Destroy All Humans! 2 (2006 Video Game)
Pox: Crypto the mothership has been destroyed, and I've been blown to smithereens! Luckily I was able to download a incredible copy of perfect mind into this "Holopox" just before the ship blew up!
Crypto: Wow, that IS lucky!
White Ninja: [thought scan in haiku] Angelina J/You've not even been born yet/But I can't wait.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: And now for something... completely different.
Ivan Oranchov: Premier comrade Milenkov, comrade agents, thank you for coming. Here's what we know so far.
[a slide show displaying the first game's events and its aftermath is shown]
Ivan Oranchov: Ten years ago, the United States government covered up an invasion by an alien race known as Furons. Their primary agent was this Furon: Cryptosporidium-137, dangerous, unpredictable and now deceased.
Milenkov: So? What is being problem?
Ivan Oranchov: The problem, comrade, is that Furons can clone themselves and pose convincingly as humans, and they've used these abilities to put Cryptosporidium-138 into the White House!
KGB Agent: [gasps] The American people are not noticing?
Ivan Oranchov: Da, right. Pull the other one. Even worse, this new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox-13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as "the package".
Ivan Oranchov: These aliens pose a dire threat to the Soviet Union, comrades, and so they must be destroyed! As we speak, President Crypto is in Bay City, attending a youth cultural fest, and Orthopox conducting experiments in the Furon mother ship.
Coyote Bongwater: [when he first sees Crypto] Aaah! Goddamn flashbacks!
Crypto: Guess again, sunshine. Nice setup you got here. Guns, drugs, bra-burning hippie chicks... A man after my own heart, if I had one.
Ivan Oranchov: I don't get it. We blew that alien spacecraft out of the sky and yet the shriveled geriatric one still survived. These zhopas must be harder to kill than we thought.
KGB Agent: I spit on them! Ptooey!
Ivan Oranchov: Nonetheless, inform the Kremlin that we shall proceed with the operation as planned. Tell them we need as much Revelade as they can ship, as quickly as they can ship it.
KGB Agent: Da, Agent Oranchov.
Ivan Oranchov: And our American "distributor"?
KGB Agent: He suspects nothing. In fact he seemed quite enthusiastic about whole idea. He thinks we'll be spreading revolution in a paper cup.
Ivan Oranchov: And so we will. But not, I think, the sort he expects. Idealists.
KGB Agent: I spit on them.
Ivan Oranchov: Stalin, he understood. Ideas may start a revolution, but guns and gulags finish them. Well, no matter. Soon the citizens of Bay City will be embarking on a very bad trip.
[he laughs evilly while the KGB agent joins in]
Pox: I shall continue my repairs on the saucer and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains, I hate this.
Pox: The scriptures say Arkvoodle will return when enough people believe in his image.
Crypto: You mean like Tinkerbell?
Pox: Er... something like that.
Pox: They're working from an abandoned prison island in the middle of the bay.
Crypto: Prison island? The KGB are holed up in Australia?
Space Traffic Control: I'm sorry, sir, but I've never heard of you.
Pox: Never heard of... I'm Orthopox-13 man! The Orthopox-13! The conqueror of Zargon 5? The Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? The winner of the Xanthrax-47 cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids on the dunghills of Beedleblat while you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?
Crypto: For God's sake, Pox, the name of the game is "Destroy All Humans", not "play some record and keep the kids off drugs".
Pox: Do you think you might be able to, maybe, for the next thirty seconds... Concentrate!
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe, at your service, and Her Majesty's. Although in her case, the service is secret.
Secret Agent: Quincy, Mortimer Quincy... Oh it still doesn't sound right.
Pox: This is the great Furon Leader Orthopox...
Crypto: Yeah, that was the great hot air bag and this is Cryptosporidium.
Pox: Crypto... did you just call me an airbag?
Crypto: Hot being the operative word baby... you're hot... hot!
Crypto: So, modern art? Jackson Pollack pees on a canvas and sells it for fifty grand?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Ha! Oh... you're serious. Well, I suppose it takes an educated eye to make sense out of it.
Crypto: Educated eye? What a crock! I don't need a masters in art history to know what I like.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Yes, but as conceptual art becomes more abstract, it helps to understand what the artist had in mind...
Crypto: You do realize the player's in the kitchen making nachos right now.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Well, you did that whole "Blue Rider" thing in the first game, so I thought...
Crypto: Yeah, I know. Lead balloon city.
African-American Hippie: My favorite Jackson? Gotta be Michael. He's just so normal!
Orthopox-13: Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
Crypto: You're a
Crypto: hologram, you look like crap.
Orthopox-13: Crypto, watch your language you
Orthopox-13: [bleep] !
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Silhoutte was the only woman I'll ever love! Ah, well at least I've still got the men.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: I'm glad you're here sir. The Soviets appear to be up to some mischief.
Crypto: What sort of mischief? 'Cause if she says she's eighteen you can't just call her a liar.
Crypto: So you're a secret agent huh? Well I got got a 'package' that needs delivering. For your eyes only.
