[after Dewey accidentally barges in a room filled with smoke and groupies]
Sam: [coughs] Get outta here, Dewey!
Dewey Cox: What are y'all doin' in here?
Sam: We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox: You're smoking *reefers*?
Sam: Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?
Dewey Cox: [Dewey doesn't have a sense of smell] No, Sam. I can't.
Reefer Girl: Come on, Dewey! Join the party!
[takes a hit off a joint]
Sam: No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!
Dewey Cox: You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.
Sam: It doesn't give you a hangover!
Dewey Cox: Wha-I get addicted to it or something?
Sam: It's not habit-forming!
Dewey Cox: Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.
Sam: You can't OD on it!
Dewey Cox: It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?
Sam: It makes sex even better!
Dewey Cox: Sounds kind of expensive.
Sam: It's the cheapest drug there is.
Dewey Cox: [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.
Sam: You don't want it!
Dewey Cox: I think I kinda want it.
Sam: Okay, but just this once. Come on in.
Edith: It's illegal to be married to two people at the same time, Dewey!
Dewey Cox: What about if, if you're famous?
Elvis Presley: It's called Karate, man. Only two kinds of people know it, The Chinese and The King. And one of them is me.
Dewey Cox: You know what? Go ahead! Take the children, I don't care! All I need is my music. I don't need you.
[pointing to the babies]
Dewey Cox: And I don't need "you". And I don't need "you". And I don't need "you". You're just sitting there all high and mighty in your diaper. If anything, you need me, you're a baby.
[singing while moving hay]
Pa Cox: The wrong kid died / The wrong kid died...
Dewey Cox: [speaking of his complex song] It's still not finished yet. I'm hearing... more Aboriginal percussionists. And I want an army of digeridoos. Fifty thousand digeridoos!
Sam: And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!
Edith: What about my dreams?
Dewey Cox: Edith I told you I can't build your candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won't work!
Dewey Cox: Goddamnit, this is a dark fucking period!
Dewey Cox: [irritated] I don't need people around me, stifling me. So if you don't like it, there's the door.
Theo: Dewey, are you sayin' you don't need us no more?
Dewey Cox: Not unless you can open your minds... and learn to play the fucking theremin.
Theo: FUCK YOU DEWEY!
Dave: Yeah, fuck you Dewey! In twenty years, not once have you thrown a woman my way. You don't think we like cheating on our wives too?
Sam: And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!
Dave: You pay that chimp more than you pay us! I had to borrow from the chimp to get a mortgage on my house!
Theo: And those stupid siamese glass cats you get us every year for Christmas! I don't want anymore siamese glass cats!
Dewey Cox: The siamese cat is a symbol of mobility in Ancient Egypt.
Sam: Fuck nobility!
Dave: Fuck Ancient Egypt!
Theo: ...Fuck cats!
Sam: And you never paid for drugs. Not once.
Dave: [angrily] You slept with my wife!
Theo: You slept with me too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!
Sam: And you never *once* paid for drugs!... Not once.
Darlene: You know I suffer the same temptations you do. Sometimes when I'm lyin' in bed, I ache for a man's touch... and by a man's touch, I mean a penis in my vagina.
Ma Cox: I'm just so glad you learned to play the guitar so good... even without having a sense of smell!
Dewey Cox: It's okay mama, I learned how to play by ear.
Nurse - Rehab: Doctor! Doctor!
Dewey Cox: I'm so cold.
Rehab Doctor: We need more blankets.
Nurse - Rehab: We need more blankets!
Nurse - Rehab: Doctor!
Dewey Cox: I'm so hot!
Nurse - Rehab: I think he has too many blankets.
Rehab Doctor: Fewer blankets!
Dewey Cox: I'm hot and cold at the same time!
Nurse - Rehab: He needs more blankets and he needs less blankets.
Rehab Doctor: [gravely] I'm afraid you're right.
Paul McCartney: [to John Lennon] I'm sick of you being so dark when I'm so impish and whimsical! I'm sick of it!
John Lennon: Hey everyone! I've got a brand new mantra. Ommm Paul's a big fat cunt!
Nate: Dewey, I'm cut in half pretty bad.
Dewey Cox: Springburry ain't big enough for me no more. I reckon it's time for Dewey Cox to move on.
Ma Cox: But y-you're only 14?
Dewey Cox: Mama, I love you. But I don't need nobody. All I need is my music. I've seen my path today, and I'm gonna take it, and some day, I'll make my masterpiece, and you'll all be proud of me. Just like you were of Nate.
Edith: Can I come, Dewey?
Dewey Cox: Of course you can, Edith! You're my girlfriend.
Edith: I am?
Dewey Cox: Yes, silly! I pointed at you in the audience.
Edith: [to the family] Did you hear that? I'm Dewey's 12 year-old girlfriend!
Nightclub Manager: [to Dewey] I pay you to mop the floors, not bug the band! My customers come in here to dance erotically, and they need a clean floor to do it on!
