Star Trek (2009)
Christopher Pike: You know, I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you are.
James T. Kirk: Who am I, Captain Pike?
Christopher Pike: Your father's son.
James T. Kirk: [Turns toward the bar] Can I get another one?
Christopher Pike: For my dissertation, I was assigned the U.S.S. Kelvin. Something I admired about your Dad: he didn't believe in no-win scenarios
James T. Kirk: Sure learned his lesson!
Christopher Pike: Well, it depends on how you define winning. You're here, aren't you?
James T. Kirk: [as beer is brought to him] Thanks.
Christopher Pike: You know that instinct to leap without looking, that was his nature too. And in my opinion it's something Starfleet's lost.
James T. Kirk: [laughing] Why are you talkin' to me, man?
Christopher Pike: 'Cause I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor. Your aptitude tests are off the charts, so what is it? You like being the only genius level repeat offender in the Midwest?
James T. Kirk: Maybe I love it.
Christopher Pike: Look, so your Dad dies. You can settle for a less than ordinary life, or do you feel like you were meant for something better? Something special? Enlist in Starfleet.
James T. Kirk: [scoffs] Enlist!
James T. Kirk: [laughs] You guys must be way down on your recruiting quota for the month!
Christopher Pike: If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years. You could have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada...
James T. Kirk: Are we done?
Christopher Pike: I'm done.
Christopher Pike: [Gets up] Riverside Shipyard. Shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow morning, 0800.
Christopher Pike: [pause] Now, your father was captain of a Starship for 12 minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I may throw up on ya.
James T. Kirk: I think these things are pretty safe.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait'll you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
James T. Kirk: Well, I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. Well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.
Spock: If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
[as the Narada pursues Spock, he suddenly whips the ship around and heads directly for it]
Nero: What's he doing?
Spock's Ship's Computer: Ambassador Spock, you are on a collision course.
Nero: [panicking] FIRE EVERYTHING!
Nero: James T. Kirk was considered to be a great man. He went on to captain the U.S.S. Enterprise... but that was another life. A life I will deprive you of just like I did your father!
Spock: [sits in the cockpit of his future self's ship, which springs to life] Fascinating!
James T. Kirk: You know, coming back in time, changing history... that's cheating.
Spock Prime: A trick I learned from an old friend.
[With an uncharacteristic smile, he gives the Vulcan salute to Kirk]
Spock Prime: Live long and prosper.
Spock Prime: [closing monologue] Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life-forms and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Spock Prime: What if I told you that your transwarp theory was correct, that is is indeed possible to beam onto a ship that is traveling at warp speed?
Scotty: I think if that equation had been discovered, I'd have heard about it.
Spock Prime: The reason you haven't heard of it, Mr. Scott, is because you haven't discovered it yet.
Scotty: I'm s... Wha... It... Are you from the future?
James T. Kirk: Yeah, he is. I'm not.
Scotty: Well, that's brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?
Spock Prime: You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?
Scotty: That's what I'm talking about! How do you think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a... like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.
James T. Kirk: Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?
Scotty: I'll tell you when it reappears. Ahem. I don't know, I do feel guilty about that.
Sarek: You will always be a child of two worlds. I am grateful for this, and for you.
Spock: I feel anger for the one who took mother's life - an anger I CANNOT control.
Sarek: I believe... that she would say, "Do not try to." You asked me once why I married your mother. I married her because I loved her.
[Spock notices a elder Vulcan walking in the docking bay]
[the elder Vulcan turns and is revealed as Spock Prime]
Spock Prime: I am not our father.
[Young Spock, now recognizing who he is, approaches]
Spock Prime: There are so few Vulcans left, we cannot afford to ignore each other.
Spock: Then why did you send Kirk aboard when you alone could have explained the truth?
Spock Prime: Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together, of a friendship that will define you both in ways you cannot yet realize.
Spock: How did you persuade him to keep your secret?
Spock Prime: He inferred that universe-ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise.
