- Pete MacKintyre: Not so fast, Gerry, I've... me bunions.
- Gerry Standing: Bunions! Hnh.
- Pete MacKintyre: Here, you've put on a bit of suet, ain't you, Gerry? Your barnet's a bit thinner, mate.
- Gerry Standing: Those bunions give you jip, do they?
- Pete MacKintyre: Bloody agony.
- Gerry Standing: Yeah.
- [drops the bag he is carrying onto MacKintyre's foot]
- Gerry Standing: Welcome home!
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Am I a cynic? I mean, I know it goes with the job and everything...
- Jack Halford: Do you drink too much?
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No.
- Jack Halford: Do you take backhanders?
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No!
- Jack Halford: Do you beat your wife?
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Unlikely scenario, but no.
- Jack Halford: Then you've nothing to worry about. You're just doing your job.
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [sighs] I sometimes wonder what the job is doing to me.
- [first lines]
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [practising a speech] Ladies and gentlemen, today we need heroes more than ever before. The men and women you will meet tonight are bright stars that light our way in the darkness of an increasingly confused buh-dee buh-dee buh, yada yada yada. And the last one to the bar's a *prat*.
- Brian Lane: I've converted me entire collection of long-playing band marching records to mp3 format. Got the whole bloody lot on me hard drive. Look, it's incredible. Each individual sound wave is transmogrified...
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Brian! Brian, not that I don't find this conversation endlessly fascinating, but do you think we could reschedule it for a more convenient time?
- Brian Lane: Not at all. When do you fancy?
- Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: How about when hell freezes over.
- [last lines]
- Gerry Standing: That chiropodist do a good job?
- Pete MacKintyre: Uh, yeah, thanks for asking. You know, as a matter of fact I feel like I'm walking on air now, Mr Standing.