Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Just Once with Aunt Sophie (2006)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Jake : Hey! Can I get leather pants?

  Charlie Harper , Alan : No!

  Jake : Why not?

  Charlie Harper : 'Cause you need something that lets the farts *out*.

• [first lines] 

  Alan : [sits next to Jake]  Hey.

  Jake : [playing a video game on TV]  Hi.

  Alan : So... what's going on in school?

  Jake : Nothing.

  Alan : Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?

  Jake : That's where the clock is...

  Alan : Well, I - I find it hard to believe you - you just watch a clock all day.

  Jake : Have you *seen* my report card?

• Alan : [Jake races to take a phone call]  Okay, that's something we haven't seen before.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts.

• Alan : I am Jake's father, and I happen to believe childhood should be a time of innocence.

  Charlie Harper : I agree. Childhood *should* be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die. And lap dances should be complimentary after the fifth cocktail. But that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.

  Alan : Oh, really?

  Charlie Harper : Think of it as musical chairs. But when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sittin' on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue, they'll spend their teenage years... Well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.