Spock: You lied.
Spock Prime: Aww... I... I implied.
Spock: A gamble.
Spock Prime: An act of faith. One I hope that you will repeat in your future in Starfleet.
Spock: In the face of extinction, it is only logical that I resign my Starfleet commission and help rebuild our race.
Spock Prime: And, yet, you can be in two places at once. I urge you to remain in Starfleet. I have already located a suitable planet on which to establish a Vulcan colony. Spock, in this case, do yourself a favor: Put aside logic. Do what feels right.
[Spock Prime turns and leaves]
Spock Prime: Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say...
[Shows Vulcan hand salute]
Spock Prime: Good luck.
Spock Prime: [after Kirk relieves Pike of command] Thrusters on full.
Vulcan Council President: You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless, with one exception: I see that you have applied to Starfleet as well.
Spock: It was logical to cultivate multiple options.
Vulcan Council President: Logical, but unnecessary. You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. It is truly remarkable, Spock, that you have achieved so much despite your disadvantage. All rise.
[the Vulcan Council stands in honor of Spock, who now looks slightly pissed]
Spock: If you would clarify, Minister: to what disadvantage are you referring?
Vulcan Council President: Your human mother.
Spock: Council... Ministers, I must decline.
Vulcan Council President: No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy!
Spock: Then, as I am half-human, your record remains untarnished.
Sarek: Spock, you have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way.
Vulcan Council President: Why did you come before this council today? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?
Spock: The only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude. Thank you, Ministers, for your consideration.
[In a tone reserved for telling someone to 'Go to Hell']
Spock: Live long and prosper.
Spock Prime: James T. Kirk!
James T. Kirk: Excuse me?
Spock Prime: How did you find me?
James T. Kirk: Whoa... how do you know my name?
Spock Prime: I have been and always shall be your friend.
James T. Kirk: Wha...
James T. Kirk: Uh... look... I-I don't know you.
Spock Prime: I am Spock.
James T. Kirk: Bullshit.
Spock: [Kirk has been appointed captain, and the Enterprise is preparing to depart. Spock enters the bridge] Permission to come aboard, Captain.
James T. Kirk: Permission granted.
Spock: As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references.
James T. Kirk: It would be my honor, Commander.
Spock: Acting Captain's Log, Stardate 2258.42. We have had no word from Captain Pike. I've therefore classified him a hostage of the war criminal known as Nero. Nero, who has destroyed my home planet and most of its six billion inhabitants. While the essence of our culture has been saved in the elders who now reside upon this ship, I estimate no more than 10,000 have survived. I am now a member of an endangered species.
Scotty: Except, the thing is, even if I believed you, right, where you're from, what I've done - which I don't, by the way - you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while she's traveling faster than light, without a proper receiving pad.
Scotty: [to Keenser] Get off there! It's not a climbing frame!
Scotty: [back to Spock Prime] The notion of transwarp beaming is like trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.
[Spock writes on a paper]
Scotty: What's that?
Spock Prime: Your equation for achieving transwarp beaming.
Scotty: [to himself] He's out of it
Scotty: [reads the equation] Imagine that! It never occurred to me to think of SPACE as the thing that was moving!
Young Spock: You suggest I should become completely Vulcan, and yet you married a human.
Sarek: As Ambassador to Earth it is my duty to observe and understand human behaviour. Marrying your mother was... logical.
James T. Kirk: Now, what is it with you, Spock? Hm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered, and you're not even upset!
Spock: If you are presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken.
James T. Kirk: And yet you were the one who said fear was necessary for command. I mean, did you see his ship? Did you see what he did?
Spock: Yes, of course I did.
James T. Kirk: So are you afraid or aren't you?
Spock: I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.
James T. Kirk: Then why don't you stop me?
Spock: Step away from me, Mister Kirk.
James T. Kirk: What is it like not to feel anger... or heartbreak... or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?
Spock: Back away from me.
