Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.
Brian: You don't need to put your P in a V right now.
Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone's T's.
Surfing Instructor: Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather...
Surfing Instructor: When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail.
Matthew: Oh ok, I'll just go fuck myself then.
Darald: God put our mouths on our head for a reason. No!
Peter Bretter: Maybe this is a sign from God that I should forget her.
Darald: Maybe this is a sign that you should be *with* her. I love her show. When they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it.
Surfing Instructor: You sound like you're from London!
Surfing Instructor: I like her red hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.
Peter Bretter: You shall not pass!
Kemo: Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?
Matthew: I just went from six to midnight.
Model: [very unenthusiastically, while having sex with Peter] Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. I just came. Uh. Uh. Uh.
Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably.
Surfing Instructor: There's only one cure for pain like that.
Peter Bretter: What?
Surfing Instructor: Weed. Ya got any?
Peter Bretter: No.
Surfing Instructor: Well then let's just go surfing!
Sarah Marshall: Remember how we thought the killer masturbated before commiting his crimes?
Detective Hunter Rush: Yes?
Sarah Marshall: Take a look...
Detective Hunter Rush: ...Looks like where he's going he'll need to know how to masturbate.
Peter Bretter: [flexing flabby pecs in mirror] Good for you Peter, good for you.
Peter Bretter: I wanna stand up before I leave.
Surfing Instructor: I don't think you're ready, man.
Peter Bretter: I'm ready to ride fucking giants, Koonu.
Surfing Instructor: I think you're ready.
Surfing Instructor: I once saw him beat a guy up with a starfish!
Peter Bretter: That's ridiculous.
Surfing Instructor: That guy was me.
Peter Bretter: Oh, if they were Sean Jean sweatpants it would be no problem, but because they were Costco brand, it's the worst thing I could do.
Sarah Marshall: Seemingly, the only actresses that can survive are the ones that show their cooter and I refuse to that. Excuse me, but I have a little dignity.
Peter Bretter: How are things going with the lady?
Darald: Not awesome. She's complicated, like the Da Vinci Code, except harder to crack.
Darald: What's the state fish of Hawaii?
Dwayne the Bartender: The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Yeah, bitch!
Sarah Marshall: [lifts up the sheet] What do you think, Rush?
Detective Hunter Rush: [cringes] It's going to be hard for her to reenter the pageant... without a face.
Darald: You have Christ between your thighs... only with a shorter beard.
Dwayne the Bartender: Snuffleupagous fucks my shit up!
Dwayne the Bartender: Why won't anybody go snorkeling with me?
Aldous Snow: [after spilling cranberry juice on his shirt] Oh God, please take my eyes, but not the shirt!
Dwayne the Bartender: He turned down a blow job from his ex-girlfriend... mid-blowjob. You know how hard that is for a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes puppets!
Aldous Snow: Look at my limo driver. I'm going to have sex with her. Alright!
Darald: Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!
Peter Bretter: You're like one of those women from Flavor of Love. 'I'm gonna kill you.'
Darald: Off to find the mythical clitoris!
Gag Me Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Hi.
Gag Me Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Hi.
Gag Me Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Can you stop doing that?
Gag Me Girl: Do you want to gag me?
Peter Bretter: You brought a gag?
Gag Me Girl: Yeah, and handcuffs. So do you wanna gag me?
Peter Bretter: Well, I kinda want to now.
Aldous Snow: I mean, I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen it... It really, deeply upset me.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I had a girl cheat on me once, with both Liam Gallagher and Noel Gallagher.
Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on!
Peter Bretter: Oh, would you like to pick out the outfit that you break up with me in!
Surfing Instructor: I'm going to give you a Hawaiian name... Peepyopee!
Peter Bretter: Is she coming this way?
Rachel Jansen: Yep.
Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.
Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?
Peter Bretter: Came here to murder you
Peter Bretter: [laughs]
Aldous Snow: How you served five years under her, I don't know. You deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.
Brian: Look. Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah. We think she's great. But, and I'm just being honest here, every time she would come over to our house, she always acted, you know, like a... like a little bitch. Okay, okay, okay, pump the brakes.
Peter Bretter: Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz, okay? Sarah is better than Liz!
Brian: You really want to have this conversation? Do you really want to have this conversation?
Peter Bretter: Yes.
Brian: [screaming] She is the mother of my unborn child!
Peter Bretter: [meekly] Sorry.
Brian: You're my step-brother! We're not even blood! I have no qualms with sticking you! I will equalize you!
Peter Bretter: Sorry.
Brian: You dick!
