Bill Maher: The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man to destructive courses, the world could actually come to an end. The plain fact is, religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having in key decisions made by religious people. By irrationalists, by those who would steer the ship of state not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken. George Bush prayed a lot about Iraq, but he didn't learn a lot about it. Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it's wonderful when someone says, "I'm willing, Lord! I'll do whatever you want me to do!" Except that since there are no gods actually talking to us, that void is filled in by people with their own corruptions and limitations and agendas. And anyone who tells you they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you don't. How can I be so sure? Because I don't know, and you do not possess mental powers that I do not. The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble, and that's what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong. This is why rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price. If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler, a mafia wife, for the true devils of extremism that draw their legitimacy from the billions of their fellow travelers. If the world does come to an end here, or wherever, or if it limps into the future, decimated by the effects of religion-inspired nuclear terrorism, let's remember what the real problem was that we learned how to precipitate mass death before we got past the neurological disorder of wishing for it. That's it. Grow up or die.
Bill Maher: If Santa Claus can hit every house in the world in one night...
Steve Burg: No, I don't believe in Santa Claus.
Bill Maher: Of course not. That's ridiculous. That's one man flying all around the world and dropping presents down a chimney. That's ridiculous. One man hearing everybody murmur to him at the same time... that I get.
Bill Maher: And I see you've got a lot of bling.
Jeremiah Cummings: I like gold. The people want you to look well.
Bill Maher: That's what pimps say about their women.
Bill Maher: But the Jesus story wasn't original.
Man at The Holy Land Experience: How so?
Bill Maher: [an explanation appears in subtitles as The Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian" plays] "Written in 1280 BC, The Book of the Dead describes a God, Horus... Horus is the son of the god Osiris... born to a virgin mother. He was baptized in a river by Anup the Baptizer... who was later beheaded. Like Jesus, Horus was tempted while alone in the desert... Healed the sick... The blind... Cast out demons... And walked on water... He raised Asar from the dead. 'Asar' translates to 'Lazarus'. Oh yeah, he also had 12 disciples. Yes, Horus was crucified first... And after 3 days, two women announced... Horus, the savior of humanity... had been resurrected.
Steve Burg: I'm thinking of Jonah, God sent Jonah on a mission.
Bill Maher: When did the part of the story come when Jonah lived in the whale?
Steve Burg: It was a great fish.
Bill Maher: It's one of my favorite nonsense stories, Jonah living inside of the whale. And their answer unfailingly is "The Bible doesn't say whale, It says big fish". Oh, yeah, big fish, that makes... I'm sorry I was obsessing on that it was a whale, It's a big fish. Of course you could live for three days in a big fish, A tuna, a tuna, They do it all the time in Japan, They have tuna spas. You go for three days, They pamper you, oils, You come out of that tuna feeling fantastic. You smell like pussy, but you feel fantastic.
Bill Maher: This man lived inside of a fish for three days?
Steve Burg: Miraculously, yes.
Bill Maher: Steve, Steve, Steve.
Steve Burg: You don't believe in miracles, That doesn't mean they don't exist.
Bill Maher: Of course not! I'm not 10! He didn't lived in a fish, Come on.
Steve Burg: Your bar on miracles is pretty low, I gotta tell you, bro.
Bill Maher: Well, whatever.
Bill Maher: It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."
Bill Maher: [in a deleted scene on the DVD] Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.
Bill Maher: There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
Bill Maher: [Megiddo, Israel] It seems peaceful, but this is where a lot of people believe the world will end. The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man to destructive courses, the world actually could come to an end.
Bill Maher: If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?
Bill Maher: The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
Bill Maher: I know what you're thinking. I'm standing in front of a green screen at a studio in Burbank, California, and they digitized the Vatican in behind me. No, no, that's really the Vatican. I ought to know. I just got thrown out of it. See, I wanted to interview the Pope, but I was willing to settle for a cardinal or a monsignor, or the flying nun - really anybody, but apparently I've been on the Catholic shit list for quite a while. But that's their loss, 'cause now I'm gonna say what I *really* think, which is mainly:
[referring to the Vatican]
Bill Maher: does that look like anything Jesus Christ had in mind?
[to Father Reginald Foster, a Senior Vatican Priest]
Bill Maher: When you look at a building like that, a giant palace, does it seem at odds with the message of the founder?
Reginald Foster: Well, certainly.
Bill Maher: [giggles] Well, thank you.
