[about his last name]
Mike Birbiglia: It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.
Mike Birbiglia: I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.
Mike Birbiglia: I wanted to be a rapper. But rap was very innocent back then. It was all like "Rippity-rap-rap-rap-tastic!" It's gotten so arbitrarily aggressive now, they'll be like, "It's 2005, motherfucker!" And I'm like, "Really? You're mad about the date? You gotta pick your battles, man, because no one's gonna believe you when you're mad about real stuff."
[as a rapper]
Mike Birbiglia: "You crashed into my car, motherfucker!"
Mike Birbiglia: "Yeah, well, you were mad that it was 2005. You're like the boy who cried 'motherfucker'!"
Mike Birbiglia: I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"
Mike Birbiglia: I'm not very good at drinking either. I just become another person when I drink. One time, I went out drinking and I met this girl and she gave me her number and I didn't want to call her back because I don't think she fell in love with me. I think she fell in love with Two Drink Mike. You know, Two Drink Mike loves dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife. And Five Drink Mike enjoys dancing with wildlife.
Mike Birbiglia: I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
Mike Birbiglia: I just love doing that voice: "Me and my cracker friends..." That's like my white guy doing a black guy doing a white guy voice, because all these black comics have that one white guy voice like "This is ridiculous!" like we all sound like British detectives. I don't know anyone who does talk like that. I feel bad for the one guy on Earth who does and he's watching all these black comics on TV and he's like, "This is preposterous! That doesn't sound like me at all! Wait'll I get my hands on that black fellow but first I'm gonna dance!"