James T. Kirk: You feel NOTHING! It must not even COMPUTE for you! You NEVER loved her!
[Spock snaps and attacks Kirk, nearly killing him]
[Spock regains control]
Amanda Grayson: There's no need to be anxious. You'll do fine.
Spock: I am hardly anxious, Mother. And "fine" has variable definitions. "Fine" is unacceptable.
Amanda Grayson: Okay.
Spock: May I ask a personal query?
Amanda Grayson: Anything.
Spock: Should I choose to complete the Vulcan discipline of Kolinahr and purge all emotion, I trust you will not feel it reflects judgment on you.
Amanda Grayson: Oh, Spock. As always, whatever you choose to be, you will have a proud mother.
[Spock Prime and Kirk arrive at a derelict Starfleet outpost, and discover... ]
Scotty: You realize how unacceptable this is?
Spock Prime: Fascinating!
Scotty: Okay, I'm sure you're just doing your job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal! And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment, isn't it? Ongoing! For something that was clearly an accident!
Spock Prime: [pleased] You are Montgomery Scott.
James T. Kirk: You know him?
Scotty: Aye, that's me. You're in the right place. Unless there's another hardworking, equally starved Starfleet officer around.
Scotty: Get aff! Shut up! You don't eat anything! You can eat, like, a bean, and you're done. I'm talking about food. REAL food!
Young Spock: I presume you've prepared new insults for today.
Vulcan Bully #1: Affirmative.
Young Spock: This is your thirty-fifth attempt to elicit an emotional response from me.
Vulcan Bully #2: You're neither human nor Vulcan, and therefore have no place in this universe.
Vulcan Bully #1: Look. He has human eyes. They look sad, don't they?
Vulcan Bully #2: Perhaps an emotional response requires physical stimuli.
Vulcan Bully #2: He's a traitor, you know, your father, for marrying her, that human whore.
[Spock beats up the bully]
[through a mind meld with Kirk]
Spock Prime: Billions of lives lost because of me, Jim, because I failed.
James T. Kirk: Where you came from... did I know my father?
Spock Prime: Yes... you often spoke of him as being your inspiration for joining Starfleet. He proudly lived to see you become captain of the Enterprise.
James T. Kirk: CAPTAIN?
Spock Prime: A ship we must return you to as soon as possible.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Wait a minute, kid. How old are you?
Pavel Chekov: Seventeen, sir.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Oh... oh, good, he's seventeen.
Spock: Doctor... Mr. Chekov is correct.
[deleted scene: Spock's birth]
Sarek: I was thinking that we could name him after one of Vulcan's early society builders. His name was Spock.
[Amanda considers it]
Sarek: Your silence does not suggest enormous enthusiasm.
Amanda Grayson: No...
Amanda Grayson: Spock... Spock.
Sarek: He has your eyes.
Amanda Grayson: [laughs] And your ears.
[shakes her baby's hand]
Amanda Grayson: Hello, Spock.
Spock: We must gather with the rest of Starfleet... to balance the terms of the next engagement!
James T. Kirk: There won't BE a next engagement! By the time we've "gathered," it'll be too late! But you say he's from the future - knows what's gonna happen? - then the logical thing is to be unpredictable!
Spock: You're assuming that Nero knows how events are predicted to unfold. The contrary, Nero's very presence has altered the flow of history, beginning with the attack on the U.S.S. Kelvin, culminating in the events of today, thereby creating an entire new chain of incidents that cannot be anticipated by either party.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: An alternate reality.
Spock: Precisely. Whatever our lives might have been, if the time continuum was disrupted, our destinies have changed.
James T. Kirk: [Stepping aboard the bridge as its official captain] Bones! Buckle up!
Christopher Pike: All power to forward shields. Prepare to fire all weapons!
Sarek: Spock, you are fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose? This is something only you can decide.
