt Albie: It's an acquired taste, but once you acquire it, it's like barrel-smoked whiskey.
Danny Tripp: What's that?
Matt Albie: I don't know, I think I might have made it up. What gets smoked in barrels?
Danny Tripp: Scotch.
Matt Albie: Scotch *is* whiskey. It's scotch whiskey.
Jeannie Whatley: [Matt and Danny have been walking along, ignoring Jeannie calling to them] IDIOT boys!
Danny Tripp: [they stop]
Danny Tripp: Is she talking to us?
Matt Albie: Yep.
Danny Tripp: Commit to it. You're gonna feel a strong instinct to make it bigger. Fight that with everything you got. No comedian you admire has ever been afraid of silence.
Matt Albie: [after Harriet throws up a fit over Matt's alleged affair with one of her co-workers] What is your problem with me? That after you broke up with me, I went out with somebody else? That's what almost always happens!
Harriet Hayes: Not someone from where I work! There are 17 strip clubs within a 3 block radius of this place for you. Not someone from my show!
Matt Albie: It's not *your* show, it's *mine". And there are only 5 strip clubs with a 3 block radius. I spent my 20s in this theater.
[the power goes out in the studio during rehearsal of a sketch called "Science, Schmience"]
Matt Albie: Harriet, you say a word, any word at all about God not liking to be mocked...
Harriet Hayes: [quoting Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News"] You know what? I think *you're* the Devil!