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(TV Series)

(2006)

Quotes

Shawn Spencer: What the hell is a "Mascomb"?

Gus: It was a very common name of the era.

[Shawn stares at Gus]

Gus: History Channel.

Shawn Spencer: ESPN, Gus. Channel 206. I'm begging you.

Carlton Lassiter: And don't think I didn't see you trying to throw M&M's into the injured soldiers' mouths.

Shawn Spencer: First off, those were Skittles and they have a rainbow of flavors.

Carlton Lassiter: This case is personal. One of my soldiers was killed on my watch and I, not you, am going to clean it up. We clear?

Shawn Spencer: I wouldn't have gone with something as traditional as "We clear?" You could have gone foreign: "Comprende?" "Capisce?" Could have had a little fun with it: "You dig my gist, Sweetpants?" These are just suggestions.

Shawn Spencer: Either that man is a phenomenal actor... or he's dead!

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Receptionist: Mr. Guster? I know you said you didn't want to be interrupted, but there's a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crunch?

[Shawn enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform]

Shawn Spencer: Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

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Shawn Spencer: Oh, ye immoral man of low fiber! You should really eat more bran.

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Carlton Lassiter: If I'm wrong, I'll hold a press conference where you are both cordially invited to say, "I told you so."

Shawn Spencer: Okay.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sounds fair.

Shawn Spencer: Can I wear your face wig?

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Carlton Lassiter: [to Shawn] Great. You found a pencil. Now we can all take the SAT's.

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[upon seeing Lassiter in costume]

Gus: Is that Lassiter? What died on his face?

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Shawn Spencer: George, I heard you got married, but... wow, huh?

George Cheslow: Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What's wrong with this picture?" But, you know, where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?

Shawn Spencer: [hesitates] Everywhere, man.

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Burton 'Gus' Guster: [looks at battlefield reconstruction on the air hockey table] What is this?

Shawn Spencer: The battlefield.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Based on what?

Shawn Spencer: The briefing board at the police station.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: You did this from memory?

Shawn Spencer: Yes.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: You said you saw it for two minutes.

Shawn Spencer: Right. Two whole minutes.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: You got problems.

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Henry Spencer: The truth, Shawn. You're not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription "Don't Lose", and what is the first thing that you do?

Shawn Spencer: I lose the watch.

Henry Spencer: You lose the watch.

Shawn Spencer: Well, here's a newsflash, Dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay? It was four months ago.

Henry Spencer: Yeah, well, here's a newsflash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started ticking.

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Shawn Spencer: I'm thinking of insuring my legs, sort of like Mary Hart. What do you think, three, five million a haunch? Keep in mind my calves are like carved marble.

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Carlton Lassiter: For your edification, the reenactment of the ba...

Shawn Spencer: Edification?

Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, edification.

Shawn Spencer: Is that legal? Like, in public? Public edification's legal?

Carlton Lassiter: It means "for your information."

Shawn Spencer: Well, why didn't you just say that?

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Shawn Spencer: Now, I ask you. Who goes out onto the battlefield without their boots?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Maybe someone has bunions.

Shawn Spencer: Bunions, Gus? Really, that's what you bring to the table? I'm trying to solve a murder here.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: I deal with bunions at work every day, Shawn. They hurt people!

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Juliet O'Hara: What the hell are you guys doing?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sally was the target. Shawn's going to put on that dress and wait for someone to shoot him.

Shawn Spencer: Right, but... the plan sounds a lot better when you DON'T say it like that.

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Shawn Spencer: [to Gus in his over done Civil War costume] Dude, you look awesome!

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Karen Vick: Shawn, unless you can give us a name, I'm afraid he's right this time.

Shawn Spencer: Fine, I'll get you a name.

[to Lassiter]

Shawn Spencer: And I'm going to get you a woman.

[leaves]

Carlton Lassiter: *Afraid* he's right? *This* time?

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Sally Reynolds: [to Gus about his Civil War costume] I think you look dashing. Personally I always liked the marching band.

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Karen Vick: [after Shawn reveals details about Poe's wound] How do you know that?

Shawn Spencer: Lassie, you wanna take this one?

Carlton Lassiter: [annoyed] He had an "episode" in the hall.

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Griffin Mahoney: [holding a gun on Shawn and Gus] Hello, boys. Back off, this is loaded.

[they back out of the vault and in front of a group of the reinactors who all cock their rifles]

Shawn Spencer: Yes, but mine are so much bigger.

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[a jeweller is suggesting inscriptions for Shawn's pocketwatch]

Henry Spencer: "Love, Dad"? Yeah, well, why don't you just write, "Kissy, kissy"?

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Henry Spencer: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Who?

Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.

Henry Spencer: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn?

Young Shawn: You push. They push back.

Henry Spencer: Correct. Why?

Young Shawn: Because man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use his brain.

Henry Spencer: And what idiot said that?

Young GusYoung Shawn: You did.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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