Dennis: Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.
Crack Dealer: Whatchu need?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, one please.
Crack Dealer: One what?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, one... rock of crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
Dee Reynolds: Um, how much would you recommend for a first time user?
Crack Dealer: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Two for the price of one.
Dee Reynolds: Really? Oh, that's very nice of you.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, that sounds good. How much?
Crack Dealer: 200 dollars?
Dennis Reynolds: Sounds reasonable, great. Okay.
[slides money through window]
Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank Reynolds: Because you are crackheads, children.
Mac: [after Charlie closes the window on Dennis and Dee] Driver, we're through here.
[Everyone starts laughing]
Mac: [looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah those are good thighs, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
Mac: That's what I'm talking about dude, you can't be saying things like that.
Charlie Kelly: No dude, I'm not saying that 'cause he's black, I'm saying 'cause he's asleep in his chair.
Frank Reynolds: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie Kelly: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie Kelly: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie Kelly: Plight...
Charlie Kelly: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank Reynolds: I'm good, go get us some slaves.
Mac: You guys have nothing outside this bar.
Dennis Reynolds: Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.
[cut to title "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare"]
Sweet Dee: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
Sweet Dee: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
Sweet Dee: Maybe we should think about rehab.
Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
Sweet Dee: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
Mac: Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?
Dennis Reynolds: Well then we'll just go on welfare.
Mac: Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...
Dennis Reynolds: [turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!
Charlie Kelly: All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.
Mac: Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.
Dennis Reynolds: [going to buy crack to get on welfare] Okay, we'll smoke a little bit. Just enough to get it into our system.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, and then we'll go to the doctor and we'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and then we'll just collect for just a little while, until we get settled. And then, uh, I'll take the MCATs.
Dee Reynolds: And I'll move to New York. Perfect.
[notices crack dealer outside car]
Dee Reynolds: Ahh!
Dennis Reynolds: Ohh! My God! Whew.
Dee Reynolds: Jesus!
Dennis Reynolds: Wow, you scared us. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no, we're not racist.
Dee Reynolds: No, no, God no.
Dennis Reynolds: No, it's just that the neighborhood is scary...
Dee Reynolds: If you were another ethnicity you'd pop, you'd really pop up.
Dennis Reynolds: But it's a nice neighborhood, I mean, it's okay... It's the nature of this...
Crack Dealer: Roll your window down.
Charlie Kelly: Alright. So what's the vig?
Frank Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
Frank Reynolds: Do you even know what VIG means?