Chief Wiggum: Guys we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw them in the lake.
[after doing that]
Chief Wiggum: Good, now the police car.
[after doing that]
Chief Wiggum: Hey, did you get my sweater from the front seat?
Lou: Um, yeah.
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah? Then where is it?
Lou: [sighs] I'll go get it, Chief.
[Walks into the lake]
Homer Simpson: [During the panic over the suspected alien-invasion] Burn everything!
Lenny: Hey Homer, we haven't actually seen these aliens.
Homer Simpson: That's alien talk!
Bart Simpson: This Krusty-brand-alarm-clock sprays acid in your face.
[Uses it on Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ouww! You already showed me before!
Female Golem: There's a latke bar downstairs.
Chief Wiggum: Latke? What the hell's a latke?
Female Golem: They're pan-fried...
Chief Wiggum: Case dismissed!
German Guy: [after getting swallowed by Blob-Homer] What did we Germans ever do to deserve this?
[gets an angry look from his friend]
German Guy: Oh, right.
Homer Simpson: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!
Marge Simpson: How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from!
Phil McGraw: Homer, your family's here. And you've gotta help me help them help you help me help you.
Homer Simpson: Must eat more fat people! Thank God I'm in America!
Homer Simpson: Must eat... then poop... then eat some more... then eat while pooping.
Montgomery Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the Crypt Keeper. Or should I say Master of Scary-Monies?
Bart Simpson: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
Homer Simpson: It's amazing; he tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.
Lisa Simpson: [the town just recovered from a "War of the Worlds" radio scare and Homer is too smart to fall for anything ever again] Dad, a flying saucer just blew up that statue.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, it's just a radio show!
Homer Simpson: So, it's a war of the worlds
[He looks out the window into the sky]
Homer Simpson: Good thing we have the sun on our side!
Female Golem: Eusch! What's with this outfit? It looks like a lion ate a parrot and then threw up. E-he-he-he-ha-ha.
Kang: I don't know. I'm starting to think 'Operation Enduring Occupation' was a bad idea.
Kodos: We had to invade. They were working on weapons of mass disintegration!
Kang: Sure they were!
Mayor Quimby: We have nothing to fear but the aliens and their vastly superior killing technology!
Orson Welles: The devastation is incredible! They're grinding up the bodies of human beings!
Sound Technician: [Uses a wisp to grind up cornflakes]
Orson Welles: Now they're riding horses in the rain!
Sound Technician: [Clacks coconut halves against a wooden board while pouring water into a tray]
Orson Welles: Now they're playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport.
Sound Technician: [Holds up sign reading "Screw you" and leaves]
Radio Broadcaster: Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.
Homer Simpson: Flanders?
Radio Broadcaster: Mars!
Radio Broadcaster: We interrupt this dance music from Lamourian Roman Capital City's Fabulous Hotel Hitler to bring you a special bulletin.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I'm not done dancing! This bulletin better swing!
Abe Simpson: I never thought it would come to this when I fought in the first World War.
Lenny: First World War? Why do you keep calling it that?
Abe Simpson: Oh, you'll see!
Golem: I feel so guilty! I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't! I'm not a good man.
Lisa Simpson: He sure is neurotic for a monster.
Lisa Simpson: Bart did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart Simpson: Oh, it's always the Jew's fault!
[three years after Kodos and Kang's alien armies have conqured the Earth, Kang arrives at Springfield's devestated city hall in an armed tri-pod]
Kodos: Colonel Kang, your report.
Kang: Well, the Earthlings continue to resent our presence.
[a large explosion nearby shakes the building]
Kang: You said that we'd be greeted as liberators!
Kodos: Don't worry. We still have the people's hearts and minds.
[Kodos holds up a human brain and heart]
Kent Brockman: It's blob rule in the streets of Springfield, and if that weren't bad enough, we're also being attack by a 50-foot Lenny.
Lenny: Homer gets more attention than me.
Carl: [unseen] I still like you.
Lenny: Thanks, invisible Carl.
Disco Stu: Big Band Stu says 23-skidoo.
Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't touch my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
Homer Simpson: Oh, nag, nag, nag.
Bart Simpson: Finally, someone who will do everything I say.
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.
Bart Simpson: Go away.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yes, Master.