Reginald Foster: I mean, that's obvious.
Bill Maher: It really is obvious, isn't it? But does it bother you?
Reginald Foster: [stammering] Well, I mean - well, yes it does. I wouldn't - if I were the boss, I wouldn't be living there.
Bill Maher: See, this is my problem, I'm trying - I mean, you're - you're a Senator. You are one of the very few people who are really running this country. It worries me that people are running my country who think - who believe in a talking snake. Um...
Mark Pryor: [Arkansas' Democratic Senator] You don't have to pass an IQ test to be in the Senate, though.
Bill Maher: [Bill is silent and unimpressed. The Senator's face falls]
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: The direction of prayer, everytime you start your prayer you have to know how to exactly face the Kabaa in Mecca.
Bill Maher: A rock? The Kabaa?
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: No, no, no.
Bill Maher: Isn't that...
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: No, no, no. A black stone.
Bill Maher: Stone, rock I think they're the same.
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: We don't know the history of this stone.
Bill Maher: Why is this Holy?
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: Muslims believe this stone came from Paradise.
Bill Maher: Could the stone itself have been what we now know to be a Meteor?
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: It's black, and in the area there are no black stones.
Bill Maher: But does it make a difference that we now understand what a Meteor is?
Dr. Muhhamed Hourani: This is the Stone of God!
Bill Maher: Yes, right.
Bill Maher: Circumcision, I mean, I would've loved to have been there for the first time people would hear about this, you know? We're used to it now, you know. I'm sure when Moses came down with this idea there was one person going "Now, let me get this straight..."
Bill Maher: Gay Muslim activists. That is a very rare job description. You guys have big ones.
Bill Maher: Rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price.
[after the closing credits]
Bill Maher: See you in heaven?
Julie Maher: [shrugs] Who knows?
Bill Maher: [laughs] Exactly.
Bill Maher: [in a deleted scene on the DVD] No, it is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other people let him. It's just too easy to start a religion. All you have to do is: A. think up some really powerful stupid shit. Some stuff that is so idiotic and weird that a person who believes it will be proving that ultimate virtue of faith; B. throw in some entitlements like life after death, washing away sins and free dental or whatever; and, C. wait. Just wait. Just say your bullshit and stick to it. Believe me, if you do that, if you just say it, they will come.
Jeremiah Cummings: [a Christian reverend] Okay, but now, but now, things like houses and cars and clothes and money, they come as a result of my seeking God first.
Bill Maher: I don't remember that in the New Testament specifically.
[a subtitle appears - "Because it's not there."]
Jeremiah Cummings: But it's there.
[Subtitle - "No it's not."]
Jeremiah Cummings: I remember it.
Bill Maher: A passage about...
Jeremiah Cummings: I remember it.
[Subtitle - "I'm sure you do."]
Bill Maher: The houses, the cars and the clothes, they'll come.
Bill Maher: You know, Scientologists...
[sound of audience laughing]
Bill Maher: And right, you're like, "Oh, yeah, that's some crazy shit. Okay." Jesus with the virgin birth and the dove and the snake who talked in the garden, that's cool. But the Scientologists, they're the crazy ones.
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: You know, if I discover that I was Satan in person, I would do a good job, too.
Bill Maher: As Satan?
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: Because I would be faithful to my calling.
Bill Maher: It's how you do your work, isn't it? You know, at the end of the day, whether you're the messiah or you're Satan, it's loving what you do and giving it a hundred percent.
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: I give hundred percent.
Bill Maher: That's religion. You pray. You bow. You kneel. You fast. You trim the balls of a giant space penis.
Bill Maher: There's been more killing in the name of "my God."
Mark Pryor: [Arkansas' Democratic Senator] So you think we indigously
[made up word]
Mark Pryor: or just by our DNA, we just somehow know that killing another person is wrong? I'm not sure that is the case.
Bill Maher: Really? We need God to decide not to kill each other?
Mark Pryor: Well, you can look back at more primitive cultures and they were constantly at war.
[subtitled "Modern Culture," war footage is shown]
Mark Pryor: [subtitled "Modern Culture," war footage of bombings and mass destruction is shown]
Bill Maher: Who are you?
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: I am Jesus Christ man. The second coming. The Old Testament talk about me clearly. And the New Testament also.
