[in Malone's messed-up hotel room]
Shawn Spencer: This place is trashed.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [giggling] Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.
Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He used to trash hotel rooms.
Shawn Spencer: *Used* to. The guy has kids now, he lives in France.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You got a better version?
Shawn Spencer: Of course I do. How about that lame-o who's dating Kate Moss?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He's British, and nobody knows who he is.
Shawn Spencer: Okay, fine, too inside. Stephen Dorff - always solid.
Juliet O'Hara: I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answer to.
Shawn Spencer: Ooh, then never ask your boyfriend if he thinks your sister's hot.
Juliet O'Hara: I don't have a sister.
Shawn Spencer: How about a boyfriend?
Shawn Spencer: Dude... some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [evasive] I don't know that guy.
Shawn Spencer: He looked right at you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He was mistaken.
Shawn Spencer: He said, "Hi, Gus." And then, another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.
Juliet O'Hara: His name is Malone Breyfogle.
Shawn Spencer: Malone Breyfogle? I'll tell you this much: kid's been lifted up by his underwear more than once.
Karen Vick: My water just broke.
Carlton Lassiter: Are you sure?
Karen Vick: No, Carlton, there's water spilling out of me for some other reason.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, no... Oh, can you move my briefcase?
Shawn Spencer: Oh, yes. Yes, I'm definitely feeling something here. Oh, it's good. It's nice!
Leslie Breyfogle: What? What is it?
Shawn Spencer: This mattress. It feels like one of those mattresses where you can bounce a bowling ball but the glass of wine doesn't spill. Gus, go find a glass of wine and a bowling ball.
Juliet O'Hara: You're not hired. I can't pay you. If it turns out there's something to it, I'll make sure you get put on the case. That's all I can do.
Shawn Spencer: Juliet, I'm quite sure we could work out some kind of services exchange. You see I like to do some sketching myself and sometimes I need a model.
Juliet O'Hara: Huh!
[gets up and walks from the room]
Shawn Spencer: Was that inappropriate?... Felt ok.
Juliet O'Hara: Any progress?
Shawn Spencer: I picked up Malone's astral trail - that's what it's called. It leads to a hotel across from the convention center. Room 428, oak door, can't miss it.
Juliet O'Hara: That's more specific than usual.
Shawn Spencer: Sometimes the spirits are in a giving mood. Now you won't find Malone, but I sense some seriously dark juju-mo-gumbo went down in there.
Carlton Lassiter: You know, in case I never said it, I was really pleased when you were named as chief. "Interim" chief - I'm sure that's only temporary.
Karen Vick: Mmm-hmm.
Carlton Lassiter: And it's true, the outgoing chief was important to me. He was my mentor, he made me the cop I am today.
Karen Vick: Mmm-hmm.
Carlton Lassiter: I know the outside perception is that the force was a real "boy's club" under him, so it was really smart when they named a - you know - woman.
Karen Vick: All right, honey.
Carlton Lassiter: Excuse me, what?
Karen Vick: I love you.
Carlton Lassiter: [startled] Huh?
[Karen turns, revealing the wireless phone in her ear]
Karen Vick: Okay. No, I'll just see you when we get back, okay?
Karen Vick: I'm sorry, detective, were you saying something?
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] Where is he, Chocolate Columbo?
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] Can't you just look at porn on the net like every other guy and his brother?
Carlton Lassiter: [about the Chief's decision to go through natural childbirth] Listen, I would put myself on a morphine pump if I were going to push 11 pounds of limbs and elbows out of my...
Juliet O'Hara: [handing Shawn her notes] Take a look at that. Tell me what you think.
Shawn Spencer: Flower doodle in the upper-right hand corner is excellent. This horse at the bottom doesn't look anything like My Little Pony.
Juliet O'Hara: The writing not the... That's a dog. I draw when I get anxious.
Shawn Spencer: I think you made a wise decision not going into animation.
Juliet O'Hara: You cannot be in the Chief's office!
Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on, she's not gonna know. You notice how no one ever looks in here? Why is that? What are you guys so afraid of? It's like the belly bias. She's actually a pretty kick-back lady when you give her a chance. I mean, look what she's done with this place - it's really warm in here. I know I can't stay away. And have you tried this chair?
Juliet O'Hara: Okay, you have five seconds to get your butt out of...
[Juliet stops, looks down at her case notes]
Juliet O'Hara: Actually, you know what? Stay right there.
Shawn Spencer: Ooh, indecisive. I like it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Walks into a ransacked hotel room] Looks like Johnny Depp stopped by. He he he he he.
Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry. Did that joke just come in a time machine from 1992?