Matthew: [on the phone at the restaurant] Well I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of *work,* so I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done.
Matthew: Hey, how's it going?
Peter Bretter: Hey, I'd like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter: No.
Matthew: Your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter: No, I don't have a girlfriend, so...
Matthew: [confused] You're just by yourself?
Peter Bretter: Yeah.
Matthew: Sucks. Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list, your menu, come on. You want, like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting by yourself.
Peter Bretter: No, I'll be alright. Thank you.
Matthew: I would just be *so* depressed.
Kemo: Sarah Marshall.
Peter Bretter: Yes. How did you know I was dating Sarah Marshall?
Kemo: Dwayne told me. Chuck told me. Even Rachel told me. I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it. It's like "the Sopranos." It's *over*. Find a new show.
Kemo: [after Peter kills the luau pig] You can stop crying now. He's dead already.
Peter Bretter: I'm not crying. *You* should stop crying.
Kemo: I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
Peter Bretter: Really? Because you look like a gigantic baby. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that at all.
Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think for like a week, tops. Any more than that and I know that I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life.
Peter Bretter: [to the married couple] Oh, wedding in Hawaii! Real original!
Aldous Snow: Actually, Peter, I wanted to tell you, I was listening to Sarah's iPod the other day, and amidst the interminable dross that's on that thing, I found one track that I quite liked. So I checked what it was, and it was actually one of yours, and it kind of reminded me of a dark, gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.
Peter Bretter: That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.
Aldous Snow: Right, yeah.
Peter Bretter: [clearly disappointed] Fuck you're cool! It's so hard to say, because, like, I hate you in so many ways.
Peter Bretter: I can see why Sarah likes you.
Aldous Snow: No accounting for taste, I suppose, in her case, anyway.
Peter Bretter: Well, she was with me for five years, so there you go.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, you got four on me then, mate.
Peter Bretter: You slept with Sarah a year ago?
Aldous Snow: I thought you knew! Peter, please, don't take it seriously.
Peter Bretter: What the fuck, man! You...
Aldous Snow: Don't get offended by that.
Peter Bretter: You can't be so casual about this! This isn't Europe, okay? There are rules here!
Aldous Snow: I had a girlfriend, right? And Liam and Noel Gallagher both had it off with her, right in front of me, so that's similar. And that was a bit awkward, actually, so if you do wanna change hotels, I quite understand.
Aldous Snow: Come on tour with me. I'll serenade you every night in front of thousands of women.
Sarah Marshall: I didn't know you were going on tour.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I'm going in two weeks. It's like an 18 month tour, 43 countries, Infant Sorrow, and it's gonna be a massive tour.
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, I can't come cause I have a job. I'm a working actress.
Aldous Snow: Not anymore. You're an unemployed actress. Perfect. You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.
Sarah Marshall: The Sorrow Suckers?
Aldous Snow: Sorrow Suckers. I don't know why they call them that.
Sarah Marshall: When were you planning on telling me this?
Aldous Snow: I just told you, then.
Sarah Marshall: Yeah. No, I know. But telling me now isn't really the same as telling me.
Aldous Snow: Well, look, you know, I've not told you I've got genital herpes, because it's not inflamed at the moment...
Aldous Snow: [holding a single sandal] I've lost a shoe... have you seen it anywhere? Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe... like this one. It's like this one's fellow... it's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that - not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe like this... but for the other foot. Otherwise I'd have two right...
Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. You don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music. But instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Go see one anyway.
Sarah Marshall: [Peter can't perform in bed] What's wrong with you?
Peter Bretter: Nothing is *wrong* with me.
Sarah Marshall: Okay...
Peter Bretter: Just something doesn't feel right.
Sarah Marshall: Okay, well did you, you know what? Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink...
Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You're the goddamn devil!
Surfing Instructor: Aloha, man. My name's Koonu.
Peter Bretter: I know, we met duing the surf lesson!
Surfing Instructor: Oh right, you're that guy who works for Kaiser Permanente!
Peter Bretter: No, I'm Peter! We had a really nice talk out on the water!
Surfing Instructor: Oh.
Surfing Instructor: Coooool.
[after faking an orgasm to upstage Peter and Rachel in the next room]
Aldous Snow: You're still involved with him next door, ain't ya?
Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?
Aldous Snow: You should've seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then you came back here and put on that ghastly performance. I mean I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen one. It really deeply upset me.
Sarah Marshall: You should've seen *yourself* at dinner.