[Dewey walks in on Sam and groupies]
Sam: Get out of here, Dewey. You don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox: Whatch y'all doin' in here?
Sam: We doin' pills. Uppers and downers. It's the logical next step for you.
Dewey Cox: I want some of that shit!
Preacher: [referring to Dewey's Take my Hand song] You think we don't know what you're talking about when you say "take my hand"?
Dewey Cox: What do you mean? It's about holding hands.
Pa Cox: You watch your mouth.
Preacher: You know who's got hands? The devil. And he uses them for holding.
Dewey Cox: [talking to his chimp] I'll tell you, I've had it. I've had it with all this crap! You took her side every time! All you care about is fruit, and touching yourself. Well fuck you!
Press Conference Reporter: What do your parents think about your protest songs?
Dewey Cox: What do *your* parents think about my protest songs? Mr. "Time Magazine."
[Dewey meditating with the Maharishi and The Beatles]
The Maharishi: Only through meditation can we begin to understand our role.
Paul McCartney: We're nothing but... grains of sand.
Dewey Cox: That was freakin' transcendental, Paul McCartney. Don't you agree, John Lennon?
John Lennon: Yes, Dewey Cox. With meditation there's no limit to what we can...
[glares at the camera]
John Lennon: *imagine*.
Dewey Cox: What do you think, George Harrison of The Beatles?
George Harrison: I don't know. You know? I'm just trying to get more songs on the album.
Ringo Starr: And as Ringo Starr, I'm not so interested in meditation, I just like to have fun.
[holds up peace sign]
Dewey Cox: [laughs] I like the little one.
[Dewey walks into a room with Sam and three women]
Sam: Sam? What you all doing in here?
Sam: [holding a pill] Dewey, get out of here. You don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox: What is it?
Sam: It's medication for erectile dysfunction, it gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a pre-existing heart condition. If boners last more than four hours, call more ladies.
Dewey Cox: Well, that does sound tempting, but you know what, Sam? I really don't want no part of that shit.
Sam: Did you hear what I said? It gives you a boner!
Dewey Cox: [after being caught cheating] Baby, you don't know what it's like out there on the road. It's lonely out there. Edith, I can't be alone.
Edith: Yeah, well maybe you should've thought about that before you went and got double married!
Dewey Cox: Is *that* what this is about?
Dewey Cox: [singing] In my dreams, you're blowing me... some kisses.
Darlene: [singing] That's one of my favorite things to do.
Dewey Cox: [singing] You and I could go down... in history.
Darlene: [singing] That's what I'm praying to do with you.
[trying to write/sing a song playing a harp]
Dewey Cox: I had it all... I had it all... and then I fucked up!
Eddie Vedder: If Elvis and Buddy Holly are the Cain and Abel of rock and roll, Bruce Springsteen is Zachariah, Iggy Pop is Methuselah, and, of course, Neil Young is the wise prophet Ezekiel, then what does that make Dewey Cox?
[Nate's ghost appears when Dewey's in a rehab bathtub]
Dewey Cox: [smiling] Nate!
[younger Nate suddenly transforms into an older Nate]
Dewey Cox: [scared] Ahh! Nate?
Older Nate: This is what I'd look like had I grown up into an adult... and perhaps h-hadn't been murdered or whatever. I just came to tell you, you need to get your shit together!
Dewey Cox: [disappointed] I know. I've fallen again.
Older Nate: Will you listen to yourself? You keep whining like a little bitch! If I was alive right now, I'd be the fuckin' president! Of the United States! I'd be on the moon walkin' around lookin' for aliens to kill!
Dewey Cox: What?
Older Nate: You know why Dad liked me better than you? Cause I was better than you. When I played the piano, I was fuckin' awesome!
Dewey Cox: Oh, you think it's been easy for me? Since you're gone I got no sense of smell.
Older Nate: [mocking Dewey with a squealing voice] Oh you got no sense of smell? Can't smell anything? Ya can't smell anything?
Older Nate: [back to his normal voice] I got no sense of having legs Dewey! I have no life! I'm dead! Because somebody, I'm not gonna point out names right now, decided to murder me with a machete!
Dewey Cox: Nate...
Older Nate: I can't even smell, touch, feel, I can't even masturbate! You ever tried to jerk off with a ghost hand? Nothing!
[while Dewey's in and out of conscience in rehab]
Pa Cox: Dewey, I don't know if you can hear me in there... but the wrong kid died!
Dewey Cox: Prison has changed me. I understand the common man the way I never did before. I gotta get out of here! So I can bring joy to the men back in here, but I don't wanna live with them!
John Lennon: [to Paul McCartney] I wonder if your songs will still be shit "When I'm Sixty-four."
[Dewey is singing a very bad version of "That's Amore"]
Record Producer: Alright! Oh please, stop that! Stop your singing! Stop your singing this instant, young man! I will not have this in my studio! That's just a terrible, terrible, terrible... terrible "That's Amore."