Bill Maher: Now, the angels went to the house of the one Godly man in town - Lot. And the townspeople tried to rape them. Now, Lot, not wanting his town to get the reputation as the kind of place that would rape angels, offered up to the mob his own daughters to rape. And he was the good guy in town. Which brings me to this question: If I ever had to swear an oath, why would I want to put my hand on the King James Bible? I think I could find more morality in the Rick James Bible.
Bill Maher: And you know what else was very confusing to me I remember vividly was Santa Claus and Jesus.
Julie Maher: You were so mad at us.
Bill Maher: So mad at you, why? Oh, when...
Julie Maher: When you realized there was no Santa Claus.
Bill Maher: And then when I found out there was no Jesus... boy, was I pissed.
Bill Maher: The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble, and that's what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong.
Ken Ham: This is a God, he's an infinite God, he's not always working in ways we understand.
Bill Maher: Don't you think that's a cop-out?
Ken Ham: He is God. Are you God?
Bill Maher: No.
Bill Maher: [DVD Extra] In the late 1940s right around the time the State of Israel was being born Jews here in the Judah Desert made a startling discovery. The Arabs were really mad at them. But there was something else. Here in the Qumran Caves they found what the world has come to know as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Written by an ancient Jewish sect called the Essenes the Dead Sea Scrolls contained fragments from almost every book in the old testament plus prophesies by Jeremiah, Ezekial and Daniel that are not in the Bible and Psalms attributed to King David and Joshua that are not in the Bible. We keep finding Bible Outtakes in the way we find new records by Elvis, John Lennon and Tupac and I know my Christian and Jewish religious friends get their hair screwed in a bunch whenever you call the Bible a Fairy Tale and they have a point because it's actually an anthology of fairy tales a kind of Reader's Digest collection of books written in many languages over thousands of years and then assembled and translated into American just as God planned. The question is: who decided what got into the Bible and what got edited out and only made it into the outtakes and the directors cut and the DVD extras? I'll tell you who. Man. And when I say man I mean specifically people with penises because there's no religion I ever heard of that would let a woman make an important decision like that. The Dead Sea Scrolls are a very alive reminder that religious books are very often as holy and sacred as Harry Potter and by the way if you buried Harry Potter here and dug it up a thousand years later who knows? The Bible was written by men and edited by men and based on some of the nonsense in it, edited pretty badly. It's no wonder that the Dead Sea Scrolls even though they were found over fifty years ago most of them still haven't been published which is a real drag because Yahweh has already burned through his advance.
Bill Maher: [in a deleted scene on the DVD] How spiritually advanced is Uranus?
Benjamin Creme: Very. Very. Very.
Bill Maher: [in a deleted scene on the DVD] And then we get here and five minutes after we arrive, the skies open up. It's completely nice and there was a rainbow above the thing we were shooting. So, I don't know, if God didn't want us to shoot, he sure fucked up today.
Bill Maher: The standard doctrine that I was taught as a kid...
Reginald Foster: Yeah, that's all gone. That's all finished.
Bill Maher: Do you think it's possible that when we're on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we're having a really spiritual experience that we're just high?
Bill Maher: [to journalist Ray Suarez] How did this country become a Christian nation? I've read a lot of quotes from all the founding fathers. There are a lot of quotes that explicitly say we are not a Christian nation.
[several quotes are shown]
Bill Maher: More people
Bill Maher: doubted evolution, than any other country on that list
[of industrialized nations]
Bill Maher: except I think it was Turkey.
Bill Maher: But it's not really a wise list of the ten. The first four are about just worshiping God, and, basically, a jealous god. And he doesn't want you to have any other gods. The only two that are really laws are: don't steal and don't kill. Why is this the wisest group of ten that doesn't include child abuse; it doesn't include don't torture; it doesn't include a lot of things, rape, that, I think, if I were making a list today, we would probably include.
Mark Pryor: [Arkansas' Democratic Senator] Society is so different today. Our society is so radically different...
Bill Maher: And that's what I'm asking. We're in a different culture. Can you think of anything else that we still cleave to from the Bronze Age?
Mark Pryor: Well...
Bill Maher: Do you believe in evolution?
Mark Pryor: I don't know. The scientific community is a little divided on the specifics of that. And I understand...
Bill Maher: I don't think they are.
Mark Pryor: No... no... well...
Bill Maher: I think they pretty much agree.
Mark Pryor: [grins] I don't know what happened...