[Imitating Aldous's accent]
Sarah Marshall: "Oh, I'm Aldous Snow! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh no drinks for me thanks. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"
Sarah Marshall: [Pointing to his tattoos]
[In normal accent]
Sarah Marshall: And you know what? Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay. That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow: Was that genuine or did you fake that? Right, I'm probably gonna clear off now. I'll have a little sleep for a few hours, then I'm probably gonna go in the morning. Okay.
Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper, the other day.
[after bumping into Peter again]
Aldous Snow: Oh fuck me, this is a small resort.
Matthew: Alright so i came here, to give you my demo. I just... I... I... I worship you and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just, take a listen, and... sigh ok. 'Cuz you know what, you dont wanna be the guy sittin' there, watchin' BBC, and sayin, "OH! I saw that guy! He was my waiter and I totally dismissed him like everybody else does... in his life. And I totally, she was wrong cuz he's a major, major, major influence on me now... and I feel terrible!"
Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that, me?
Matthew: Unfortunately, yes.
Peter Bretter: Hi, can I have another Bloody Mary, please?
Female Bartender: You're still working on that one.
Peter Bretter: It's an anticipatory order.
Aldous Snow: Awful bloody film. I say, it's just a ridiculous premise. What would happen if your mobile phone killed you? Why would a mobile phone kill anyone? Doesn't make sense. How can a mobile phone have an agenda and kill people...
Peter Bretter: I told her that when she read the script
Aldous Snow: Yeah, you were the voice of reason, mate.
Peter Bretter: I tried to be, but she didn't listen.
Aldous Snow: Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like doing murders.
Peter Bretter: Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?
Aldous Snow: Right. That's it. The battle's over.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, we've won.
Aldous Snow: I hated it.
Sarah Marshall: Well, it's not for everyone, but it...
Peter Bretter: No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favorite scene. Hello?
[Peter feigns death]
Aldous Snow: Right. I could never happen.
Sarah Marshall: It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.
Rachel Jansen: For society, how we're reliant on technology. I get it. I'm with you.
Aldous Snow: It's a metaphor for a crap movie.
Surfing Instructor: [singing to himself] # Oh the weather outside is weather... #
Peter Bretter: [Drunk and waving a cocktail around at the hotel bar] I'm on Sex and the City..."Ahh, hi Miranda..." "Uhh, I'm Samantha... I have sex with everybody."
Peter Bretter: [He and Rachel are having sex as loudly as possible to annoy Sarah] She's having an orgasm!
[from DVD gag reel]
Aldous Snow: [scene where Aldous is about to leave the hotel] I would rather have my testicles spread out like a wafer and then have them covered in a layer of honey and then have wasps come and sting me and then have them covered in another layer of vinegar and then have it worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi. I'd rather have that than spend another second with her.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, come on, Peter. I can see your vagina from here!
Peter Bretter: Its not all about you, you know. People come here not just to follow you.
Mixer: Let's go with the usual stuff, something dark and ominous. Like losing your penis is a bad thing.
Peter Bretter: [sarcastically] Oh, you want dark and ominous.
Rachel Jansen: You've got that magic newlywed dust all over you.
Detective Hunter Rush: He was either stabbed in the aorta or it was his time of the month.
Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. Peter you don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music, but instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing, go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Well go see one anyway. I'm not going!
Sarah Marshall: [in mocking, exaggerated British accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...
Surfing Instructor: Too slow. Do less.
Brian: What's up with that hat... what are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?
Peter Bretter: This is a nice hat.
Brian: What member of the brat pack are you? You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.
[after Matthew's introduction at the 4th of July party]
Aldous Snow: Thank you. What a lovely introduction... from an eccentric and confident young man.
Sarah Marshall: Aldous... wake up.
Aldous Snow: [Snores]
Sarah Marshall: Aldous... wake up... make love to me.
Aldous Snow: Alright, you go on top though, cause I'm knackered.
Rachel Jansen: I can see your hoohah!
Dwayne the Bartender: I don't understand what there is to think about.
Rachel Jansen: Because, Dee... he...
Dwayne the Bartender: She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
Rachel Jansen: Of course it counts, he...
Dwayne the Bartender: He what? He refused a blow job from his ex-girlfriend mid blow job. Do you know what that's like for a man? It's called blue balls, Rachel. This guy's like Gandhi, but better; he likes puppets. I love puppets. I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop. I love Elmo, Sesame Street, Burt and Ernie, Snuffleupagus? Fucks my shit UP.
Brian: You gotta get your shit together, man.
Peter Bretter: I'm trying to. It's so hard here. Brian, everywhere I look I'm reminded of her, okay? Like, she got me this, okay because I would always leave my cereal boxes open, and the cereal would get stale, and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh. And now I have the freshest cereal.