[Kirk drives his stepfather's Corvette toward a cliff. As he skids sideways, he jumps out before the Corvette falls off while he hangs on the edge of the cliff. The Iowa cop chasing him steps off his bike as Kirk climbs off the cliff]
Young Kirk: Is there a problem, officer?
Iowa Cop: Citizen, what is your name?
Young Kirk: My name is James Tiberius Kirk!
[from trailer #3]
Nero: I've been waiting for this day my whole life... This day of reckoning.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Dammit, man! I'm a doctor, not a physicist!
Ayel: I will speak for Captain Nero.
Captain Robau: Then ask Captain Nero what gives him the right to attack a Federation vessel.
Ayel: [activates a hologram with Spock Prime's face] Do you know the location of Ambassador Spock?
Captain Robau: I'm unfamiliar with Ambassador Spock.
Ayel: What is the current stardate?
Captain Robau: Stardate? 2233.04. Where are you from?
[Nero comes from behind his throne and kills Captain Robau]
Christopher Pike: I'm Captain Christopher Pike. To whom am I speaking?
Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.
James T. Kirk: So what kind of combat training do you have?
Hikaru Sulu: Fencing.
Christopher Pike: [whistles to break up fight between cadets and Kirk] Outside! All of you! Now!
Christopher Pike: [to Kirk] You all right, son?
Kirk: [Looks at him upside down and stunned] You can whistle really loud, you know that?
George Kirk: What are we gonna call him?
Winona Kirk: We could name him after your father.
George Kirk: Tiberius? You kidding me? No, that's the worst. Let's name him after your dad. Let's call him Jim.
Winona Kirk: Jim. OK, Jim it is.
George Kirk: Sweetheart, can you hear me?
Winona Kirk: I hear you.
George Kirk: I love you so much. I love you...
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Spock: I welcome it.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Do you? OK, then. Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making a logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But, the right one? You know, back home we have a saying: "If you're gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prize stallion in the stable."
Spock: A curious metaphor, doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: My God, man, you could at least ACT like it was a hard decision.
Spock: I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise. Excuse me.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [as Spock leaves] Green-blooded hobgoblin.
James T. Kirk: [on Spock] Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I don't know, but I like him.
Scotty: I've never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before!
[the U.S.S. Enterprise is being sucked into a black hole, seconds away from doom]
Scotty: I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!
[the bridge ceiling begins to crack as the ship's drawn closer]
James T. Kirk: All she's got isn't good enough! What else ya got?
Scotty: Um... Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannae promise anything, though!
[the viewing window starts to rupture]
James T. Kirk: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
Lt. Nyota Uhura: I'm impressed. For a moment there, I thought you were just a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals.
James T. Kirk: Well, not only.
Burly Cadet #1: This townie isn't bothering you, right?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Oh, beyond belief, but it's nothing I can't handle.
James T. Kirk: You could handle me, if that's an invitation.
Burly Cadet #1: Hey, you better mind your manners.
James T. Kirk: Oh relax, cupcake, it was a joke.
Burly Cadet #1: Hey, farm-boy, maybe you can't count, but there are four of us and one of you.
James T. Kirk: So, get two more guys and then it'll be an even fight.
James T. Kirk: What are you doing?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I'm doing you a favor. I couldn't just leave you there looking all pathetic. Take a seat. I'm gonna give you a vaccine against viral infection from Melvaren mud fleas.
James T. Kirk: OW! What for?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: To give you the symptoms.
James T. Kirk: What are you talking about?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You're gonna start to lose vision in your left eye.
James T. Kirk: Yeah, I already have.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Oh, and you're gonna get a really bad headache and a flop sweat.
James T. Kirk: You call this a favor?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. You owe me one.
Flight Officer: You need a doctor.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I told you people I don't need a doctor, dammit - I AM a doctor!
Flight Officer: You need to get back to your seat.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I had one. In the bathroom with no windows.
Flight Officer: You need to get back in your seat, NOW.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I suffer from aviophobia - it means fear of dying in something that flies!
Flight Officer: Sir, for your own safety, sit down or else I'll make you sit down!
