Annabeth Chase: [leaning in as if to kiss Percy, then swiping his sword] First rule of battle strategy. Don't ever let your opponent distract you.
Chiron: Percy, take this to defend yourself. It's a powerful weapon. Guard it well. Only use it in times of severe distress.
Percy Jackson: This is a pen. This is a *pen.*
Percy Jackson: [seeing the red flag across the stream] No...
[Percy hurries across the stream, chuckling]
Percy Jackson: We won.
[Annabeth drops from the trees]
Percy Jackson: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Annabeth Chase: Do you really think it would be that easy? My mother is the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. Do you know what that means? I always win.
Percy Jackson: I always lose. Maybe we're both wrong.
Annabeth Chase: [attacks] Hyah!
Percy Jackson: I get the sense that you don't like me very much.
Annabeth Chase: It's possible. I mean, our parents hate each other.
Percy Jackson: Wait... they do?
Annabeth Chase: Mm-hmm. I definitely have strong feelings for you. I just haven't decided if they're positive or negative yet.
Percy Jackson: Well, you let me know when you figure it out.
Annabeth Chase: You'll be the first.
Percy Jackson: What's her name?
[pointing at Annabeth]
Grover: [laughs] She will squash you like a bug.
Percy Jackson: Her *name*.
Grover: Annabeth. Daughter of Athena, the goddess of wisdom.
Luke: Do me a favor. If you see my dad on the highway to hell...
Percy Jackson: Yeah?
Luke: Kick his ass for me.
Percy Jackson: But you were some weird hybrid, man-goat THNG, woah!
Grover: Yeah. The politically correct term is satyr.
Grover: GPS from the gods. Where to next?
Percy Jackson: [unfolding the map] Let's see.
[a new marking appears on the map]
Percy Jackson: The Parthenon in Nashville.
Grover: Nashville? Oh, great. Home of my least favorite music. Yeehaw!
Percy Jackson: Mr. Brunner?
Chiron: In my world, I'm known as Chiron. Are you recovered?
Percy Jackson: Am I recovered? You, you're not in a wheelchair. You have...
Chiron: A real horses ass.
Grover: And he's alive! Percy Jackson is a beast! You're a beast, man! Gimme some!
Percy Jackson: How long was that?
Grover: Seven minutes.
Percy Jackson: Seven minutes?
Grover: Uh-huh. That's crazy, man, that's ridiculous. How do you do it?
Percy Jackson: I just like being in water. It's the one place I can think.
Grover: [holding up the Medusa head] Guys, I cannot pee with her watching!
[the passing maid sees the head, screams, and runs off]
Annabeth Chase: We better leave before Homeland Security shows up.
Hades: [yelling] Persephone! What could possibly be taking so long? Don't ignore me!
Persephone: [yells back] Or what? What will you do?
Persephone: I'm already in Hell.
Grover: [the ferry man just burned the money he gave him] Come on man, You could've warned me...
Grover: We're in a recession!
Grover: [Seeing the daughters of Aphrodite in the hot tub, and turning to Percy] Daughters of Aphrodite... You know what that means man!
Poseidon: It's been many years
Zeus: What do you see?
Poseidon: Thunder clouds.
Zeus: With no lightning. Stolen.
Zeus: Give me the bolt, lightning thief.
[Percy lobs the bolt to Zeus. In Zeus' grasp, the lightning bolt grows to its true size]
Zeus: You're wise to betray your father.
Percy Jackson: I didn't steal it! And I have no connection to Poseidon.
Zeus: But tell me... if you didn't steal it, then who did?
Percy Jackson: Luke. Son of Hermes.
[Hermes glances at Percy in surprise]
Percy Jackson: You see, he was angry at you. All of you! He wanted you to destroy yourselves.
Percy Jackson: You're half donkey?
Grover: No, half goat! Now come on!
[busts out window and climbs out running with hooves]
Mrs. Dodds: You stole the lightning bolt!
Percy Jackson: I don't know what your talking about!
Mrs. Dodds: Give to me, now, or I will bite your heart out!
Medusa: We get so lonely here. That's why I created my statues. They're my only company.
Medusa: [to Annabeth] Daughter of Athena.
Annabeth Chase: How do you know me?
Medusa: You have such a beautiful hair. I used to have like that one before. I was courted, desired by many. But that all changed, because of your mother-who cursed me, who turned me into...
[removing her hair cover]
Annabeth Chase: Don't look!
Medusa: They say the eyes are windows to the soul. I hope you find my eyes...
[removing her glasses]
Medusa: Attractive... So rude not looking people in the eyes. Come on, sneak a peak.
Chiron: Keep moving! Keep moving! Don't lose interest! One foot in front of the other and the next thing you know, you're running!
Annabeth Chase: [bringing Percy and Grover to Luke's quarters] Luke?
Luke: [playing Call of Duty on a big flat-screen monitor] Hmm? Hey, guys! Percy, I figured you'd stop by sooner or later. Everybody does, just to get away from all that Renaissance Fair stuff out there, you know?
[Luke turns off the video game, stands, and gestures at all his electronics in the quarters]
Luke: But... welcome to the modern world.
Luke: Percy Jackson! Well, you're weren't supposed to make it out alive. I can't let you that bolt to Olympus. I'm the lightning thief.
Percy Jackson: You hid the bolt in my shield. Why?
Luke: Well, when you said you were going to the Underworld, it hit me. That is the perfect opportunity to get the bolt to Hades.
Percy Jackson: Why would you do that?
Luke: To bring Olympus crumbling down.
Percy Jackson: Let's stop for the night!
Percy Jackson: Let's stop for the night!
Ferryman: Welcome to the underworld.
Percy Jackson: [Upon seeing objects floating by him] What is all this?
Ferryman: Scrap heap of human misery. Lost hopes and dreams. Wishes that never came true.
Poseidon: I know I'm not the father you always wanted. But if you even need me, I'll be there for you. In your thoughts, in your dreams.
Hades: Percy Jackson. Bring me the bolt. Be a good boy. Hand it to me and I'll exchange it for your mother.
Chiron: Percy! Listen- Percy!
Percy Jackson: [he walks towards him] My mother's gone!
Hades: No. Your mother is still alive. I sent the Minotaur to abduct her. She's here with me in the Underworld.
[He helds out his palm to reveal a ball of fire that forms a figure of Percy's mom]
Sally Jackson: Percy.
[Hades swipes his hand and she disappears]
Percy Jackson: What have you done with my mother?
Hades: If you ever want to see your mother again, you will bring me the bolt!
[disappears in a fiery tornado]
Medusa: I hear you have the lightning bolt. May I see it?
Percy Jackson: I don't have it!
Medusa: Let me see you eyes. I hear they're bluer than the Circassian Sea! Open them, or my hungry babies will have to open them for you. But it would be such a pity to destroy such a young, handsome face. Stay with me, Percy. All you have to do is look.
Percy Jackson: [watching a kid playing a game based on The French Connection movie] The French Connection, huh?
Smart Ass Kid: Yeah. You seen it yet?
Percy Jackson: Yeah, yeah, I think so, on DVD.
Smart Ass Kid: What's DVD?
Percy Jackson: Seriously?
Smart Ass Kid: Whatever. I think it's the best movie of the year.
Percy Jackson: What? Wait. This year?
Smart Ass Kid: Yeah, this year. 1971.
Percy Jackson: [Gabe slaps Sally's butt] Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? That's disgusting. We're in a kitchen.