Natalya Ivanova: I have four knives concealed on my body and I'm lethal with all of them. Concentrate!
Crypto: Oooh... I think I'm in love...
Crypto: Hey, Pox, you know, I've been thinking and, well, I bet that all of this really cuts back on all of your practical jokes, don't it?
Orthopox-13: Oh, sure, point out that I'm dead again! It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it, doesn't it?
Crypto: [talking about his cult] This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.
Orthopox-13: Ah, Albion, where the city never sleeps and the locals never floss...
Crypto: [Ponsonby has drugged Crypto] So sleepy... you... I'll
[he passes out]
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Lower life forms. When will they ever learn?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.
Crypto: You mean, you're not my mother? Or are you?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us where it is or it's the Ludwig treatment for you. Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: Oh God! Not Beethoven! Anything but Beethoven!
Crypto: What was... What was that all about? Oh, my freakin' head... This gas is noxious. Smells like Pox's underwear. Don't ask me how I know that. Hey... Hey, what the... Damn dirty apes! Where the hell am I?
Natalya Ivanova: You're in the ABCESS Mental Reconditioning Facility, under the streets of Albion. Looks like I got here just in time. Now come on, spaceman, move your ass!
Crypto: I don't get it. Why are you helping me?
Natalya Ivanova: Because I know now, you're the only one I can trust. Anyway, who else is going to rescue you?
Orthopox-13: Crypto, If you can here me, meet me in the park. That humans tampering seems to have damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not talking about your new package!
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: How are you feeling?
Crypto: Well I could do with a martini. After a hard day of being drugged and kidnapped nothing else seems to hit the spot.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: [dying] You bastard! You finally did it... M16, the last of the Majestic Agencies... The French... The Mongolian Station... The Argentineans. All destroyed by... aliens.
Crypto: That last round must have scrambled your synapses, I only destroyed the American Majestic... Silhouette's Majestic...
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: You think this is all about you? Oh the irony.
Seargent Fauxhall: Private Danza has been caught selling bazookas to the Soviets. Also he may have some photos... I was young, I needed the money...
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: You honestly think you're the only... the only...
Crypto: The only what?
Orthopox-13: Leave it, Crypto. The man was in the throes of a violent demise and obviously in no state to talk. You've had your fun, now let's get out of here quick!
Eric Hampton: I want to have the operation but I can't do that to my wife. She loves a bit of a go at the old pork cutlass!
Eric Hampton: I'm having a sex change operation.
Irene Hampton: You what?
Eric Hampton: I started having hormone therapy last week. Surely you must have noticed.
Crypto: Cryptography, huh? So they finally wised up and started studying yours truly.
Natalya Ivanova: Sorry, tovarisch, but cryptography is the study of secret codes.
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto is sweet... well he's not sweet but he's kind... Okay, he's not kind but he's cute... in a mutated rodent sort of way.
Natalya Ivanova: Sergei is the kind of guy you date, not the kind you marry. And Crypto's not even the type you date. Actually, Crypto's not even a man.
Algernon, Agent 004: I'm in for it now. There's going to be severe castration... or is it castigation? Either way it's bad.
Orthopox-13: The White ninjas have pieces of our precious mothership and their planning to blow them up!
Crypto: Ninjas again? What are ninjas doing in 1969?
Orthopox-13: Just go with it. Who doesn't love ninjas?
The White Ninja Leader: I am not teenaged/Nor a mutant/Nor a turtle. Loved the comic though.
The White Ninja Leader: We will defend you to the death o' Furon Lord, but first we must compose our death haikus.
The Black Ninja Leader: Kill them all and take their precious articfact.
Crypto: Hey, no one screws with my cult but me!
The White Ninja Leader: In the beginning, great ninja sensei wear gray, and his students wear gray.
Crypto: Yeah, I saw the movie: old master dies, his students split and eventually oppose each other like black opposes white. Am I right or am I right?
The White Ninja Leader: Wrong, the guy stop selling gray fabric. We wanted to be black, but those bastards put their order in first!
The White Ninja Leader: Sensei, tell us what to do. Show us a sign. Should we sacrifice evil temptress demon?
Crypto: Now what's all this crap about an demon temptress?
The White Ninja Leader: We caught her stealing food from the er...
Crypto: You kidnapped a women from the supermarket?
White Ninja: No! No! Of course not!
The White Ninja Leader: Well, yes, definitely. But you do it all the time, what about Miss Rockwell in first game?
Crypto: That's different!
White Ninja: [during Crypto's speech] 1100!1250! 1200! 1250!
Crypto: Stop that!
White Ninja: 1350! 1500! Do I have 2000?
Crypto: Stop that! Who started this?
White Ninja: [whistles nonchalantly]
Crypto: Yeah well, just remember, you mock Arkvoodle and you get one up the ass from yours truly!
Crypto: My name is Luke... Crypto and I'm here to rescue you.
Dr. Go: You... you are Furon!
Crypto: That's right and today is the greatest day of your life.