Sarek: Speak your mind, Spock.
Spock: That would be unwise.
Sarek: What is necessary is never unwise.
Spock: [on intercom] Dr Puri, report.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: It's McCoy. Dr. Puri was on Deck 6. He's dead.
Spock: Then you have just inherited his responsibility as Chief Medical Officer.
[McCoy looks at a burning medical room full of casualties from the attack]
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah, tell me something I DON'T know!
Spock Prime: To stop Nero, you alone must take command of your ship.
James T. Kirk: How? Over your dead body?
Spock Prime: Preferably not.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, congratulations, Jim. We've got no captain and no god-damned first officer to replace him.
Kirk: Yeah, we do.
[Kirk sits himself into the captain's chair]
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: What?
Hikaru Sulu: Pike made him first officer.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You gotta be kidding me!
Kirk: Thanks for the support.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: I sure hope you know what you're doing...
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [sarcastically] ... CAPTAIN.
Kirk: So do I.
James T. Kirk: Your ship is compromised, too close to the singularity to survive without assistance, which we are willing to provide.
Spock: [speaking privately] Captain, what are you doing?
James T. Kirk: Showing them compassion may be the only way to earn peace with Romulus. It's logic, Spock. I thought you'd like that.
Spock: No, not really. Not this time.
Nero: [replying to the offer of assistance] I would rather suffer the end of Romulus a thousand times. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you.
James T. Kirk: You got it! Arm phasers. Fire everything we've got!
[Pike previously told Kirk he would be an officer in four years]
James T. Kirk: Four years? I'll do it in three.
Security Officer: [McCoy is half-carrying a loopy Kirk after injecting him with a vaccine. Kirk is scanned] Kirk, James T. He is not cleared for duty aboard the Enterprise.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Medical code states "The treatment and transport of a patient is to be determined at the discretion of his attending physician" - which is me! - so I'm taking Mr. Kirk aboard, or would you like to explain to Captain Pike why the Enterprise warped into a crisis without one of its senior medical officers?
Security Officer: As you were.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [irritably] As YOU were!
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [to Kirk] Come on!
[He drags Kirk onto the ship]
Scotty: So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady. I'd like to get my hands on her "ample nacelles," if you pardon the engineering parlance.
Spock: [standing across Lt. Uhura before he and Kirk are about to be beamed onto the Romulan warship] I will be back.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [leaning in] You better be! I'll be monitoring your frequency.
Spock: [actually quite emotional] Thank you, Nyota.
James T. Kirk: [after Uhura leaves] So her first name's Nyota?
Spock: I have no comment on the matter.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [to Spock, after the destruction of Vulcan] I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.
[She kisses him along his face and hugs him; after a short hesitation, he hugs her back and leans into her]
Lt. Nyota Uhura: What do you need? Tell me.
[Uhura takes his face into her hands]
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Tell me.
Spock: [fighting for control] I need everyone to continue performing admirably.
[pushes the elevator button to continue]
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [tears in her eyes, nods] Okay.
[She kisses him and he kisses her back and when the elevator doors open and leaves her behind without a backward glance]
Spock: We are traveling at warp speed. How did you manage to beam aboard this ship?
James T. Kirk: Hey, you're the genius. You figure it out.
Spock: As acting captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question.
James T. Kirk: Well, I'm not telling, "Acting Captain." What, did...?
James T. Kirk: What, now, that doesn't frustrate you, does it? My lack of cooperation? That-that doesn't make you angry...
Spock: [Spock turns to Scotty] Are you a member of Starfleet?
Scotty: I, um, yes. Can I get a towel, please?
Spock: Under penalty of court martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.
James T. Kirk: Don't answer him.
Spock: You will answer me.
Scotty: [pause] I'd rather not take sides.
[Kirk and Scott run around the Enterprise's engineering section, evading capture, when they are finally cornered by an officer pointing a phaser at them - the same officer involved in the bar fight with Kirk in Iowa]
Burly Cadet #1: Come with me, cupcake!
