Home Movies (TV Series)

It Was Supposed to Be Funny (2001)

H. Jon Benjamin: Coach John McGuirk, Jason Penopolis

Quotes 

• Coach McGuirk : How do you spell 'sophisticated'?

  Melissa : Uhh... OK, sophisticated: S - O - F...

  Coach McGuirk : Wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Take it one letter at a time. As you were saying...

  Melissa : Sophisticated: S - O - F... .

  Coach McGuirk : Right, you know what? You don't have to do that spelling bee crap.

  Melissa : It's just the way I know how to spell.

  Coach McGuirk : But in reality, you don't have to say words before you spell them. Like I don't have to say say, every every, word word, twice twice, alright alright?

  Melissa : OK!

  [whispers to herself] 

  Melissa : Sophisticated.

  [speaking] 

  Melissa : S -O...

  Coach McGuirk : You did it again, Melissa!

  Melissa : I'm sorry!

  Coach McGuirk : Just spell the word!

  Melissa : Um... I can't do it without saying it.

  Coach McGuirk : C'mon!

  Melissa : S - O - F...

  Coach McGuirk : Alright, S - O - F...

  Melissa : ...I - S - T - I - T - E...

  [whispers] 

  Melissa : Sophisticated

  [speaking] 

  Melissa : D... - C!...

  Coach McGuirk : I thought it was over.

  Melissa : ...D...

  Coach McGuirk : C - D...

  Melissa : And then another D at the end.

  Coach McGuirk : Two Ds at the end?

  Melissa : Does it look right with two Ds?

  Coach McGuirk : No.

  Melissa : One D.

  Coach McGuirk : You have an eraser?

  Melissa : Yeah.

  Coach McGuirk : Well give it to me.

  Melissa : The eraser smells like strawberries.

  Coach McGuirk : Well it doesn't taste like strawberries. C... D... Wow, that's a long word.

  Melissa : I know.

  Coach McGuirk : Do me a favor, will ya? Read this to me and tell me what you think.

  Melissa : What is it?

  Coach McGuirk : It's a paper I wrote... an article. Yeah, I write for a newspaper occasionally.

  Melissa : That's impressive.

  Coach McGuirk : Yeah, just read it, please.

  Melissa : "Handsome, Sofis... Sofis... Handsome..."

  Coach McGuirk : [Coach grabs the clipboard]  'Sophisticated', Melissa.

  Melissa : Oh, right! "Handsome, sophisticated man enjoys fine wine and lots of it, seeks beautiful girl for long walks." That's really nice, Coach McGuirk.

  Coach McGuirk : Yeah, I changed it from 'enjoys alcohol'. I mean, I have to boil down my whole personality in one huge lie.

  Melissa : You did a good job.

• Coach McGuirk : First of all, life sucks. Alright? Period. Done deal. You got it? There's your lesson. Go enjoy it.

• Coach McGuirk : [filming a video dating ad]  Hey ladies... My name is John McGuirk.

  [long pause] 

  Coach McGuirk : I am a professional soccer at the, uh, elementary school level, and I, uh, I own a nice car, though I do not currently have legal access to it. As you can see, I used to be in good shape, and, uh, in the last two years, I have successfully completed four out of five rehab programs. The kind of woman I'm interested in is the one, uh, I guess, who's still watching this video.

• Brendon : For your own sake, do not go, 'cause, you know, it's not healthy for you to be hanging around with old people because, you know, you could catch an old person's disease and suddenly become old

  Brendon : Brendon, that's a myth. You'd like my grandfather. He's a great storyteller. You know 'Titanic'?

  Brendon : Of course I do!

  Melissa : He saw the *original* movie.

  Brendon : Well that's, uh...

  Jason Penopolis : Brendon, my grandfather calls me 'Debbie' and tries to kiss me. No. My grandfather was a surgeon, and lost a big malpractice suit because he cut off the wrong leg.

  Melissa : That's awful!

  Brendon : It's terrible, Jason.

  Jason Penopolis : That's what the patient said, but it was a little more angry.

• Coach McGuirk : My ideal woman is my mother, actually, who I hate.