KGB Agent: We cannot contain the virus! We must destroy the cure!
Crypto: Way to mix those cliches. Whose translating this anyway? You oughta get your money back, lat me show you how it's done. Yippee-ki-ya Mother Russia!
Crypto: Centuries of history all destroyed for revenge. Warms the cockles of your heart, don't it?
Crypto: You know, I did save your life, the least you could do is thank me.
Dr. Go: Thank you? This is insult! I will not say those two words!
Crypto: How about these three? Don't kill me!
Dr. Go: [flatly] Don't kill me.
Crypto: Come on, say it like you mean it. If you want some extra motivation...
Dr. Go: Ah don't kill me, please don't kill me!
Crypto: That's more like it, now you just keep saying that and it might just save your life.
Dr. Go: The gaijan who stole Yuki from me has the final code. He is KGB head called Sascha Soychorski.
Crypto: Now that's what I call a subtle gag...
Agent Soychorski: Curse you Furon! I am atheist, but on the off chance hell exists, I will haunt you from beyond!
Yamasuke Hirotaro: Maybe I go to Hollywood, make martial arts movie about me and put black basketball star in it as bad guy. Nah! It would never work.
Crypto: So, you me, jacuzzi, chocolate syrup... what do you say?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm allergic to chocolate.
Crypto: No kidding... that's gotta suck.
Natalya Ivanova: Eh, soviet chocolate tastes like mud anyway. And I have to fit into this outfit.
Crypto: And on behalf of oversexed aliens everywhere let me just say thank you.
Natalya Ivanova: What are the codes?
Crypto: Eye... Love... Ewe.
Natalya Ivanova: Not now Crypto, we have work to do. Tell me the secret codes.
Crypto: Those are the codes. Also, who's on first, what's on second and I don't know's on third.
Crypto: You're the most infuriating female monkey I ever met.
Natalya Ivanova: See that's the problem with you. To you I am always female monkey. Why can't I just be monkey?
Crypto: Be whatever you want, I just don't want you to be a dead monkey!
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto... that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Crypto: Well I just don't wanna lose my shot at the pink ball that's all.
Milenkov: Watch how the miracle of quantum radiation transforms Kojira, unleashing her highest potential.
Japanese Woman: Kojira? Aiiiie!
[she is crushed]
Milenkov: Ha! I love that film! I must have seen it a hundred times! Sadly, you will never live to see it again because...
Computer Voice: Self destruct sequence initiated.
Milenkov: Ha! She stole my line. Goodbye, and have a very pleasant death.
Orthopox-13: I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
Crypto: Yeah? What kind of signal?
Orthopox-13: A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creature's tortured brain.
Orthopox-13: Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out, "Kill me! Kill me!"
Crypto: That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So, you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
Orthopox-13: Actually, I want you to read its mind and enter it the source of its cognitive distress, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: You've gotta be kidding me.
Orthopox-13: [shouting] Of course I am, you mutation! Now go kill that thing!
Crypto: Okay, okay, but how do I find it?
Orthopox-13: Do I have to... You get in your saucer and fly to the spot marked on your radar. Look for bubbles on the water. That's a pretty good sign there's a MONSTER!
Crypto: So, then, what? I just drop some fat boys into the water and blow it up?
Orthopox-13: Unfortunately, no. Your saucer's weapons are ineffective underwater. You'll have to figure out some way to get the beast to surface first.
Crypto: And then I play a little whack-a-lizard. Got it.
Natalya Ivanova: Can you sneak us in?
Agent Sergei: You and your little sidekick? I don't see how. Maybe if it were just you and me.
Natalya Ivanova: Jealoulsy Sergei?
Agent Sergei: Though the flames may fade, the embers still smoulder, even in the tundra.
Arkvoodle: All around thee my son lurk agents of destruction, dispatched on their fell mission by I know not whom. Could be Dodecalypse, that bastard's always screwing with me.
Crypto: Hey, Nat, if i said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I like you. but I will neuter you if I have to.
Crypto: Fair enough.
Russian Peasant: Supposedly, scientists are performing numerous nuclear experiments in town. I suppose it would explain why I am peeing green.
Orthopox-13: The saucer's sensor is picking up significant radiation levels all around you Crypto. Either Gastro's gout is acting up or there must be some fuel rods nearby.
Crypto: Hey Pox, I had something I wanted to ask you but I guess it's kinda 'immaterial' now.
Orthopox-13: Oh, yes have your fun. But my time and my new clone body will come.
Crypto: Listen, I hate the KGB as much as the next guy but don't we have any other enemies.
Orthopox-13: Not on Earth. Besides, they've been roughing up some of my Yakuza poker buddies. I want you to find all the KGB agents in the Yakuza headquarters and destroy all of them. Are you in?
Crypto: Poker reference, nice. You're quite a card.
Orthopox-13: Let's just stop right there.
Crypto: Attention Blisk. I am Cryptosporidium of the Planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. And your asses belong to me.