Bill Maher: [a tenet of Mormonism] Dark skin is a curse from God,
[photos of Michael Jackson's transformation pop up at the bottom of the screen]
Bill Maher: but if you're sufficiently righteous, a dark-skin person can become light-skin.
Tal Bachman: [an ex-Mormon] In the founding scriptures, you open the doctrine covenant, you read the autobiography of Joseph Smith. He quotes Jesus Christ as telling him that every other creed on Earth is, quote, an abomination. That's not a very ecumenical statement.
Bill Maher: The idea that Christianity is American, I think, is an amazing entitlement to a people who are always trying to meld God and country.
Bill Gardiner: The Garden of Eden was in Missouri, according to Mormonism. The new Jerusalem will be there.
Bill Maher: Branson, I hope.
Bill Maher: The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
Bill Maher: Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. lt's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith and enable and elevate it are our intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.
Holy Land Experience PR Lady: No-one told me he was here. And I would need to know that because of what he is and the kind of films he makes.
Bill Maher: Sometimes you kneel, sometimes you pray and sometimes you go up on the hill and cut the grass around the big Space Penis.
Bill Maher: [Points at the Vatican] Does that look like anything Jesus had in mind?
Trucker Chapel Congregant: Well, then you're saying the Bible is Fishtishious...
Bill Maher: I am.
Bill Maher: So you used to be gay, then you married someone who used to be a lesbian and had three children, and I guess the jury's out on them?
Bill Maher: [Extra] What about Rosemary's Baby? The woman is carrying Satan. Can we abort that one?
Michael Bray: I've never contemplated that before!
John Westcott: I believe that it's Sin!
Bill Maher: Don't you have it, no pun intended, ass-backwards?
Man at The Holy Land Experience: What if you're wrong?
Bill Maher: Ha! What if YOU'RE wrong?
Bill Maher: [Looking around a workshop for Sabbath-friendly gadgets] If I was in this wheelchair, I would be thinking "Why am I going to these lengths to please God, who's taken my legs away to begin with?"
Bill Maher: What do you think about Homosexuality, the Bible's against it?
Street Monk: No, the Bible's not against it.
Bill Maher: The Bible's not against Homosexuality?
Street Monk: If you are born Homosexual, you have to take that, be happy.
Bill Maher: But that's what the Bible says?
Street Monk: What the Bible means to say.
Bill Maher: Oh, what the Bible MEANS to say! Now THAT'S a Good Book!
Bill Maher: [Extra] A couple of State of the Unions ago George Bush said "We're going to Mars and Worlds beyond" and all of America said "Easy little man, we can't even get from Baghdad to the Baghdad Airport" But when it comes to making ridiculous promises, politicians can't hold a candle to religions. The President can promise we're going to Mars, but Mormons can actually promise you you'll own Mars. Yes Mormons believe in something called celestial marriage which means that if you have a long and faithful marriage while you're on earth you and your lovely wife are rewarded in the next World with a Planet to rule over. Promising planets, it's just shameless, but then again the Muslims promise Pussy. You see that's the great benefit of selling an invisible product, one that can't be tested until after you're dead. It's no wonder the greatest salesmen in the world want a piece of that territory. Because when you're making it all up anyway, there's no limit to the amount of pandering. Now Congress can promise free drugs to old people but think about what you get when you vote for Christianity; eternal life, that is quite an entitlement. And not just eternal life but after you survive your death you're happier than you ever were. It is Heaven. Forget about the party, it's all about the after-party.
Prosecutor: The despatcher asked her "Why did you kill your boys?" and she said "I was told to." She asked "Who told you?" She said "God".
Kirk Cameron: Learn how to share your Faith Effectively and Biblically. To be able to reason with people, learn to circumnavigate or go around the person's intellect.
Bill Maher: Van Gogh, was assassinated right here? He was a Dutch Filmmaker, he made a ten-minute film, it was deeply offensive... to Muslims. Lots of people think that free speech goes right up to this point and then right up to when you're talking about religion, you're talking about the Prophet, all bets are off.
Fatima Elatik: Freedom of speech. It goes both ways, freedom of speech.
Bill Maher: It goes both ways but the people who actually usually do the killing...
Fatima Elatik: Yeah
Bill Maher: -for it wind up on the Muslim side. Do you think that says something about the different cultures?
Fatima Elatik: I don't want to have this image of Muslims as someone if they don't like something they kill you, because it's not.
