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"Weeds" Last Tango in Agrestic (TV Episode 2006) Poster

(TV Series)

(2006)

Quotes

[Andy is speaking to Shane about masturbation... ]

Andy Botwin: All right, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. HAHAHAHAHA!

[Shane stares blankly]

Andy Botwin: Your little body's changing, and it's all good, believe me. Problem now is every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted, sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So, first order of business: no more socks. They're expensive... gumming up the works, plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, 'But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?' Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning. That eliminates the need for a goo glove. But the day is long, masturbation's fun... so unless we wanna take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues: perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' Band-Aid. Ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flak-catchers. Specifically bananas. Step one, peel the banana. Step two, slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave - not TOO hot... serious yowza. Also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance... invest in some soon. All right, moving on... when you tug your Thomas on the toilet,

[spitting sound]

Andy Botwin: shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the Raised Sceptre of Love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function... also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right, class dismissed.

[Shane starts to leave]

Andy Botwin: Hey...

[Shane stops, and Andy tosses him a banana]

Andy Botwin: Homework.

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[Nancy is having a drink in a restaurant with Peter the DEA agent after he has revealed to her that he knows she is a marijuana dealer, but he's OK with it]

Nancy Botwin: What if this is just all an act you put on to nail dealers...

Peter Scottson: ...Take them to dinner and profess my love? That's how I took down the Santiago brothers.

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[while attempting to join in with her daughter at boot camp, Celia loses her balance and falls. All the other participants gather around her... ]

Celia Hodes: [to Isabelle] He bullied me into this...

Ricardo: No Ricardo's fault...

Celia Hodes: [protesting] I went through Chemo...

Older Woman #1: Hah, I went through Chemo...

Older Woman #2: Oh, me too...

Celia Hodes: Yeah? Well I had radiation.

Older Woman #1: I had radiation.

Older Woman #2: So did I.

Celia Hodes: ...Plus I'm low blood sugar...

Older Woman #1: ...Type I Diabetes...

Older Woman #2: ...Type 2 for me...

Celia Hodes: [frustrated] Oh, fuck you both...

Older Woman #1: [gently pats Isabelle on her shoulder] Sweetheart, don't worry... your Mom's gonna' be just fine.

Isabelle Hodes: [looks at her] Please! That bitch'll out-live us all.

Celia Hodes: I heard that...

Isabelle Hodes: Good!

[turns to the others and claps her hands twice]

Isabelle Hodes: Alright, pip, pip! We're here to exercise, not here to stand around. Come on!

[runs back to the group, leaving her mother still lying on the ground]

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Nancy Botwin: Talk to Shane about jerking off.

Andy Botwin: I'm all over it!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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