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Epic Movie (2007) Poster

(2007)

Quotes

[as the White Queen pulls up in her turbo sled]

Edward: Whoa, Stifler's mom!

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White Bitch: Behold, my white castle.

[she points to a White Castle restaurant across from them]

Edward: White Castle? I feel like I've been there before.

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Susan: [Lucy is cleaning doorknob] What are you doing?

Lucy: Willy told me he wanted his knob polished.

Susan: Dumbass.

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Edward: A chocolate river! Mmm! Mmm! Chocolate! Hahahaha!

Willy: That's actually the sewer line.

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Edward: [in his old age] Chuck Norris rules.

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Silas: [to White Bitch, in subtitles] Beat me like Bobby beats Whitney! Allegedly.

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White Bitch: [holding crystal] Let's start things off with a bang, shall we?

Edward: But you'll kill millions.

White Bitch: Billions. Come on. Let me hear you say it.

Edward: My family will stop you!

White Bitch: WRONG!

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Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: [From unrated version] Enough is enough! I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

Susan: So have I!

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Enough is Enough! I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

Susan: Right...

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

Susan: Why do you keep saying that?

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Because internet bloggers love it when I say "I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!"

Susan: Alright, we get it already. Okay?

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: No! I don't think you do! I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

Susan: Why are you yelling?

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Shit, bitch! I'm ALWAYS yellin'! I'm Samuel motherfuckin' Jackson!

Susan: Bitch?

[Gets thrown off the plane]

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Peter: Tomorrow we fight. So tonight... we party!

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Willy: Who wants to play with Willy?

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Peter: I want flabby grandma arms!

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Lucy: Holy shit, a talking beaver!

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Willy: Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?

Edward: Uh-huh.

Willy: It's a special secret ingredient. It's real human parts. There's gonna be a little itty bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy, literally.

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Lucy: [Reading a hidden message on a painting] "So lame the hair of Tom"

[Looks toward a painting a Tom Hanks with his long hair in "The Da Vinci Code"]

Lucy: Wait. "Lame." "Lame" is a - "Lame" is a seven-letter word.

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Peter: [Talking about the frozen White Bitch] We will create a democratic society, and give her a fair trail, and...

Captain Jack Swallows: [Jack Swallows come rolling by on the wodden wheel and runs over the Bitch]

[In the distance]

Captain Jack Swallows: Take that, Bitch!

Peter: [pauses] Ah, screw her anyways.

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Lucy: I'm sorry, was the fight over?

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Peter: We have something the White Bitch doesn't.

Lucy: Perky breasts?

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Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!

Susan: Oh, I know, please help!

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!

Susan: I know...

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!

Susan: Why do you keep saying that?

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Because internet bloggers love when I say, "I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!"

Susan: Why are you yelling?

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Shut up, bitch! I'm always yelling! I'm Samuel Goddamn Jackson!

Susan: [Shocked] Bitch?

["Samuel Jackson" grabs Susan and throws her from the plane]

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[first lines]

Narrator: This is the story of four orphans brought together by fate. They didn't know it yet, but there was something more greater in store for them, something epic.

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[Peter removes his jacket and wing straps]

Cyclops: He's unleashing his powers!

Storm: He's gonna spread angel wings!

[Peter clucks like a chicken and turns around showing his small-sized wings on his back]

Mystique: More like chicken wings!

Magneto: Break it up. Break it up. You all know Peter is too much of a pussy to stand up for himself.

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Susan: Welcome! My name is Harry Potter!

Lucy: Aren't you a little old to be still a student here?

Susan: Nonsense. I am but 14.

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White Bitch: This crystal will finally put an end to the resistance. I will start a series of earthquakes that will collapse all of Gnarnia and grow a new continent where only I and my followers will live.

Bink: Yo, Bitch, that's pretty much the plot of Superman Returns.

White Bitch: Pretty much, yeah.

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Magneto: We'll stand behind you, Peter. That bitch has threatened our mutant way of life for too long. We believe in you.

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Bink: [stabs Edward] Take that, Kumar!

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Silas: [to Aslo] I'm gonna go Jackie Chan on your ass!

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Harry Beaver: May I present the kings and queens of Gnarnia! Peter the Heroic. Susan the Just. Edward the Loyal. And Lucy the Dumb Shit.

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Peter: [while urinating in the snow] Look! Nicole Richie!

[camera shows a stick figure with hair]

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[last lines]

Borat: Jagshemash! You did it! You make moviefilm have happy ending.

[Captain Jack Swallows comes on his wheel and runs Lucy, Peter, Susan and Edward over]

Borat: NOT!

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Nacho Libre: NACHO... cheese Doritos are delicious!

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White Bitch: God, I hate those fuckin' kids

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Peter: Badonkadonk.

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Peter: Monobrow! Monobrow!

[clapping excitably]

Peter: King wants a monobrow!

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Peter: We may not have the numbers on our side or the weapons she possesses, but we have something far more powerful.

Lucy: Perky breasts?

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Ashton Kutcher Look-Alike: Yeah! We just punked Edward. *Shwam!* That was awesome.

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Peter: [From unrated version]

[as Superman, Peter is shot in the eye by a thug]

Peter: Oh my god! You shot me in the fucking eye! Oh, that really hurt! Why would you do that? That was so unneccesary!

[backs up and falls off of roof]

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Silas: [In a Subtitle] I'm gonna go Jackie Chan on Yo Ass!

Aslo: ARRRRRRGH!

[the Camera Starts Pin-Pointing on Aslo as a Subtitle appears]

Aslo: Great News, I just saved a bunch of Money on My Car Insurance!

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Silas: [In a Subtitle before Shooting Mr.Tumnus Dead] I'm Rick James, Bitch!

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Kanye West Look-Alike: [while Lucy is viewing the camera from Mr. Tumnus] The White Bitch doesn't care about black people.

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Lauren Conrad: Nice hair, Rogue.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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