Chiron: Percy, take this to defend yourself. It's a powerful weapon. Guard it well. Only use it in times of severe distress.
Percy Jackson: This is a pen. This is a *pen.*
[Annabeth leaning in as if to kiss Percy, then swiping his sword]
Annabeth Chase: Whoa! Whoa! Wait!
Percy Jackson: First rule of battle strategy. Don't ever let your opponent distract you.
Grover: So, uh, Perce... what do you remember?
Percy Jackson: Some crazy dream. I don't know. There was a monster. My mon was there. Well- well, you were there, too, but you were some weird hybrid, man-goat *thing*! Woah!
Grover: Yeah. The politically correct term is Satyr.
Percy Jackson: Mr. Brunner?
Chiron: In my world, I'm known as Chiron. Are you recovered?
Percy Jackson: Am *I* recovered? You, you're... not in a wheelchair. You have...
Chiron: A real horses ass.
Hades: [yelling] Persephone! What could possibly be taking so long? Don't ignore me!
Persephone: [yells back] Or *what*? What will you do?
Persephone: I'm already in Hell.
Grover: [holding up the Medusa head] Guys, I can't pee with her watching me.
[the passing maid sees the head, screams, and runs off]
Grover: Sorry, guys. I messed up. I should have closed the curtains.
Annabeth Chase: Come on, guys. Let's hit the road before Homeland Security shows up.
Luke: But, uh, you're gonna have to promise me one thing. If you see my dad on the highway to hell.
Percy Jackson: Yeah?
Luke: Kick his ass for me.
Percy Jackson: Oh, you guys take camp way too seriously.
Grover: [Seeing the daughters of Aphrodite in the hot tub, and turning to Percy and Chiron] Ooh. The Daughters of Aphrodite. Okay. All right, guys. You guys got a lot of catching up to do. Their mother is the Goddess of Love, so you know where that leads. Hey, baby! Whoo!
Percy Jackson: What's her name?
[pointing at Annabeth]
Grover: [laughs] She will squash you like a bug.
Percy Jackson: Her *name*.
Grover: Annabeth. Daughter of Athena, the goddess of wisdom.
Grover: [the Ferryman just burned the money he gave him] That was a Hundred and Seventy dollars!
Percy Jackson: Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The drachma. The drachma!
[Percy give the Ferryman the drachmas]
Ferryman: Climb aboard.
Grover: Thanks for telling me, man, you're burning money. We're in a recession. That's treason.
Zeus: It's been many years.
Zeus: What do you see?
Poseidon: Thunder clouds.
Zeus: But no lightning. Stolen.
Zeus: Give me the bolt, lightning thief.
[Percy lobs the bolt to Zeus. In Zeus' grasp, the lightning bolt grows to its true size]
Zeus: You're wise to betray your father.
Percy Jackson: I didn't steal it. And I have no connection to Poseidon.
Zeus: But tell me... if you didn't steal it, then who did?
Percy Jackson: Luke, son of Hermes.
[Hermes glances at Percy in surprise]
Percy Jackson: You see, he was angry at you. *All* of you. He wanted you to destroy yourselves.
Grover: And he's alive! Percy Jackson is a beast! You're a beast, man! Gimme some.
Percy Jackson: How long was that?
Grover: Seven minutes.
Percy Jackson: Seven minutes?
Percy Jackson: Oh.
Grover: That's crazy, man. That's ridiculous. How do you do it?
Percy Jackson: I just like being in water. It's the one place I can think.
Grover: GPS from the gods. Where to next?
Percy Jackson: [unfolding the map] Let's see.
[a new marking appears on the map]
Percy Jackson: The Parthenon in Nashville.
Grover: Nashville? Oh, great. Home of my least favorite music. Yee-haw!
Percy Jackson: [seeing the red flag across the stream] No...
[Percy hurries across the stream, chuckling]
Percy Jackson: I won.
[Annabeth drops from the trees]
Percy Jackson: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Annabeth Chase: Did you really think it would be that easy? My mother is goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. Do you know what that means? I always win.
Percy Jackson: I always lose. Maybe we're both wrong.
Chiron: Keep moving, keep moving! Don't lose interest! One foot in front of the other, and the next thing you know, you're running!
Percy Jackson: I get the sense that you don't like me very much.
Annabeth Chase: It's possible. I mean, our parents hate each other.
Percy Jackson: Wait... they do?
Annabeth Chase: Mmm-hmm. I definitely have strong feelings for you. I just haven't decided if they're positive or negative yet.
Percy Jackson: Well, you let me know... when you figure it out.
Annabeth Chase: You'll be the first.
Poseidon: I know I'm not the father you always wanted, but if you ever need me, I'll be there for you, in your thoughts and in your dreams.
