Matt Albie: Was there something you came to see me about?
Danny Tripp: Yes.
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: We don't need to do it now, but at some point I'm going to need you to level with me about Harriet. I need to know how big of a problem it's going to be.
Matt Albie: It's not going to be a problem at all.
Danny Tripp: It will if you are still in love with her.
Matt Albie: I'm not. I'm not. Danny, I love her talent. The woman's got millions of fans but there are maybe fifty guys in town who know how good she is and we're two of them. I admire her. I'm knocked out by her talent. And I like it when she makes me laugh, and I like making her laugh, which isn't easy to do, so it's gratifying. She's undeniably sexy. I like it when she smiles at me, and a couple of other things, but that's it.
Danny Tripp: Oh my God, we are so screwed.
Matt Albie: I know.
Danny Tripp: It' gonna be a problem if you're in love with her.
Matt Albie: I'm not.
[sees Danny's disbelieving stare]
Matt Albie: I'm not!
Matt Albie: You know this thing is all over talk radio?
Danny Tripp: What did you expect?
Matt Albie: A caller from Taluca Lake called us Barbara Streisand loving, Michael Moore worshiping jackasses.
Danny Tripp: Well, what have I always told you about listening to show tunes?
Matt Albie: Don't do it.
Danny Tripp: Don't do it.
Jack Rudolph: The Rapture's what I think it is, right? The world comes to an end - believers go up in a spaceship?
Jordan McDeere: It's not a spaceship; it's Jesus Christ.
Matt Albie: What happens to the non-believers?
Jordan McDeere: You get thrown down into a fiery pit.
Matt Albie: Can we just do that now?
[Danny turns on the countdown clock]
Matt Albie: How did it know?
Danny Tripp: How did it know what?
Matt Albie: Exactly how much time was left in the week.
Danny Tripp: Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.
Matt Albie: But it was off.
Danny Tripp: It has a battery.
Matt Albie: [in horror] So it always knows?
Danny Tripp: Don't endow the thing with special powers Matt - it's a clock.
Tom Jeter: [on bloggers] I'm a fan of credentials. It's like we've all spent the last five years living in a Roger Corman film called "Revenge Of The Hack."
Jordan McDeere: [after being told that one of the NBS affiliates has received multiple calls from people offended by what they had heard would be on one of the show sketches] Have any of these people ever watched the show? And if they don't like it, can someone go over to their houses and teach them how to change a channel?
Matt Albie: Wait a second. The caller from Taluca Lake, was she calling us Hollywood liberals or was she calling us gay?
Danny Tripp: It's a pretty fine distinction.
Danny Tripp: Stick around, okay? And when we're done, I need to choke you to death.
Jordan McDeere: You bet.
Jordan McDeere: If the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out? We'll welcome them back in... at 120% of the cost of the original add buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.
Matt Albie: [at a writers' meeting] What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anything, but holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.
Ron Tahoe: It's a comedy, Matt.
Matt Albie: Not yet it's not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally!
Harriet Hayes: [storms into the room, shouting at Matt] You are an adolescent, oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt Albie: And all that will begin in just a few minutes.
Matt Albie: You broke up with me, Harry... and if you don't believe me, I have a copy of the e-mail. Yeah, she did it by e-mail, ladies and germs! I've got a copy of the e-mail on my hard-drive and another one in a safe deposit box at City National.
Harriet Hayes: That's funny, 'cause I keep all your things nicely stored on a garbage scow off Catalina.
Matt Albie: Right, so can I go date a woman who doesn't?
Harriet Hayes: Well, that population's gettin' pretty thin...
Matt Albie: Look...
Harriet Hayes: Bad enough I have to read about you with Mena Suvari...
Matt Albie: That was...
Harriet Hayes: ...Fiona Apple, Rachel McAdams, Marlo Thomas...
Matt Albie: You think I've been dating Marlo Thomas?
Harriet Hayes: Who the hell knows what you do, you addle-minded pervert!
Matt Albie: Marlo's married to Phil Donahue, who can still beat the crap out of me any time he wants.
Harriet Hayes: Thank God!
Matt Albie: Seriously, he's a huge Irish man!
Harriet Hayes: I'm too tired for this.
[Harriet begins to walk away, Matt follows her]
Matt Albie: I never dated any of those people.
Harriet Hayes: Page Six said you did.
Matt Albie: Oh well then, you've got me, because if Page Six said it, then it must be true. Did you get hard confirmation from The Drudge Report?
[Matt looks at the episode schedule which only has the White Stripes' performances on it]
Matt Albie: Can the White Stripes play for an hour and a half?
Danny Tripp: Jack White's got acute tonsillitis. They can't play at all. Jane's working on it.
Matt Albie: Okay.
[Matt takes down the cards with the White Stripes' performances, then looks at the completely empty schedule]
Matt Albie: Yeah, that's better.
Matt Albie: Guys, you've got it all wrong. I don't want to get too personal, but the first time Jack and I made love, it was incredible.
Danny Tripp: I've been watching you all this week, and, I gotta tell you, I love what I see. Matt?
Matt Albie: The audience was standing out in the heat for a pretty long time. People don't laugh as much when they're hot cause they're sticky and uncomfortable.
Danny Tripp: Alright! Good pep talk!