Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?
Al: A "Bewitched" with Dick York, not Dick Sargent, as Darrin, a "Gilligan" where the gorilla comes to the island, a "Full House" Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.
Peggy: You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet?
Al: I see what I want to see.
Peggy: Oooh, look, "It's A Wonderful Life".
Al: Peg, I hate this movie.
Peggy: How can you hate "It's A Wonderful Life"?
Al: Because it's a horrible life. You know the reason they never made a sequel? Because when the guy came back he killed himself. And this time he took that angel with him. This must be written by a woman. This stinks, it bites, it blows. But if you wanna watch it, Peg...
Al: What's on now?
Peggy: I Love Lucy.
Al: Well I hate Lucy. The real star was Fred. They should've killed off Ethel, Lucy and that illegal alien... Made Fred a single man and called it "Mertz's World", but oh well.
Kelly: [about a juke box] Well, we can take it upstairs and hide it in one of our rooms?
Bud: Oh, no problem. Just let me eats me spinach first.
Al: You know, Marcy, it's a damn shame you're not having a Christmas party this year. I had a really good time at the last one. Remember, I got 95 cocktail weenies stuffed in my mouth? I would have gotten 96 in if I didn't have to sneeze. Hey, you remember the look on your boss's face? It's a shame you're not having a Christmas party for a got a whole new batch of dwarf jokes to tell this year.
Announcer: And now the Black Entertainment channel presents: It's a Malcolm X-mass.
Announcer: A&E is proud to present: It's a Hitler Christmas.
Al: A&E? I thought we had that blocked!
Al: Oh, no. Not Sally Struthers feeds the Third World channel. Hey, Sally, open your purse up! I'm sure there's enough Ding-Dong's and Ho-Ho's in there to open a new Seven-Eleven! That's that every starving kid needs, someone like Sally standing their while they're eating saying, "are you gonna finish that?"