[Cut to angry "Dutch Cartoonist" Protests. Caption: "50 people were killed as a result of these protests"]
Fatima Elatik: The way I perceive things in the Koran, it's not about killing infidels or homosexuals...
Bill Maher: But you have read it there.
Fatima Elatik: Of course I've read the Koran!
Bill Maher: And you've read those passages. What did you think when you read them?
Fatima Elatik: I explain them within the time they emerged.
Bill Maher: But that's not how people read Holy Books. They don't go "Well that was good for then". People read Holy Books and say "This is the Word of God, it's forever!" That's how most people do it.
Bill Maher: [Extra] Would you still say that you support people who would do harm to abortionists?
Michael Bray: That kind of action, I'd say, cannot be condemned. It's okay to defend a child against someone who's about to murder the child. There are some really fine people, I'm thinking of one, "Shelley" Shannon who's, you know, shot an Abortionist Tiller in Kansas Witchita in each elbow. Right up there close to him, shot him
Michael Bray: . And you know, long...
Bill Maher: So he couldn't work.
Michael Bray: Yeah but he went right back the next day.
Bill Maher: I guess she didn't shoot him too good.
Michael Bray: Yeah! Right.
Bill Maher: That seems better than killing somebody.
Michael Bray: Yeah, it was merciful. Absolutely merciful. And yet she gets 30 years! 30 years for showing mercy to this guy, you know?
Bill Maher: Boy, what's this country coming to when you can't even blow someone up without getting in trouble with the law?
Bill Maher: The fashion industry, the Islamic fashion industry. Do you feel that that's been hobbled at all by the fact that homosexuality is a Sin punishable by death? I'm talking about the designers, you know? Okay.
Bill Maher: [Extra] What about when innocent people get killed during a "defensive action"?
Michael Bray: I'm for that. Yeah. It's collateral damage.
Bill Maher: But it's acceptable?
Michael Bray: We've got to consider what the real issue is here and what the cost is and the risk.
John Westcott: We can look at Creation, what is the normal order? A man has a penis, a woman has a vagina, lets just be blunt!
Bill Maher: I don't believe that people are in this state of denial. I believe they're in this state of denial towards an outsider.
Bill Maher: This is the Mount of Olives. A lot of Orthodox Jews want to be buried here because they believe when the Messiah comes he will raise them from the dead and march them through that Golden Gate and on to the Temple Mount. Which is why the Muslims have walled up the gate, the better to keep out the Jewish Messiah and his kosher zombies from getting in. Although you'd think if you had the power to raise the dead, you'd have the power to jump a fence.
Dr Muhhamed Hourani: For a Muslim you must not hesitate, you must accept every letter, every word of this story.
Bill Maher: But what is your explanation for the millions and millions of people around the World who are leading homosexual lives, have no interest in people of the opposite sex, are they all faking to piss off Jesus?
John Westcott: They didn't choose this, they didn't desire it.
Bill Maher: Right, they were born gay.
John Westcott: No.
Bill Maher: So do you think Jesus at some point will end this Earth? Maybe sometime in your lifetime?
Steve Burg: One always hopes!
Bill Maher: He spends the first four books of the Bible wiping people out.
Man at The Holy Land Experience: His thinking's higher than ours is, Bill!
Bill Maher: Maybe your thinking should be higher.
Man at The Holy Land Experience: That's a good point.
Bill Maher: [Extra] This is the Anne Frank house, when you see it you really understand how true that phrase "The banality of evil" really is. One of the common arguments in defence of religion is that Hitler wasn't religious and neither was Stalin or Mao and they were bad so religion is good. But like religion itself it's an argument that really depends a lot on not thinking too deeply. For one Hitler himself didn't eliminate anyone personally he had a lot of footsoldiers most of whom were good Christians and they pushed people into the ovens. Religion has done a bad job of stepping up and preventing violence-prone bullies from doing their thing. If anything it usually justifies acts of madness. And 20th Century Fascism and Communism while not strictly religions as we've come to think of religion, really were religions. They were state religions. Hitler was seen as infallable and Godlike. Hirohito was absolutely a God on Earth to the Japanese people. We shouldn't get too hung up on the word religion. The bottom line is whether people think and act rationally or not and whenever they organise their lives around something that could best be described as groundlessness bad things happen. Even if the central story seems harmless like there's a God who loves you so much that he had his only Son whacked so that you could keep on sinning. Still, doesn't matter, once reality has left the building, once it's up there in the ether then anything can be extrapolated or tacked on by Preachers and Priesthoods and delusionals and power-hungry pricks. It's not that big a step from "your God is the only God and he loves you very much" to "you really should get out there and start killing for him" Whenever people believe in something utterly groundless because they were told it by a charismatic preacher and Hitler was nothing if not that, all bets are off. Nazism was a religion, a religion based on the insane fiction that Jews were subhuman vermin who did not deserve to live, but people and people not from a primitive society believed it because A they liked the preacher, B the other sheep around them were buying into it even though it was crazy and C it was inextricably tied to their view of a glorious Valhalla-like future. A, B, C. Religion.
