Chiron: Percy, take this to defend yourself. It's a powerful weapon. Guard it well. Only use it in times of severe distress.
Percy Jackson: This is a pen. This is a *pen.*
Annabeth Chase: [leaning in as if to kiss Percy, then swiping his sword] First rule of battle strategy. Don't ever let your opponent distract you.
Percy Jackson: But you were some weird hybrid, man-goat THNG, woah!
Grover: Yeah. The politically correct term is satyr.
Percy Jackson: Mr. Brunner?
Chiron: In my world, I'm known as Chiron. Are you recovered?
Percy Jackson: Am I recovered? You, you're not in a wheelchair. You have...
Chiron: A real horses ass.
Hades: [yelling] Persephone! What could possibly be taking so long? Don't ignore me!
Persephone: [yells back] Or what? What will you do?
Persephone: I'm already in Hell.
Grover: [holding up the Medusa head] Guys, I cannot pee with her watching!
[the passing maid sees the head, screams, and runs off]
Annabeth Chase: We better leave before Homeland Security shows up.
Luke: Do me a favor. If you see my dad on the highway to hell...
Percy Jackson: Yeah?
Luke: Kick his ass for me.
Grover: [Seeing the daughters of Aphrodite in the hot tub, and turning to Percy] Daughters of Aphrodite... You know what that means man!
Percy Jackson: What's her name?
[pointing at Annabeth]
Grover: [laughs] She will squash you like a bug.
Percy Jackson: Her *name*.
Grover: Annabeth. Daughter of Athena, the goddess of wisdom.
Grover: [the ferry man just burned the money he gave him] Come on man, You could've warned me...
Grover: We're in a recession!
Poseidon: It's been many years
Zeus: What do you see?
Poseidon: Thunder clouds.
Zeus: With no lightning. Stolen.
Percy Jackson: Oh I wish I could spend all day in the water instead of this place
Grover: Oh like High School without the musical
Zeus: Give me the bolt, lightning thief.
[Percy lobs the bolt to Zeus. In Zeus' grasp, the lightning bolt grows to its true size]
Zeus: You're wise to betray your father.
Percy Jackson: I didn't steal it! And I have no connection to Poseidon.
Zeus: But tell me... if you didn't steal it, then who did?
Percy Jackson: Luke. Son of Hermes.
[Hermes glances at Percy in surprise]
Percy Jackson: You see, he was angry at you. All of you! He wanted you to destroy yourselves.
Grover: And he's alive! Percy Jackson is a beast! You're a beast, man! Gimme some!
Percy Jackson: How long was that?
Grover: Seven minutes.
Percy Jackson: Seven minutes?
Grover: Uh-huh. That's crazy, man, that's ridiculous. How do you do it?
Percy Jackson: I just like being in water. It's the one place I can think.
Grover: GPS from the gods. Where to next?
Percy Jackson: [unfolding the map] Let's see.
[a new marking appears on the map]
Percy Jackson: The Parthenon in Nashville.
Grover: Nashville? Oh, great. Home of my least favorite music. Yeehaw!
Percy Jackson: [seeing the red flag across the stream] No...
[Percy hurries across the stream, chuckling]
Percy Jackson: We won.
[Annabeth drops from the trees]
Percy Jackson: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Annabeth Chase: Do you really think it would be that easy? My mother is the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. Do you know what that means? I always win.
Percy Jackson: I always lose. Maybe we're both wrong.
Annabeth Chase: [attacks] Hyah!
Chiron: Keep moving! Keep moving! Don't lose interest! One foot in front of the other and the next thing you know, you're running!
Percy Jackson: I get the sense that you don't like me very much.
Annabeth Chase: It's possible. I mean, our parents hate each other.
Percy Jackson: Wait... they do?
Annabeth Chase: Mm-hmm. I definitely have strong feelings for you. I just haven't decided if they're positive or negative yet.
Percy Jackson: Well, you let me know when you figure it out.
Annabeth Chase: You'll be the first.
Percy Jackson: You're half donkey?
Grover: No, half goat! Now come on!
[busts out window and climbs out running with hooves]
Percy Jackson: Let's stop for the night!
Percy Jackson: Let's stop for the night!
