Receptionist: Mr. Guster? I know you said you didn't want to be interrupted, but there's a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crunch?
[Shawn enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform]
Shawn Spencer: Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.
Shawn Spencer: What the hell is a "Mascomb"?
Gus: It was a very common name of the era.
[Shawn stares at Gus]
Gus: History Channel.
Shawn Spencer: ESPN, Gus. Channel 206. I'm begging you.
Henry Spencer: The truth, Shawn. You're not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription "Don't Lose", and what is the first thing that you do?
Shawn Spencer: I lose the watch.
Henry Spencer: You lose the watch.
Shawn Spencer: Well, here's a newsflash, Dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay? It was four months ago.
Henry Spencer: Yeah, well, here's a newsflash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started ticking.
Carlton Lassiter: And don't think I didn't see you trying to throw M&M's into the injured soldiers' mouths.
Shawn Spencer: First off, those were Skittles and they have a rainbow of flavors.
Carlton Lassiter: This case is personal. One of my soldiers was killed on my watch and I, not you, am going to clean it up. We clear?
Shawn Spencer: I wouldn't have gone with something as traditional as "We clear?" You could have gone foreign: "Comprende?" "Capisce?" Could have had a little fun with it: "You dig my gist, Sweetpants?" These are just suggestions.
Shawn Spencer: Either that man is a phenomenal actor... or he's dead!
Shawn Spencer: Oh, ye immoral man of low fiber! You should really eat more bran.
Carlton Lassiter: If I'm wrong, I'll hold a press conference where you are both cordially invited to say, "I told you so."
Shawn Spencer: Okay.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sounds fair.
Shawn Spencer: Can I wear your face wig?
Carlton Lassiter: [to Shawn] Great. You found a pencil. Now we can all take the SAT's.
[upon seeing Lassiter in costume]
Gus: Is that Lassiter? What died on his face?
Shawn Spencer: George, I heard you got married, but... wow, huh?
George Cheslow: Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What's wrong with this picture?" But, you know, where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Shawn Spencer: [hesitates] Everywhere, man.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [looks at battlefield reconstruction on the air hockey table] What is this?
Shawn Spencer: The battlefield.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Based on what?
Shawn Spencer: The briefing board at the police station.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You did this from memory?
Shawn Spencer: Yes.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You said you saw it for two minutes.
Shawn Spencer: Right. Two whole minutes.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You got problems.
Shawn Spencer: I'm thinking of insuring my legs, sort of like Mary Hart. What do you think, three, five million a haunch? Keep in mind my calves are like carved marble.
Carlton Lassiter: For your edification, the reenactment of the ba...
Shawn Spencer: Edification?
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, edification.
Shawn Spencer: Is that legal? Like, in public? Public edification's legal?
Carlton Lassiter: It means "for your information."
Shawn Spencer: Well, why didn't you just say that?
Shawn Spencer: Now, I ask you. Who goes out onto the battlefield without their boots?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Maybe someone has bunions.
Shawn Spencer: Bunions, Gus? Really, that's what you bring to the table? I'm trying to solve a murder here.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I deal with bunions at work every day, Shawn. They hurt people!
Juliet O'Hara: What the hell are you guys doing?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sally was the target. Shawn's going to put on that dress and wait for someone to shoot him.
Shawn Spencer: Right, but... the plan sounds a lot better when you DON'T say it like that.
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus in his over done Civil War costume] Dude, you look awesome!
Karen Vick: Shawn, unless you can give us a name, I'm afraid he's right this time.
Shawn Spencer: Fine, I'll get you a name.
Shawn Spencer: And I'm going to get you a woman.
Carlton Lassiter: *Afraid* he's right? *This* time?
Sally Reynolds: [to Gus about his Civil War costume] I think you look dashing. Personally I always liked the marching band.
Karen Vick: [after Shawn reveals details about Poe's wound] How do you know that?
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, you wanna take this one?
Carlton Lassiter: [annoyed] He had an "episode" in the hall.
Griffin Mahoney: [holding a gun on Shawn and Gus] Hello, boys. Back off, this is loaded.
[they back out of the vault and in front of a group of the reinactors who all cock their rifles]
Shawn Spencer: Yes, but mine are so much bigger.
[a jeweller is suggesting inscriptions for Shawn's pocketwatch]
Henry Spencer: "Love, Dad"? Yeah, well, why don't you just write, "Kissy, kissy"?
Henry Spencer: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Who?
Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.
Henry Spencer: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn?
Young Shawn: You push. They push back.
Henry Spencer: Correct. Why?
Young Shawn: Because man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use his brain.
Henry Spencer: And what idiot said that?