Bill Maher: You said "anyone worried about what I'm saying should get involved in the debate, you are allowed to dissent. That is a right." But is that a right in Islam? To dissent.
Propa-Gandhi: Of course it is. Why do you think there are so many schools of thought?
Bill Maher: Well, it wasn't a right for Salman Rushdie.
Bill Maher: It's in the shape of a giant man with a sizeable erection. Well, sizeable for England.
Mormon Educational Video: Mary thought: "If that's what God wants then I'd be happy to go along with His plan".
George W. Bush: I believe that God wants everybody to be free. That's what I believe. And that's part of my Foreign Policy.
Bill Maher: So you would agree that even if a billion people believe something, it can still be ridiculous?
Andrew Newberg: Absolutely.
Bill Maher: You're the one who went to Iran in December 2006 for the President of that Country's Holocaust Denial Conference.
Yisroel Dovid Weiss: Whoa, whoa don't just throw words!
[Photo-montage of Rabbi Weiss attending the conference]
Bill Maher: [Extra] So now let's get to the part where it ties in with what you believe which is, I would say, slightly more controversial
Bill Maher: . Let me see if I understand this right. That everything we really know about what is going on in our World and all the Institutions like Government, Religion, Banking, Organised Crime. They really are all part of a I guess you'd call it a Conspiracy that Reptilians...
David Icke: Well I call them Interdimensionals.
Bill Maher: Okay, but I read what you wrote.
David Icke: Yep.
Bill Maher: Your words. Reptilian- These reptilians from the constellation Draco have interbred with humans and they are living amongst us, there are people like the Pope you talk about George Bush his father the President.
David Icke: Yep.
Bill Maher: The Royal Family in England. Tony Blair. They take human form but behind closed doors they can shape-shift back to their Reptilian form. I need to know how you know this.
David Icke: I've been researching this stuff for twenty years.
Bill Maher: How can you research that?
David Icke: I've been to more than forty countries doing it. This is where the idea of the Divine Right to Rule comes from the Divine Right to Rule because of what? Because of your bloodline, because of your DNA. This goes right back to the ancient world.
Bill Maher: Why do we need reptiles for that? People, human beings are shmucky enough to want to rule over each other.
David Icke: Listen, you can tell me anything you believe and I can start taking it apart on the basis of a little chat in front of this place, right, but what I'm saying is...
Bill Maher: People all the time summarise their works in television interviews.
David Icke: And that's what I'm trying to tell ya.
Bill Maher: Okay
David Icke: If you look at the ancient world, all over the ancient world you find the same recurring story of the interbreeding between humans
[Caption of Genesis 6.4]
David Icke: and non-humans which invariably are depicted in a reptilian form creating hybrid bloodlines, the bloodline of the gods and you look at the symbolism of the serpent all over the place and you put it together with everything else and people just have to look at the information and decide if they want to believe it.
Bill Maher: But why if they have control of everything, why would they reveal themselves with all these serpent clues? What does that benefit them?
David Icke: Well, they don't reveal themselves, do they? They certainly haven't convinced you, have they? The thing is...
Bill Maher: You've also talked about getting a message from a spiritual messenger.
Bill Maher: No?
David Icke: There are so many aspects to this that people need to know before the apparently ridiculous makes sense.
Bill Maher: Didn't you say that you saw the Pope just for a second have his reptilian face?
David Icke: No, I didn't say that about any Pope, no.
Bill Maher: Oh, I read that.
David Icke: Well, you didn't read it in my book.
[Caption: he only saw the Pope's eyes change]
Bill Maher: It's also holding a giant club. So he's naked, he's a giant, he's got a huge cock and he's still insecure.
The Who: Won't get to get what I'm after, until the day I die!