Russian Woman: My husband is telling me to stay away from shack north-west of here because kooky scientist lives there. Of course, my husband also thinks aliens from Mars are controlling the Soviet Government. Hahahaha! What a fruitcake.
Dr. Orlov: Excellent hand-eye coordination. You should try new game I am developing on computer in spare time.
Crypto: Games? On a computer? You're wasting your time doc.
Russian Mafia Thug: Why is Russian mafia needing to kill innocent people? Our government is doing a good enough job with that already.
Orthopox-13: Excelent Crypto! You've collected all the Nexus crystals. And I owe Gastro a fiver.
Orthopox-13: That cinches it Crypto! You destroyed the Blisk Base. I''ve half a mind to put you up for a medal. But only half.
Crypto: Have you seen the blonde babushka? She was supposed to meet me here.
Orthopox-13: No I haven't. As a matter of fact you haven't even properly introduced us.
Crypto: Yeah well I'm trying to impress her.
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto! Thank Lenin you're here! The worst has come to pass! Sergei is infected!
Crypto: Aw, for cryin' out... Tell me you used protection! Or don't they teach sex-ed in the Young Pioneers?
Natalya Ivanova: Kakaya zadnitza! I'm not talking about STDs! He's has been infected with alien spores!
Crypto: [disguised as a hippie] So I kill the Sergeant but avoid the crates... Hey, wait a minute... ain't I a pacifist?
KGB Agent: Once you are returning all the crates, we will be paying you the agreed-upon fee.
Crypto: Ah, the sweet smell of political principles being compromised.
Orthopox-13: And why don't you... torture some hippies?
Crypto: For information?
Orthopox-13: No, for prosperity. Of course for information you dolt! Now get out there and cause some trouble!
Crypto: Hey dollface, you seen my new weapon yet?
Natalya Ivanova: Da Crypto. Very impressive.
Crypto: Well, you know what they say, big guns, large arsenal.
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, that may be the clumsiest piece of innuendo you ever attempted.
Crypto: Thanks, I wrote it myself.
Crypto: Hey Pox, you got a cushy job here, I do all the work and you sit around eating bon-bons.
Orthopox-13: In case you hadn't noticed Cryptosporidium... I have no body!
Crypto: And nobody cares about you... heheh, get it Poxy?
Orthopox-13: I loath you.
Crypto: What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?
Orthopox-13: They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Further, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.
Crypto: Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.
Orthopox-13: Oh, we're doomed! We'll never get that pure DNA back to the home world now! Our race will clone itself right into the genetic trash bin of history! Oh, tragedy!... Unless...
Orthopox-13: If we overload the laser guidance system, the weapon might veer off target!
Crypto: Laser guidance system? What laser guidance system?
Orthopox-13: The dishes, Crypto. Overload the dishes!
Crypto: Do the dishes, protect the Earth, save the Furon DNA, got it. Man, whatever happened to destroying all humans?
Orthopox-13: Let this be a lesson to you, Crypto: the best laid plans can be derailed by an unexpected case of the crabs! Now, go!
Orthopox-13: Crypto! You need to increase the intensity of those radar emissions! Perhaps if you cross the beams... Oh, no, wait, that would be bad.
Crypto: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.
Orthopox-13: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.
Crypto: Right, that's bad, got it.
Orthopox-13: No, no, there's no use for it. We're just going to have to take the risk. Do it, Crypto! Cross the beams! Cross them for all your worth!
Crypto: You asked for it!
Crypto: [to Milenkov] You two-bit, tinhorn, petty tyrant! I fart bigger than you! You think just because you can keep a few depressed peasants in line, you can go toe-to-toe with me? I'm the king of the world! The master of disaster! The baddest dude in the whole damn town! King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!
Milenkov: King Kong died, Cryptosporidium. I wonder, would you be so sure of yourself if you knew our "fiendish master plan"?
Crypto: [Milenkov is boasting about his "fiendish master plan"] Geez, you guys just gotta have your monologues, don't you? Okay, I give. What's your damn master plan? Lemme guess, you and the Blisk are gonna spread those spores and enslave humanity? Commies and crabbies, a match made in heaven.
Milenkov: [laughs] Small minds, no imagination. It's nothing so mundane. We don't give a damn about humanity, Cryptosporidium. What we want from Earth is the same thing you want: survival.
Crypto: So the crabbies want a new crib. What's wrong with Mars?
Milenkov: Mars is a desert! An acid wasteland! You Furons saw to that! But Earth... Earth is three-fifths water. All it lacks is massive radioactivity, to become a new Eden, an irradiated ocean paradise for Blisk!
Crypto: But what about the Russians? Your people can't live in that.
Milenkov: My people?
Milenkov: Oh, you really aren't very bright, are you? Why do you think we've waged Cold War? Encouraged the buildup of nuclear arms? Good God, what sane human would pursue such obvious suicide? 1908: Blisk warship crashes; 1917: October Revolution. Do the math. You, of all creatures, should know aliens walk among us, da?
Crypto: You're not suggesting...
Milenkov: Suggesting? I'm telling you: Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev...
