Kenny (2006)

Shane Jacobson: Kenny Smyth

Quotes 

• Kenny : There's a smell in here that will outlast religion

• Kenny : Mad as a Clown's cock

• Kenny : [calculating over phone how many toilets will be required at a public event]  Have you got any Indonesian foods or curries? You have? All right. Well, normally, if it was a non-drinking event as far as alcohol, and there was no food or curries, for 4000 people for ten hours you'd have five male and five female blocks. But you've got alcohol being served as well as the food, and you've got curries in there as well, which does make a bit of a difference. And on the solid to water-based or liquid waste ratio you've got a 4:1 which is basically four liquid to one solid.

  [pause] 

  Kenny : That's the "piss and shit" ratio, yeah.

• Kenny : From the back she looked like a fridge with a head.

• Kenny : There's the urinal, and being a male, you have a prong on you that points forward, so I don't understand how they get it on their feet. They must point it down.

• Kenny : There's another classic example of someone having a two inch arsehole and us having installed only one inch piping.

• [talking to fellow passenger about the in-flight toilet] 

  Kenny : Just watch it in there mate. That machine, once you press that flusher, that thing will probably suck your guts out through your bum.

• Kenny : I'd love to be able to say "I plumb toilets" and have someone say "Now that is something I've always wanted to do".

• Kenny : It takes a certain kind of person to do what I do. No-one's ever impressed; no-one's ever fascinated. If you're a fireman, all the kids will want to jump on the back of the truck and follow you to a fire. There's going to be no kids willing to do that with me. So, I don't do it to impress people - it's a job, it's my trade, and I actually think I'm pretty good at it.

• Kenny : I don't know what all the fuss is about, it's 80% water and we've got chemicals to take care of the remaining 20.

• Kenny : Busier than a one-armed bricklayer in Baghdad.

• Kenny : Australians all let us ring Joyce...

• Kenny : [advice on getting married]  Cut out the middle man; find someone you hate and buy them a house.

• Kenny : Death in the family has different effects on different people. For some families, it brings them closer together. But for other families, like our circus, it's Christmas cards at twenty paces.

• Kenny : This is the busiest time of year, this is a crazy time, it just goes bonkers. It's as silly as a bum full of smarties.

• Kenny : It's what you come to expect. They think I'm the poo monster.

• Kenny : Funny part is parents look at me and say 'that's not much of a job, is it?'. And I say 'well you had kids'. 'You spent the first two years handling their shit, and you weren't getting paid for that'. They shit green, the only things that should be green are pears, apples and Martians.

• Kenny : Pretty crazy old night, that one. I mean, that's really put me to the end of my test tonight, I tell ya what, that's... that's almost my limit, I reckon. I mean, no man should be set on fire trying to save one of his shitters, you know. It's, er... ridiculous.

• Sammy : [talking to Kenny while he is cleaning out a septic tank]  ....always going on about his bloody marriage. Is this gonna go right, or is that gonna go bloody right? Is he gonna marry her or not?

  Kenny : [through his mask, in the septic tank]  I should say so, they've got a wedding.

  Sammy : He's either gonna marry or, or not marry her. If he ain't gonna marry her, I'll give her one.

  Kenny : Look, mate,

  [takes his mask off, comes up from the tank] 

  Kenny : I... I understand what you're saying, I really do. And I am hearing you, but, mate, what you got to understand is there is a smell in here that is going to outlast religion, all right? So can you just... give my ears a rest for a minute? Just give it a break for a sec, and we'll talk about it later, all right? I appreciate it mate.

  [puts mask back on] 

  Sammy : Well, now you know how I feel.