Dewey Cox: Um, maybe it was the wrong song choice. If you'd just let me play one of my songs that I wrote, I think you'd like it a whole lot better.
Record Producer: You have failed conclusively! It's over! And there is nothing that you can do, here in this room... that can turn that around. Nothing you can do that can make up for what you just did to "That's Amore."
Dewey Cox: [quietly] Well, my mother liked it a whole lot.
Record Producer: Your mother was wrong!
George Harrison: [high on LSD with Dewey as a cartoon] Just keep thinking happy thoughts, Dewey. I'd hate for this to turn into a bad trip.
Dewey Cox: [scary music plays] Uh-oh!
George Harrison: What's that scary music?
Dewey Cox: I had an unhappy thought!
George Harrison: It's a bad trip.
Paul McCartney: Bad trip, bad trip!
Dewey Cox: [a machete walks up to him] Help! Trippy machete!
[the machete cuts him in half]
Dewey Cox: Aw, fuck me! I can see my large colon!
Dewey Cox: [wakes up] Ahh! I guess I do got some demons!
George Harrison: You alright Cox?
Dewey Cox: [frightened] I don't know!
Ringo Starr: Do you want some more LSD?
Dewey Cox: [excited] Yeah! I think I do!
Dewey Cox: [singing an extremely loud, "punk" version of "Walk Hard" due to the effects of cocaine] Alright again! Faster!
Dave: This is crazy, Dewey. Ain't nobody gonna wanna listen to music like this. You're standing there playing as fast as you can, singing like some sort of... punk!
Dewey Cox: Don't you dare try to stifle me. Who's band is this anyway? You cocksucker! I'll punch you in the mouth!
[on Charlie Manson]
Sam: His music his horrible... but he's a really nice guy.
Theo: Oh, couldn't be nicer.
Dewey Cox: But I have to say, I like your stuff. It's pretty good, and most of your records, I really enjoy.
Paul McCartney: Well, we're big fans of your records, too. We like to think that "Hard Day's Night" is our "Guilty As Charged".
John Lennon: [in a hard, Liverpool accent] Great record!
Paul McCartney: Excellent album! We learned a lot from ya.
John Lennon: Great record.
Theo: Well, we're real big fans of y'alls!
Dave: Huge fans! You guys are almost as good as The Monkees. You guys are great.
Dewey Cox: So you've never done nothin' you shouldn't've done to me?
Edith: What have I ever done to you?
Dewey Cox: Like that time you woke up in the middle of the night and drank up all the milk! And then I got up to have my corn flakes and there was none left!
Edith: Dewey, you cheated on me!
Dewey Cox: Oh, so I'm a cheater, but you can just drink up all the milk.
Dewey Cox: What happened?
Pa Cox: I'll tell you what happened. We were reading for bed when your song comes on the radio.
[the scene switches to the house, "Walk Hard" begins playing on the radio]
Ma Cox: It's Dewey! Your son is talented. You should be proud.
Pa Cox: Well, I must admit. It is kind of... catchy.
Ma Cox: Dance with me Pa.
[the two begin dancing]
Pa Cox: It does make you kind of want to move, doesn't it?
Ma Cox: It sure does.
Pa Cox: Maybe I have been kind of hard on little Dewey.
Ma Cox: Maybe you have.
[Pa twists Ma, causing Ma to accidentally lose her balance and fall out the window]
Pa Cox: You alright, ma?
Ma Cox: I'm alright!
[the radio falls out of the window and hits Ma in the head, killing her]
Dewey Cox: [starting to cry] She lost her balance... and fell out the window... and then the radio crushed her head?
Pa Cox: While she was dancing to your song. I thought you should know what your music does. It kills people. You made her happy, and it killed her. If Nate was alive this never would of happened.
[Pa begins to leave. As he turns the hall, he comes back around]
Pa Cox: Wrong kid died!
Dewey Cox: I think I'm doing okay for a 15 year old with a wife and a baby.
Pa Cox: You're not half the boy Nate was. You're not even half the boy that the top half of Nate was after you cut him in half.
Dewey - Age 8: So you're saying I'm less than a quarter of the boy Nate was?
Dewey Cox: Edith, I am starting to think... that maybe you don't believe in me.
Edith: I do believe in you. I just know you're gonna fail.
Country Doctor: This was a particularly bad case of somebody being cut in half.
[Dewey goes into a bathroom where Sam is with lots of groupies]
Sam: Get out of here Dewey!
Dewey Cox: What are y'all doing in here?
Sam: It's called cocaine. And you don't want no part of this shit!
Dewey Cox: Cucaine?
[Sam nods and smiles]
Dewey Cox: What's it do?
Sam: It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare!
Dewey Cox: I'm thinking maybe I'd like to try me some of that cucaine.
George Harrison: I just sit here while my guitar quietly wimpers.
Paul McCartney: Well you are the quiet one so why don't you shut the fuck up!
Ringo Starr: I've got a song about an octopus.
John Lennon: Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play the drums!
Darlene: Ok! Let's go drop acid with The Beatles!