Milenkov: Please, don't be ridiculous. It helped that Russian is so close to the Bliskish. No coincidence, of course. The Furons aren't the only race who ever used Earth for "shore leave". Face it, Cryptosporidium, you Furons have been out-schemed. The history of the Soviet Union *is* the history of Blisk on Earth! The loss of our spores is a blow, but in the end, it makes no difference! Soon, Earth will be ours! No more humans! No more Furon DNA! And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it! Lestrovya, Cryptosporidium.
Crypto: Hey, Poxy, what's it like being one of the floating dead?
Orthopox-13: It's quite peaceful actually. No distractions, certainly no violence or destruction. Frankly it's boring the phlegm off me. Aaaah! I want a new clone body!
Crypto: I almost feel sorry for the poor guy. Almost.
Orthopox-13: Using Poxlab, I've created a new virus that will infect and kill the Blisk.
Orthopox-13: Let's hope so. I've arranged for it to be delivered to the moon by a courier company... Oh, what's the name? The North American Shipping Association. Anyway, everyone else calls them NASA. You wouldn't believe the cost of shipping to developing galaxies. I should mention, though, there have been some, er, complications.
Crypto: Okay, I'll bite, what kinda complications?
Orthopox-13: The delivery men are refusing to land without clearance from their master, a fellow called "Houston". They're just hovering there, waiting for orders.
Crypto: And lemme guess: we're gonna give them those orders, right?
Crypto: Yeah, I'm a regular Rich Little. Okay, let's get contagious.
Astronaut 'Carl' Armstrong: That's one small step for man, but one giant leap for mankind.
Colonel 'Biff' Aldrin: That's it? Where'd you find that, on the back of a cereal box?
Astronaut 'Carl' Armstrong: You don't like it? I thought it was profound.
Colonel 'Biff' Aldrin: Profound? You wouldn't know profound if it came up and hit you in the face.
Crypto: The Blisk are...
Natalya Ivanova: Planning to turn Earth into an irradaited waterworld? I know.
Crypto: Oh. Well the good news is Pox has...
Natalya Ivanova: Developed a virus to use against the Blisk?
Crypto: Yeah, how d'ya know?
Natalya Ivanova: I'm a spy, it's what I do.
Crypto: Hey Nat, I got to ask, how do you get into that suit?
Natalya Ivanova: Shoehorns and vaseline baby.
Crypto: Aaah... if that's a pick-up line then we're a match made in heaven.
Cosmonaut 1: [during Crypto's speech] Why are we not being allowed in area just northeast of here?
Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
Crypto: Because Milenkov thinks you're too drunk and stupid to go over there without getting lost, that's why.
Cosmonaut 2: Drunk, okay, but STUPID? Why, that zhopa!
Cosmonaut 1: Da! We can no longer be trusting Premier Milenkov!
Crypto: Oh, it ain't just Milenkov, kids. The Blisk think you're a bunch of morons, too.
Cosmonaut 2: Bliskeviks, also? But they're always telling us Soviet Union will be ruling world!
Cosmonaut 1: Da, Leonid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
Crypto: *Evidence*? They're controlling your mind!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
Crypto: They've taken over your entire government!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... Comrade Leonid is perhaps watching too much American television.
Crypto: They're giant freakin' lobsters! From outer freakin' space!
Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... we are seeing long-term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
Crypto: They're taking away your vodka!
Cosmonaut: I am being scientist and I'm okay. I'm sleeping all night and working all day.
British Hippy: My ultimate fantasy? All of the Pythons... at the same time. Even the gay one. Hell, especially the gay one. I'll even take on the American!
Shama Llama: All you need to do is broadcast a signal from your saucer as you fly over Takoshima.
Crypto: Why does this sound suspiciously like a mission I did say... ten years ago!
Shama Llama: Oh no, this is much more sophisticated. This is an eight track.
Crypto: [dryly] Groovy.
Crypto: And they're still gonna shoot me, right?
Shama Llama: Most assuredly yes. But remember, you are a pacifist.
Crypto: Yeah and you're Billy Jane Kane.
KGB Agent: Destroy cult. Kill leader. Buy milk. Feed cat. Not enough hours in day.
Crypto: I think I hear Arkvoodle calling for a sacrifice right now.
Shama Llama: I don't hear anything and I am listening with my third ear.
Crypto: What's that, Arkvoodle, you want a monkey burger? One monkey burger coming right up.
Shama Llama: Oh, that calling. I hear that quite clearly.
Arkvoodle: I have been carrying this creature for sometime. Why? Well frankly it snores and the vibrations give me a tickle. But I'm just not in the mood right now so take it away!
Crypto: It is I, your benevolent yet sociopathic alien overlord.
Shama Llama: Oh yes, the little green toddler. Do you have an appointment?
Crypto: I need an appointment to see an indignant hippie with a crappy Indian accent? Not to forget I pulled your ass out of the gutter dozens of times!
Shama Llama: And yet I am the face of the Arkvoodle cult! Coincidence?
Crypto: Well I just voided your contract. Prepare to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Shama Llama: Arkvoodle will protect me.
