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Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

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Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

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Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

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Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

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Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'

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Demetri Martin: I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

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Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

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Demetri Martin: I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.

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Demetri Martin: I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

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Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.'

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Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.'

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Demetri Martin: I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

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Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

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Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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Demetri Martin: A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

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Demetri Martin: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees... ' 'Trust me.'

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Demetri Martin: About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'

[Ladies, that's not true]

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Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

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Demetri Martin: One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

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Demetri Martin: I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

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Demetri Martin: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

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Demetri Martin: I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

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Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

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Demetri Martin: If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

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Demetri Martin: If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

[cue card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward']

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Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

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Demetri Martin: I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

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Demetri Martin: I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves.

[turns page on drawing pad to reveal the phrase "I OWN LEATHER SLEEVES."]

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Demetri Martin: I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!

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