James T. Kirk: [upon taking command of the Enterprise] Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is James Kirk. Mr. Spock has resigned commission and advanced me to acting captain. I know you are all expecting to regroup with the fleet, but I'm ordering a pursuit course of the enemy ship to Earth. I want all departments at battle stations and ready in ten minutes. Either we're going down... or they are. Kirk out.
James T. Kirk: [the night before he is scheduled to take the Kobayashi Maru test... ] If I pass, will you tell me your first name?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: NO! Get out!
[slams the door in his face]
James T. Kirk: [still suffering from the vaccine] My mouth is itchy. Is that normal?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, those symptoms won't last long. I'm going to give you a mild sedative.
James T. Kirk: Oh, I wish I didn't know you.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't be such an infant.
[He jabs Kirk with a hypodermic needle]
James T. Kirk: OWW! How long's it supposed to...
[he suddenly collapses on the bed]
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [Shaking his head] Unbelievable.
Kirk: [highly agitated and suffering side effects from McCoy hypospray] Uhura! Uhura!
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Kirk? What are you doing here?
Kirk: The transmission from the Klingon prison planet. What exactly...
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Oh, my God, what's wrong with your hands?
Kirk: [waves off the question with his bloated hands] I-i-it's... Look, who is responsible for the attack...
Lt. Nyota Uhura: What?
Kirk: ...and was the ship walullaa?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: And was the ship... WHAT?
Kirk: [to McCoy] Whass happening to my mouth?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You got numb-tongue?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I can fix that!
[hurries off to find another hypospray]
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Was the ship what?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: What? I...
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Romulan?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Yes!
[Bones injects him with another hypospray]
Kirk: ACK! ACK!
[trying to say 'stop it']
Kirk: Make that two. Her shot's on me.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Her shot's on her.
[Turns to Kirk]
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Thanks but no thanks.
Kirk: Don't you at least wanna know my name before you completely reject me?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: I'm fine without it.
Kirk: You ARE fine without it. It's Jim, Jim Kirk.
[Waits for Uhura to introduce herself, and gets no reply]
Kirk: If you don't tell me your name I'm gonna have to make one up.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Reluctantly] It's Uhura.
Kirk: Uhura? No way! That's the name I was gonna make up for you! Uhura what?...
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Just Uhura.
Kirk: They don't have last names in your world?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Uhura is my last name.
Kirk: Then they don't have... uh first names in your world?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Gaila, who is he?
Gaila: Who's who?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: The mouth-breather hiding under your bed?
James T. Kirk: [comes out from under Gaila's bed] You can hear me breathing?
Hikaru Sulu: The fleet has cleared spacedock, Captain. All ships ready for warp.
Christopher Pike: Set a course for Vulcan.
Hikaru Sulu: Aye-Aye, Captain. Course laid in.
Christopher Pike: Maximum warp. Punch it.
[One by one, the rest of the star fleet jumps into warp drive, leaving the Enterprise behind. Sulu frowns at the console, puzzled]
Christopher Pike: Lieutenant, where is Helmsman McKenna?
Hikaru Sulu: He has lungworms, sir. He couldn't report to his post. I'm Hikaru Sulu.
Christopher Pike: And you are a pilot, right?
Hikaru Sulu: Very much so, sir.
[he trails off, hitting buttons]
Hikaru Sulu: I'm, uh, I'm not sure what's wrong here.
Christopher Pike: Is the parking brake on?
Hikaru Sulu: Uh, no. I'll figure it out. I'm just...
Spock: Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?
Hikaru Sulu: [Embarrassed. Without looking at anyone, he punches in the correct sequence] Ready for warp, sir.
Christopher Pike: Let's punch it.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Having just learned that she is assigned to the Farragut] Commander, a word?
Spock: Yes, Lieutenant?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Was I not one of your top students?
