Jackie Moon: In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
Jackie Moon: If you see an opossum, kill it. It's not a pet.
Dick Pepperfield: Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine off the court.
Dick Pepperfield: Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
Lou Redwood: No. I like to smoke when I drink.
Father Pat the Ref: Corndogs, Jackie! Corndogs, for all these people!
Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears!
Jackie Moon: No refunds, consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!
Petrelli: How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
Jackie Moon: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
Clarence 'Coffee' Black: So what's the plan?
Jackie Moon: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on Tv.
Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?
Jackie Moon: It's eyeliner dummy. Now who's first? Monix?
Monix: Oh yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
Jackie Moon: [screaming angrily at Father Pat the Ref] I'll burn your house down!
Jackie Moon: Nothing in the rulebook that says you can't play drunk.
Dick Pepperfield: Well actually there is.
Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of eh, Henry Ford... Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
Jackie Moon: [to Monix] I wish you were still a washing machine!
Dick Pepperfield: Here comes the Alley... and there goes the Oop!
Monix: Vakidis, open the window will ya?
Vakidis: Yes, right on!
Monix: Did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?
Vakidis: Yes, right on!
Dick Pepperfield: Well, we've got an especially dirty hippy here down on the court trying to sink an impossible shot.
Lynn: You think I've forgotten that you cheated on me twice?
Monix: I only cheated on you once. There just had to be two women.
Jackie Moon: Use small children as shields, bears like soft tender meat.