Crypto: I wouldn't hold my breath.
Natalya Ivanova: Alright spaceman, you line them up, I'll knock them down.
Crypto: No offence dollface but shouldn't it be the other way around?
Natalya Ivanova: Crypto, I was the best shot in my class and I once fought my way out of an East German football riot wearing a West German jersey. I'm not a sidekick. No offence taken.
Crypto: Okay hippies, hand over Coyote Bongwater, or I heat me up some hippie smores!
Prudence Kane: Whoah... we got ourselves a narc over here! Hey Narc, why don't you go back to Narc Central?
Crypto: Ouch... that hurts.
Prudence Kane: Just the kind of answer I expected... from a narc!
Police Dispatch: Police headquarters, Officer Johnson!
Crypto: Yeah, I'm lookin' for Mr. Jass. First name Hugh.
Police Dispatch: Please call back when you have an original joke, sir.
KGB Agent: KGB Headquarters. How may I directing your call?
Crypto: I'm looking for Shoodovodickshmearnov.
KGB Agent: He is not being here, may I be taking message?
Arkvoodle: My omnivorous hunger is sated... landing zone activated. What? It rhymes! I'm a poet and I know it not!
Crypto: The sonic cell's connected to the focal beam... I know you want me to sing that damn song but I have standards... they may not be high... Also, we couldn't get the rights...
Admiral Cyclosporasis: I could just dispatch another fleet commander who can get the DNA without having his mothership blown to qwarks!
Orthopox-13: Another com... but Admiral... this whole mission was my idea! I selected the target planet... I drew up the briefing manuals... I defended the plan in front of the entire war council! You can't take this detail away from me!
Admiral Cyclosporasis: Don't tell me what I can and can't do Commander. Hold tight, and I'll send someone to pick you up... as soon as I can spare the rescue pod.
Crypto: Okay simians, here's the deal, tell me where Coyote Bongwater is or I start cooking up some hippie smores!
Crypto: What! Park full of hotheads and none of you ever had erectile disfunction?
Crypto: Last time I open up to you people...
Ivan Oranchov: Savages. Degenerates. There's only one way to deal with such people.
Orthopox-13: What in the...
[the mothership blows up]
Ivan Oranchov: Revolution.
Orthopox-13: You'd better destroy those blimps quickly Crypto, or our Bay City brain farm will turn into a den of unmotivated degenerates sitting in front of their 'TV' screens, twiddling their thumbs... Ahem!
Orthopox-13: Crypto, what if it's true? What if you are... The One?
Crypto: Well, I did take a red pill this morning.
Arkvoodle: Arkvoodle requires slaves! Female slaves! Preferably buxom and scantily clad! By the sacred genitalia, heed the will of Arkvoodle!
Arkvoodle: Son of Arkvoodle, I have a, how should you say, deep inner blockage. It's really most vexing and it throbs! Thoust havest any means to get rid of this... deep... inner blockage? Doh, brains! Do I have to draw you a map?
Crypto: Pox we got a problem. Bongwater must be drinking his own revelade because the Freak says he's planning to fumigate Bay City with giant blimps.
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies! That's so moronic it might just actually work.
[Crypto is dillusional because Ponsonby has poisoned him ]
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now, tell me all the good things you remember about you mother.
Crypto: Mommy? No, not the hot iron treatment again! I'll be good, I promise.
[during the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Orthopox-13: Crypto, let that creature have it with everything you got!
Crypto: Arkvoodle-dammit! What's the deal here Pox? The more stuff that thing knocks down, the more it regenerates!
Orthopox-13: Well, it HAS to have a weak spot somewhere! Find it and hit it hard! You don't want to lose the big one in front of your little ninja groupies, do you?
Crypto: I don't give a damn about my little ninja groupies! I'm worried about getting my ass stomped!
Crypto: Hey, Pox, it just occurred to me. Who's running the country while I've been away? Hasn't anyone noticed the President missing?
Pox: Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.
Crypto: What kind of mechanism?
Pox: Oh, just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.
Crypto: Heh, guess the monkeys wouldn't know the difference.
Pox: Actually, your Approval Rating has tripled since I made the switch.
Black Ninja: [thinking in haiku] Why think in haiku/When I speak in normal prose?/Better not to ask.
KGB Agent: [confronting Crypto] Greetings, comrade. Mother Russia sends her regards.
Crypto: You expect me to beg, human?
KGB Agent: No, little Furon, I expect you to die.
[pulls a gun on Crypto, who pulls his own gun on the agent]
Crypto: Mine's bigger.
Crypto: [as he battle Kojira Kaiju] Oh, sure! Giant lady-lizard grows a new femur anytime she destroys something! While Crypto has to go and drain vehicles like a sissy! Game designers... sheesh.
Russian Peasant: Mind says Lenin, but body says Stalin. And shockingly, at heart I am being straight capitalist. Go figuring.
The White Ninja Leader: [thinking in haiku] Angelina J/You've not even been born yet/But I can't wait.