Ferryman: Welcome to the underworld.
Percy Jackson: [Upon seeing objects floating by him] What is all this?
Ferryman: Scrap heap of human misery. Lost hopes and dreams. Wishes that never came true.
Medusa: We get so lonely here. That's why I created my statues. They're my only company.
Medusa: [to Annabeth] Daughter of Athena.
Annabeth Chase: How do you know me?
Medusa: You have such a beautiful hair. I used to have like that one before. I was courted, desired by many. But that all changed, because of your mother-who cursed me, who turned me into...
[removing her hair cover]
Annabeth Chase: Don't look!
Medusa: They say the eyes are windows to the soul. I hope you find my eyes...
[removing her glasses]
Medusa: Attractive... So rude not looking people in the eyes. Come on, sneak a peak.
Mrs. Dodds: You stole the lightning bolt!
Percy Jackson: I don't know what your talking about!
Mrs. Dodds: Give to me, now, or I will bite your heart out!
Annabeth Chase: [bringing Percy and Grover to Luke's quarters] Luke?
Luke: [playing Call of Duty on a big flat-screen monitor] Hmm? Hey, guys! Percy, I figured you'd stop by sooner or later. Everybody does, just to get away from all that Renaissance Fair stuff out there, you know?
[Luke turns off the video game, stands, and gestures at all his electronics in the quarters]
Luke: But... welcome to the modern world.
Luke: Percy Jackson! Well, you're weren't supposed to make it out alive. I can't let you that bolt to Olympus. I'm the lightning thief.
Percy Jackson: You hid the bolt in my shield. Why?
Luke: Well, when you said you were going to the Underworld, it hit me. That is the perfect opportunity to get the bolt to Hades.
Percy Jackson: Why would you do that?
Luke: To bring Olympus crumbling down.
Hades: Percy Jackson. Bring me the bolt. Be a good boy. Hand it to me and I'll exchange it for your mother.
Chiron: Percy! Listen- Percy!
Percy Jackson: [he walks towards him] My mother's gone!
Hades: No. Your mother is still alive. I sent the Minotaur to abduct her. She's here with me in the Underworld.
[He helds out his palm to reveal a ball of fire that forms a figure of Percy's mom]
Sally Jackson: Percy.
[Hades swipes his hand and she disappears]
Percy Jackson: What have you done with my mother?
Hades: If you ever want to see your mother again, you will bring me the bolt!
[disappears in a fiery tornado]
Percy Jackson: [watching a kid playing a game based on The French Connection movie] The French Connection, huh?
Smart Ass Kid: Yeah. You seen it yet?
Percy Jackson: Yeah, yeah, I think so, on DVD.
Smart Ass Kid: What's DVD?
Percy Jackson: Seriously?
Smart Ass Kid: Whatever. I think it's the best movie of the year.
Percy Jackson: What? Wait. This year?
Smart Ass Kid: Yeah, this year. 1971.
Percy Jackson: [Gabe slaps Sally's butt] Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? That's disgusting. We're in a kitchen.
Medusa: [When she meets Annabeth & the Hysterical Woman] Well THIS is a fabulous surprise!
Medusa: I hear you have the lightning bolt. May I see it?
Percy Jackson: I don't have it!
Medusa: Let me see you eyes. I hear they're bluer than the Circassian Sea! Open them, or my hungry babies will have to open them for you. But it would be such a pity to destroy such a young, handsome face. Stay with me, Percy. All you have to do is look.
Grover: Look, don't worry. There's hundreds in the world. Some lead normal lives, and some, I'm not allowed to divulge their names, are very famous. I'm talking about, like White House famous. See, man, this is a place where you'll learn to harness your powers. You'll train to become leaders, warriors and heroes.
Percy Jackson: I think you have the wrong guy, alright? I;m not a hero. I'm a loser. I have dyslexia, ADHD.
Grover: And those are your greatest gifts. When you try to read, the words float off the page, right? That's because your brain is hardwired for Ancient Greek, not English.
Percy Jackson: Like at the museum, I could read.
Grover: Yeah. And your ADHD? You're impulsive, Percy. You can't by still! Those are your natural battle reflexes, man. They kept you alive in your fight.