Peter Bretter: Hey are you Chuck?
Surfing Instructor: Man they won't change that stupid flyer, Chuck's my mainland name, my Hawaiian names Koodu
Peter Bretter: Oh sorry
Surfing Instructor: Its cool, its all good
Peter Bretter: So does Koodu have some cool Hawaiian meaning?
Surfing Instructor: It means Chuck
Sarah Marshall: This isn't your jurisdiction!
Lawyer on 'Crime Scene': I just made it my jurisdiction!
Detective Hunter Rush: Can you say cat fight?
Peter Bretter: I'm having a good time with Rachel and I want to see that through.
Aldous Snow: Maybe you can have Rachel and Sarah,they got along alright at dinner.
Peter Bretter: I'm not that kind of guy and even if I was I don't think I have the sexual competency to pull that off.
Aldous Snow: Yeah its a gift.
Peter Bretter: [to Anne and her friend] I find you both sexually attractive.
Brian: Wrap it up.
Peter Bretter: [to Anne and her friend] I want to have sexual activity with either of you
[Anne begins laughing]
Peter Bretter: I just came out of a five year relationship so I'm not looking for anything serious, just sexual activity.
Brian: Pump the brakes.
Peter Bretter: [to Anne's friend] You wanna come home with me
Peter Bretter: You wanna come home with me?
Ann at the Bar: [laughing] You're cracking me up!
Peter Bretter: How long have you been out here?
Surfing Instructor: I don't know, I quit wearing a watch when I moved out here
Peter Bretter: That is so cool
Surfing Instructor: My cell phone has a clock so I don't need it
Peter Bretter: Oh, so its basically the same thing
Peter Bretter: So how old are you?
Surfing Instructor: I don't really believe in age and numbers but if you had to put a number on it, I would say
Surfing Instructor: forty four, Fuck!
Sarah Marshall: [faking an orgasm so she can upstage Rachel and Peter next door] This is the best sex ever!
Peter Bretter: [Trying to upstage Sarah] I'm not done yet!
Rachel Jansen: Shut up!
Peter Bretter: Okay.
Rachel Jansen: [on the phone] Peter
Peter Bretter: Sarah?
Rachel Jansen: No, Rachel Jansen from the front desk whats going on up there, we're getting calls about a woman crying hysterically
Peter Bretter: Yeah, y'know,I hear it too, it sounds like she's having a tough time, I think its coming from the floor above me
Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.
Peter Bretter: I'll try to keep it down.
Rachel Jansen: I thought I told you to stay on your island!
Ray: The deal was off April 9th.
Rachel Jansen: Well the deal's back on!
Ray: You think you're the chief of this island! I'm the chief of this island!
Peter Bretter: I know his friend, let me handle it
Rachel Jansen: Fine.
Peter Bretter: Hey man you remember me?
Helpful Hawaiian Waiter: The cocktail guy
[He punches Peter]
Kemo: Ray what are you doing here?
[Ray backhands him, Kemo backhands him back]
Sarah Marshall: It got really hard taking care of you when you stopped taking care of yourself, I tried everything to get you off your little island, the couch.
Peter Bretter: [whispers] Are you sleeping?
Rachel Jansen: Not anymore.
Peter Bretter: I really enjoyed spending time with you
Rachel Jansen: Me too.
Rachel Jansen: [about his rock opera] Why Dracula?
Peter Bretter: Because he's just a man, he wants to be loved but every woman he gets near he ends up smothering and killing, and I've had similar experiences.
Peter Bretter: [Aldous has coral stuck in his leg] Koonu call the front desk now!
Surfing Instructor: Okay monster man.
Sarah Marshall: [to Peter] I took love seminars, sex seminars, so don't you dare sit here and tell me I didn't try because I tried really hard, you were just too stupid to notice.
Sarah Marshall: [to the criminal] Life's a bitch.
Animal Instincts Detective: [to the criminal] And where you're going, that's what you'll be.
Rachel Jansen: Why don't you press your feet up against the rock, and like shoot yourself off.
Peter Bretter: What, like a frog?
Rachel Jansen: I don't know Peter, just get off the fucking rock!
Matthew: I have a question for you real quick Mr S, I was actually meaning to ask you, what exactly did you think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Matthew: Just not at all?
Aldous Snow: No I didn't, cause I just got my instincts and they weren't good.
Matthew: [whispering] Fuck you. Okay? Go fuck yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pull off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you. I bought all your records, this whole fucking time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna get people to fuck with your food the rest of the trip! You fucking dick!
Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.