Gus: Was that guy trying to help me? Because I feel really creeped out right now.
Shawn Spencer: Dude, he put you on the creepy train headed for creepy island where the creepy natives drink creepy nectar out of creepy coconuts...
Shawn Spencer: [while "channeling" the spirit of an apparent suicide victim who had just landed a role in a play] I dazzle... And I stretch. I dazzle... And I stretch.
Gus: [after Shawn asks him to call a stress line] I don't know what to say!
Shawn Spencer: Here's a good opener... 'Hello, my name is Gus, and I have a deep seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat.'
Shawn Spencer: Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. And he is more integrity in his furry little hand...
Shawn Spencer: Paw. Than most people have in their whole... appendages. Appendages.
Shawn Spencer: All of. Than most people have in all of their appendages... combined.
Shawn Spencer: You take cats?
Wes Hiltonbock: Uh, yeah, I guess so. You two guys have a cat?
Shawn Spencer: We do, actually. It sort of like our child.
Wes Hiltonbock: I see. How you guys, uh, know each other?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We're partners.
Wes Hiltonbock: Gotcha.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, no, no.
Wes Hiltonbock: It's fine, really, I'm totally fine.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, we're partners in our private...
- relationship. Believe it, it's been a while. We finish each other's sentences. So, tell me, Wes, uh, why would you want to give up such a handsome apartment? Do you, uh, do you not like it anymore? Ooh, Gus, good news, shower for two.
Wes Hiltonbock: Uh.
Shawn Spencer: The man with his gun trained on you is not only a fine human being with a strong Irish hairline, he is an exemplary public servant and arguably the finest detective mind in the lower western Santa Barbara County area over the age of 35.
Shawn Spencer: You're wrong! There is a witness. There's a cat, I wanna talk to that cat. As soon as he's finish licking himself. Wow, I'm jealous.
[Shawn is eating in the middle of a crime scene]
Gus: How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?
Shawn Spencer: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: To be honest, I'm burnt. I just wanna take a nap.
Shawn Spencer: Couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, I'm glad to here you say that. I was kind of worried about telling you.
Shawn Spencer: Don't be a silly goose. Now, we've had a talk. I think we both felt it. And look at this. Here we are.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What is it, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Ok, here's the thing. The police *may* have found a body, which I *may* have picked up on my police scanner, which I *may* have brought with me.
Carlton Lassiter: [after Shawn puts the cat in the backseat of a car where a body was found] He's peeing!
Shawn Spencer: No, he's drawing your attention to the evidence.
Carlton Lassiter: By peeing on it!
Juliet O'Hara: What makes you think I would do anything to help you?
Shawn Spencer: Some would say it's the hair.
Shawn Spencer: [driving] I'm telling you, the cat is NOT my new partner!
Gus: [in the backseat] Then how come he gets to ride shotgun?
Shawn Spencer: I want to talk to that cat... once he's finished licking himself.
Shawn Spencer: [puts ear up to cat] Oh what's that? Oh I think he wants to sit in your chair, Gus. Is that cool?
Gus: How long are you gonna keep this up?
Shawn Spencer: Until we solve the crime!
Shawn Spencer: [shouting to McNab] McNab! Nabby!
Shawn Spencer: Buzz.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Buzz? Seriously?
Shawn Spencer: It's his first name. Don't you ever talk to him?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why would I talk to someone named Buzz?
Carlton Lassiter: What in the name of sweet justice are you doing at my crime scene?
Shawn Spencer: Your crime scene? That's funny, I didn't see your name on it anywhere.
Carlton Lassiter: Ha, ha. Get out!
Carlton Lassiter: That was adequate, Spencer.
Shawn Spencer: Don't thank me. Thank the little boy cat.
Juliet O'Hara: We're waiting for forensics to confirm, but it appears to be a suicide. Carbon monoxide poisoning. Asphyxiation.
Shawn Spencer: [holding the cat] Oh, I'm afraid the cat doesn't think so.
Carlton Lassiter: [after a crime scene tech blows in an evidence bag] Hey, Blowy! If you want to get your spit on the evidence, why don't you just lick it?
Shawn Spencer: I'd like to talk to that cat... as soon as he's finished licking himself.
Carlton Lassiter: There are no witnesses.
Shawn Spencer: I'd like to talk to that cat - as soon as he's finished licking himself.