Arkvoodle: It has been written in the book of Divine Fabrications that the Great God of the Sacred Crotch Arkvoodle cannot be made or unmade. Arkvoodle is, will, and forever shall be! And for once they got it right. Fire at my idol with your disintegrator ray! I'll show you.
[Crypto shoots the idol]
Arkvoodle: See? Told you. Nonetheless I shall unlock the landing zone. Thanks for playing.
British Hippy: Me mind says John, me body says Paul, and me soul says George. So why do I always end up going home with Ringo?
Englishman: My mind says David Frost, but my body says Benny Hill.
Arkvoodle: All around thee, my son, lurk agents of destruction, dispatched on their fell mission by I know not whom. Could be Dodecalypse, that bastard's always screwing with me. Go forth and bring me one of these "KGB" agents, so I may look into its heart and see the face of its master!
[when brought a KGB agent]
Arkvoodle: Phew! It's dark in that heart! Well, sooner or later, the truth will let out. Landing zone activated!
Crypto: Alright, hit me again with the part about Bongwater's blimps.
The Freak: What?
Crypto: Bongwater! He has blimps full of Revelade.
The Freak: He does? Far out!
Crypto: No, you're the one who said so! You just said he's gonna cover Bay City in Revelade gas!
The Freak: Oh. Really? I said that?
Crypto: Focus, Freak! Does he or doesn't he?
The Freak: Does who what?
Crypto: Does Bongwater have Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?
The Freak: [alarmed] Bongwater has Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?
Crypto: See, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.
Crypto: Hey, Pox, do you ever notice? There seems to be a lot of crates lying around. Just random crates. I mean, what could they all be for? You can't tell me anybody needs this many crates just lying around. I guess if they were being used for something, then... then I could understand. So many crates...
Pox: I think they got the hint, Crypto.
[a disguised Crypto has warned the Cosmonauts that the Blisk plans to rob them of their vodka]
Cosmonaut 1: This... This is being outrage! Anything else can being endured, if we're having enough vodka!
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago!
Cosmonaut 1: This will not be standing! There is being no such thing as free lunch, Bliskeviks!
Crypto: Yeah! Give me vodka or give me death!
Cosmonaut 1: Da!
Crypto: Yeah! So what does this mean for the Bliskeviks?
Cosmonaut 2: Bad news for the Bliskeviks!
Crypto: That's the spirit! Now get out there, find the Blisk and kill them crabbies dead!
Cosmonaut 2: For vodka!
Japanese Man: [thinking] Should I join White Ninja? Or Black Ninja? On one hand, White Ninja are in glorious harmony with universe. On other hand, Black Ninja get to live on island north of Takoshima City. White Ninja get spiritual fulfillment. Black Ninja get paid. Black Ninja.
Crypto: Get this through your monkey brain, Milenkov: we own that planet, and there's not a damn thing you or your Russkie pals can do about it.
Milenkov: Such bluster, such overconfidence, yet still, you can't see the big picture. I wonder, would you feel so arrogant if you knew the full scope of our "fiendish master plan"?
Coyote Bongwater: [to Crypto] Join us! We are about to free the people of this city. Soon they'll see the truth and embrace our beautiful utopia, the Bay City super-organic, communal, collective and organic compost farm! Are you with us, man?
Crypto: Am I with you? Dude, you're bogarting the brain-stems. I'm gonna have to kill you!
Coyote Bongwater: You're gonna kill me?
Crypto: Mornin', Ponsonby. You rang?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Hmm?
Crypto: This better be good. I was this close to second base with Princess Margaret.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: I appreciate your coming on such short notice, sir. This is of the greatest importance.
Crypto: Important to whom, me or you?
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: To both of us, I think.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us what it is! Tell us, or it's the Ludwig treatment for you! Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
Crypto: [drugged] Uncle Orthopox, he said I'm not supposed to talk to strange lifeforms.
Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Good. Calibration complete. Now then, get some rest, Cryptosporidium. We can continue in the morning.
Natalya Ivanova: My mind says Sergei, but my body says... no, that can't be right.
British Hippie: My mind says Richards, but my body says Jagger, baby!
Shama Llama: [to Crypto] I'm sorry, do I know you?
Crypto: Shama, it's me! You know, your benevolent yet sociopathic alien overlord!
Shama Llama: Oh, yes, the small green toddler. I forget your name. Do you have an appointment?
Crypto: I need an appointment to speak to an indigent hippie from Bay City with a crappy Indian accent. Not to mention whose ass, need I remind you, I literally dragged out of the gutter!
Shama Llama: And yet now it is I who am face of the Arkvoodle cult. Coincidence? I don't think so!
Crypto: Yeah, well, I just voided your contract. You're about to make the ultimate sacrifice!
Shama Llama: Arkvoodle will protect me!
Crypto: I wouldn't hold my breath.
[the battle with Shama begins]
British Policeman: Scotland Yard here. State your emergency.
Crypto: Is your fridge running?
British Policeman: So YOU'RE the bastard who shut off our electricity!
Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!
