Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid (2006 TV Short)
Ron White: If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's boobs start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted, move the nipple wherever. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman." If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
Ron White: I think because of the unrest in the Middle East, we're all becoming more aware of the globe. I found out the other day there really is a place called Bumfuk, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
Ron White: Probably the most frequently asked question on my website is why I'm not a part of Blue Collar TV, which is Jeff, Larry, and Bill's show, and the answer is because of my work ethic. My grandfather used to say, "That boy's got a lot of quit in him." And the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah? Well FUCK you!" I thought I had won, 'cause the other kid was *speechless*. I thought that's what we were trying to do.
Ron White: My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period. The next year, they formed a comma. We're kicking some ass.
Ron White: The year I turned 13, I experimented with something, and my grandma caught me in the bathroom just a'doin it. She said, "It says in the Bible, young man, that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground." I said, "Tough to argue with that logic, Grandma. You got 50 bucks?"
Ron White: The Ayatollah of Iran died today, and now they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mau Mau!
Ron White: Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even.
Ron White: We went on our honeymoon to Santorini, Greece, and the cruise was fine. We fought the whole time. And I knew this was going to happen because she booked the cruise, she's showing it to me on the calendar, and the cruise is at the end of the month. Guess what else happens at the end of the month over at our house?
Ron White: There was a fan of mine there who wanted to talk to me all day long, yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak. This guy told me his entire life story against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcibly shoved unwanted information into my ear hole! No means no!
Ron White: That wasn't even the guy's worst quality. He was like 60 years old, he was a marathon runner in great physical shape, about 5'5", 130 pounds, and he had these huge hands, this gigantic nose, and this little tiny bathing suit with what looked like a squirrel living in it. I shit you not.
Ron White: So we make it to Santorini, and Santorini is on the rim of an ancient volcano. And for 2000 years, folks, the only way to get to the top of the rim on the port side of the island was to take a donkey 800 feet up these switchbacks, takes forever. Until 5 years ago, somebody installed a tram that does the same thing in 18 seconds. And I was shocked to see the donkey guy still in business because he had the worst sales pitch I had ever heard in my life. He says, "You can take the donkey to the top of the rim, or you can take the tram. It is the same price." That would be my biggest secret if I were you, buddy. I'd be lying to people as soon as they got off the ship. "The donkey is $3.50. The tram is about 2800 Euro."
Ron White: This guy walks over to the tree, he scratches the bark with his thumb, walks back over to me, and he says this, and I quote: "The core of this tree is still alive." I said, "Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees."
Ron White: They searched Michael Jackson's bedroom and found life-size dolls of little boys, one of them dressed in a Cub Scout suit. Innocent enough, but if they searched my room and found a life-size doll of a woman, everyone would assume I was fuckin' it. And they'd be right!
Ron White: And as the night went on, these women laughed harder and harder, not at me, but at themselves, because apparently, the drunker a woman gets, the funnier they find little tiny penises to be. Which is probably why I like them so much.
Ron White: When my wife's on her period, she won't have sex with me at all! No way! Which is bullshit, because if the roller coaster's broken, they don't shut down the whole amusement park! People standing outside the fence going, "The log ride's still working. And I've got some
[referring to material in his "They Call Me Tater Salad" DVD]
Ron White: 'coupins'!"
Ron White: And I'm sweating scotch from every pore on my body. There was a big party the night before, and I was more fucked up than Courtney Love after the Pamela Anderson Roast.
Ron White: Somebody asked me what brand of scotch this is. If the company was paying me to drink their scotch, I'd have it in their bottle instead of mine.
Ron White: So we make up from our little tiff, we're walking hand in hand down the beach. It turns out this side of the island is a nude beach. Guess who's there? Squirrel Man! With what looks like an anaconda laying in his lap! I said, "That thing must have eaten the squirrel!" And I wouldn't begrudge him one bit because if that were me, I would have been holding a picture frame around it!
[pretends to hold a picture frame around his penis and imitates the Greek donkey ride salesman from earlier in this bit]
Ron White: "You can take the donkey to the top of the rim, or you can ride this. It is the same price!"
Ron White: My wife's a smart woman. She came up with a brilliant solution for the overpopulation of the planet. It's simple, unlike most brilliant ideas. Stop spending money on research for products like Cialis and Viagra, and instead, invest that money in research to develop a product that makes semen taste like chocolate.
Ron White: I am however, a member of a group I created called the Mile Ahead Club. That's where you fuck somebody behind a Cracker Barrel billboard. We're having a membership meeting, so grab your partner and skip to my lou.
[about his cousin Ray having made a homophobic remark]
Ron White: I said "We're all gay, buddy. It's just to what degree are you gay." And he goes, "That's bullshit, man. I ain't gay at all." And I go "Yeah, you are. And I can prove it." He goes "Fine. Prove it." I go, "All right. Do you like porn?" He says "Yeah, I love porn. You know that." I said, "Oh, and do you only watch scenes with two women?" And he goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a woman makin' love." And I say "Oh, and do you like the guy to have a flabby, half-flaccid penis?" And he goes "No, I like big, hard, throbbing cock..."
[he trails off]
Ron White: "I did not know that about myself."
Ron White: "Do you like chocolate?"