Westboro Baptist Protestor: [Near a Soldier's Funeral, holding up a "God Hates Fags" placard] I don't hate them. God hates them.
Bill Maher: [to the Holocaust-Denying Rabbi] Most Jews say "Never again!" With you it's "Again! Again!"
Bill Maher: That's it. No, I'm done.
Bill Maher: [about the Creation Museum] I don't understand why it's important for there to have been a situation on Earth where man coexisted with dinosaurs, only really in the Flintstones...
Dino: Is someone talking about me?
Bill Maher: -and that Raquel Welch movie does man ever coexist with dinosaurs, why is that important for your salvation or your morality?
Ken Ham: If you're saying that this part over here that says God made land animals and man on the same day is not true, then ultimately, why should I believe this bit over here?
Bill Maher: Why doesn't He just end evil and obliterate the Devil?
Man at The Holy Land Experience: He will.
Bill Maher: When? What's He waiting for?
Man at The Holy Land Experience: End times.
Bill Maher: Why not now?
Bill Maher: God knows what we could have accomplished by now...
Grand Central PA: Your attention please! Your attention please!
Andrew Newberg: Ha! We weren't expecting that! The Voice of God!
Gnarls Barkley: I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind...
Gnarls Barkley: Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?
Ken Ham: If you believe in Creation, we come from a man and a woman. If you believe in Evolution, the woman would have had to have come from an Ape-Woman.
Dr Kira: [about to kiss Charlton Heston] Alright, but you're so damn ugly!
Ken Ham: [Creation Museum] We can answer the questions of the skeptics who attack the Bible's History. We admit that we start from the Bible here, to teach them how to think, really in a nutshell we're saying the Bible's true from Genesis to Revelations.
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: [to his congregation] Anyone who thinks I'm the Antichrist is miserable! Anyone who does not believe in me is miserable!
Rael: The Elohim created life on Earth in a Laboratory. One day there will be a second coming and Jesus, Moses and the Elohim will create for us Peace on Earth.
Bill Maher: Are you sure they're not just fattening us up like veal?
Bill Maher: [Cerne Abbas] Over the Centuries we've had many, many Gods. So why are we so certain about the ones that we have now?
Bill Maher: What does it say about Religion and how serious it is, if you can be a Minister when you're ten?
Bill Maher: [the Hague] You are taking rather a hard line, here, in the Netherlands.
Geert Wilders: Islam is according to me a violent religion, the Koran is a violent book and Mohammed was a violent Prophet.
Bill Maher: You think Islam wants to take over the World?
Geert Wilders: They don't even make a secret about it. We are "Infidels", we should either become Islamic or we should be killed, this is what they say, this is what they are proud of.
[Cuts to the Muslim Gay Bar]
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: I knew a young man who was about to go crazy over a woman, he was about to kill himself. I said "That passion, you should give to God! Turn that to God and see what happens".
[clip of a suicide bombing]
Bill Maher: [to a Neurologist] So, in layman's terms, Jesus was nuts?
Vatican Astronomer: It is impossible for there to be any Science in the Scriptures. The two periods of History are too far apart.
Bill Maher: It's such a powerful position, I mean you hold people's greatest hopes and dreams in the palm of your hand, really. Certainly some of the young women must get a crush on you?
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: [voice goes higher] Umm... Probably. I would too if I was out there. If I was a woman I'd probably have a crush on me too.
Bill Maher: That's keeping it real!
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: Now I can advise other young men about women. Because I've been there. I had a young man who was about to go crazy over a woman, he was about to kill himself, you know? I said "That kind of passion, you should have for God!" I said "Turn that to God, and see what happens!"
[Clip of a suicide bombing]
Bill Maher: Two things that are completely incompatible are Christianity as Jesus taught it and Nationalism. Yet people always say "God and Country".
Bill Maher: I think it's very interesting that you were a Muslim, you're a Christian now, and when you buy your clothes you buy them like a Jew.
Actress from Van Gogh's film: Allah you have made men the protectors and maintainers of women, having made one with more strength than the other. At least once a week I feel the strength of my husband's fist on my face.
Bill Maher: [Speaker's Corner Hyde Park] Xenu brought us here 75 million years ago, stacked us around a volcano and then blew us up with Hydrogen Bombs! Get yourself an E-meter!
[someone crowns him with a balloon sculpture]
Bill Maher: They say they're speaking in tongues, but when you do the scans they're just babbling, right?