Crypto: Did ya hear about the phone that worked on the moon, despite the fact there's no air?
Cosmonaut: Shut upski!
Japanese Woman: Moshi moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!
Crypto: How many Takoshamise does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Japanese Woman: Silly prank caller, we use neon!
The Freak: I wonder if there really is life on other planets. I wonder if aliens really do walk among us. I wonder if an alien is reading my mind RIGHT NOW!
Milenkov: Hello, Cryptosporidium.
Crypto: Milenkov, sorry to rain on your Communist Party, but in case you haven't noticed, your little base looks like Keith Moon redecorated. You've lost.
Milenkov: Such bluster, such arrogance. You're beginning to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and speaking in monosyllables.
Crypto: Says you!
Orthopox-13: Albion is full of tunnels, pipes, and excavations galore. It's like a moldy sponge, built atop noxious Swiss cheese.
Crypto: [about Kojira] Look, Pox, explain this monster to me. The Ivans can't even make a decent wristwatch. How the hell did they come up with the technology to turn a summer intern into that?
Orthopox-13: I've been trying to figure that one out myself, and I keep coming to the same conclusion. They did it.
Crypto: What are you suggesting?
Orthopox-13: I'm not sure, but there's more than good, old-fashioned, Russian can-do spirit working.
Crypto: You're telling me. Those people have all the initiative of a normal convention.
Crypto: Milly, I'm gonna probe you so hard, you're gonna be wearing diapers for a month.
Milenkov: I already take a weekly high colonic, but thank you for the offer. On the other hand, I wonder, would you be so bold if you knew our "devilish master plan"?
Natalya Ivanova: You think it is easy being a female super-spy? Try finding maxi pads in Minsk at two in the morning!
Orthopox-13: Don't do anything rash.
Crypto: Rash? Me? Nah, I got a cream for that; cleared it right up!
Crypto: [encountering the Blisk for the first time] Hold the phone, what do these freaks want?
Orthopox-13: Wait a minute... Now that I think of it, that machinery looks suspiciously familiar... Oh my... HOLY HOOKERS OF ARKVOODLE! Crypto! Do you know who these "freaks" are?
Crypto: They're not Commie cabbage-heads?
Orthopox-13: Great galaxies, no! They're not even human! They're the enemy - OUR enemy! The enemy we Furons defeated in the Martian War! Crypto... THEY'RE BLISK!
Crypto: Blisk? Wait a minute, I thought we wiped the Blisk out!
Orthopox-13: I have no explanation! I can barely believe my sensors! But a few of them must have somehow survived!
Crypto: Not for long. Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon! This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire! And your asses belong to ME!
KGB Agent: Damn you Americans! You taunt me with your decadent fast foods. Your colas, your delectable cheeseburgers, your onion rings with the zesty dipping sauces... eh... DAMN YOU!
Crypto: I bet I could tell you that I'm an alien from the Planet Furon, here to harvest your brain stems, and you wouldn't even care...
British Hippie: Cool! Do it! At least that will take care of my headache.
Crypto: Okay, what about the cosmonauts?
Pox: Well, they're just humans, of course, albeit the cream of Soviet citizenry. They think their leaders here represent some sort of shadowy Kremlin cabal. Of course, the Blisk have been playing them like puppets - not that they realize it. They're so proud! If they knew how the Blisk were using them, they'd be furious!
Crypto: Sounds to me like we need to send the cosmonauts a little wake-up call.
Pox: Hmm. Not a bad idea. A crowd seems to be assembling in the cosmonaut base. Why don't you check it out? I think it's time the puppets met their masters, hmm?
Crypto: Okay, I got it: turn the cosmonauts against the Blisk! This is gonna be fun!
Crypto: Hey, HoloPoxy, long time no see! Where ya been? Oh, that's right.
Pox: Listen, Crypto, I haven't time for your jive talkin'. We've business to tend to!
Crypto: Bark all you want, Poxy, you don't have a mothership. Hell, you don't even have a hand to slap me with.
Pox: Don't cross me, Crypto! I'm still your superior officer. And, I have friends in high places.
Crypto: If you have so many friends in high places, how come they ain't sent us another mothership yet?
Pox: That ship we'll be here very soon! And I can't talk bunk!
Crypto: Ha! If I don't make you another clone body, you're not getting *any* bunk, so there!
Crypto: [Crypto meets Pox after escaping from Ponsonby's custody] Pox, man, I have never been so glad to see you! Actually, I've never been glad to see you, but I am now.
Pox: Serves you right for trusting a human. What in the musky name of Arkvoodle happened down there?
Crypto: Well, I, uh, I ran into a little static with Ponsonby. Nothing major, a little wham, bam, thank you ma'am, and he was history and I was outta there.
Pox: Is that so? Then why didn't I hear you shooting back at him?
Crypto: Moronic monkeys, probably took the rifle apart to wipe their monkey butts with.
Pox: Or study it. Looks like they tried cracking it open with brute force, and succeeded only in breaking it. Well, have no fear; this, I can fix.