Medusa: We get so lonely here. Don't we? That's why I create my statues. They're my only company, daughter of Athena.
Annabeth Chase: How do you know me?
Medusa: You have such beautiful hair. I once had hair like that. I was courted, desired by many suitors. But that all changed because of your mother, the woman who cursed me. Who turned me...
[removing her hair cover]
Annabeth Chase: [to Hysterical Woman] Don't look!
Medusa: ...into this!
Medusa: They say the eyes are windows to the soul. I hope you find my eyes...
[removing her glasses]
Medusa: ...attractive... So rude, not looking people in the eyes. Come on. Sneak a peak.
Percy Jackson: You're half donkey?
Grover: No, half goat.
[busts out window with hooves and climbs out]
Sally Jackson: Go, Grover!
Grover: Guys, watch out, there's glass! Now come on!
[after Grover nods off while driving and almost crashes]
Percy Jackson: Let's stop for the night!
Percy Jackson: Let's stop for the night!
Ferryman: Welcome to the underworld.
Percy Jackson: [Upon seeing objects floating by him] What is all this?
Ferryman: The scrapheap of human misery. Lost hopes and dreams. Wishes that never came true.
Fury: You stole the lightning bolt!
Percy Jackson: I don't know what your talking about!
Fury: Give to me! Give it to me! Now! Or I will bite your heart out!
Annabeth Chase: [bringing Percy and Grover to Luke's quarters] Luke?
Luke: [playing Call of Duty on a big flat-screen monitor] Hmm? Hey, guys. Percy. I figured you'd stop by sooner or later. Everybody does... to get away from all that Renaissance Fair stuff out there, you know?
[Luke turns off the video game, stands, and gestures at all his electronics in the quarters]
Luke: But, uh... welcome to the modern world.
Luke: Percy Jackson! Well, you're weren't supposed to make it out alive. I can't let you that bolt to Olympus. I'm the lightning thief.
Percy Jackson: You hid the bolt in my shield. Why?
Luke: Well, when you said you were going to the Underworld, it hit me. That is the perfect opportunity to get the bolt to Hades.
Percy Jackson: Why would you do that?
Luke: To bring Olympus crumbling down.
Hades: Percy Jackson, bring me the bolt! Be a good boy. Hand it to me and I will exchange it for your mother.
Chiron: Percy! Listen, Percy!
Percy Jackson: [he walks towards Hades] My mother's gone!
Hades: No, your mother is still alive. I sent the Minotaur to abduct her. She is here with me in the Underworld.
[He holds out his palm to reveal a ball of fire that forms into a figure of Percy's mom]
Percy Jackson: Mom?
Sally Jackson: Percy.
[Hades swipes his hand and she disappears]
Percy Jackson: What have you done with my mother?
Hades: If you ever want to see your mother again, you will bring me the bolt!
[disappears in a fiery display]
Percy Jackson: [watching a kid playing a game based on The French Connection movie] The French Connection, huh?
Seventies Kid - Casino: Yeah. You seen it yet?
Percy Jackson: Yeah, yeah, I think so, on DVD.
Seventies Kid - Casino: What's DVD?
Percy Jackson: Seriously?
Seventies Kid - Casino: Whatever. I think it's the best movie of the year.
Percy Jackson: What? Wait. This year?
Seventies Kid - Casino: Yeah, this year. 1971.
Percy Jackson: [Gabe slaps Sally's butt] Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? it's disgusting. We-We're in a kitchen.
Medusa: [When she meets Annabeth & the Hysterical Woman] Well, *this* is a fabulous surprise.
Medusa: I hear you have the lightning bolt. May I see it?
Percy Jackson: I don't have it!
Medusa: Let me see you eyes. I hear they're bluer than the Circassian Sea! Open them, or my hungry babies will have to open them for you. But it would be such a pity to destroy such a young, handsome face. Stay with me, Percy. All you have to do is look.
Grover: Look, don't worry. But you're not alone. There's hundreds in the world. Some lead normal lives, and some, I'm not allowed to divulge their names, are very famous. I'm talking about, like, White House famous. See, man, this is a place right here, this's the place where you'll learn to harness your powers. You'll train to become leaders, warriors and heroes.
Percy Jackson: I think you have the wrong guy, all right? I'm not a hero. I'm a loser. I have dyslexia, ADHD.
Grover: And those are your greatest gifts. When you try to read, the words float off the page, right? That's because your brain is hardwired for Ancient Greek, not English.
Percy Jackson: Like at the museum, I could read.
Grover: Yeah. And your ADHD? You're impulsive, Percy. You can't by still! Those are your natural battle reflexes, man. They kept you alive in your fight.