Spock: Indeed you were.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [the scene cuts to another location, where Uhura is still hounding Spock] And did I not, on multiple occasions, demonstrate an exceptional aural sensitivity, and I quote, "an unparalleled ability to identify sonic anomalies in subspace transmissions tests?"
Spock: Consistently, yes.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: And while you are well aware of my own qualified desires to serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise, I'm assigned to the Farragut?
Spock: It was an attempt to...
[he glances around, keeping his voice low]
Spock: ...avoid the appearance of favoritism.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Adamantly] No. I'm assigned to the Enterprise.
Spock: [He adjusts his roster list] Yes, I believe you are.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Thank you.
Test Administrator: How the hell did that kid beat your test?
Spock: I do not know.
James T. Kirk: [hurling to his death with Sulu] Kirk to Enterprise. We're falling without a chute. Beam us up!
Transport chief: I'm trying. I can't lock onto your signal.
James T. Kirk: Beam us up!
Transport chief: You're moving too fast!
James T. Kirk: Beam us up!
Pavel Chekov: I can do zat! I can do zat!
James T. Kirk: [to Spock] The test itself is a cheat, isn't it? I mean, you programmed it to be unwinnable.
Spock: Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario.
James T. Kirk: I don't believe in no-win scenarios.
Spock: Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principal lesson.
James T. Kirk: Please enlighten me.
Spock: You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a captain cannot cheat death.
James T. Kirk: [reminiscing] I of all people...
Spock: Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?
James T. Kirk: I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test.
Spock: Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of the test.
James T. Kirk: Enlighten me again.
Spock: The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is the quality expected in every Starfleet captain.
Pavel Chekov: Ensign Authorization code: nine-five-wictor-wictor-two!
[Authorization is not recognized]
James T. Kirk: Stardate: 2258.42... or, uh, 4... Whatever. Acting Captain Spock has marooned me on Delta Vega, in what I believe to be a violation of Security Protocol 49.09 governing the treatment of prisoners aboard a star...
[Kirk breaks off abruptly before completing the word starship as the howl of a predatory animal is heard, possibly heading his way]
Captain Robau: If I don't report in 15 minutes, evacuate the crew.
George Kirk: Sir, we could issue...
Captain Robau: There is no help for us out here. Use autopilot... and get off this ship.
George Kirk: Aye, Captain.
Captain Robau: You're captain now, Mr. Kirk.
James T. Kirk: Bones, doesn't it bother you that no one's ever passed the test?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, it's the Kobayashi Maru. NO one passes the test, and no one goes back for seconds, let alone thirds.
James T. Kirk: [leaving] I gotta study.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Study, my ass.
Christopher Pike: Mr. Spock, I'm leaving you in command of the Enterprise. Once we have transport capability and communications back up, you'll contact Starfleet and report what the hell's going on here. And if all else fails, fall back, rendezvous with the fleet in the Laurentian system. Kirk, I'm promoting you to First Officer.
James T. Kirk: What?
Spock: Captain? Please, I apologize. The complexities of human pranks escape me.
Christopher Pike: It's not a prank, Spock. And I'm not the captain. You are.
Christopher Pike: [to Kirk] Let's go.
James T. Kirk: Sir, after we knock out that drill, what happens to you?
Christopher Pike: Ah, I guess you'll have to come and get me.
Christopher Pike: [last word to Spock] Careful with the ship, Spock. She's brand new.
Christopher Pike: Kirk, you, too. You're not supposed to be here, anyway.
Christopher Pike: Russian whizkid, what's your name? Chanko? Cherpov?
Pavel Chekov: Ensign Chekov, Pavel Andreievich, sir.
James T. Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'?
Scotty: Dilithium chamber at maximum, Captain.
Scotty: [noticing Keenser straddling a console] GET DOWN!
James T. Kirk: I relieve you, sir.
Christopher Pike: I am relieved.
Admiral Richard Barnett: This is Commander Spock. He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last four years. Commander?
Spock: Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test.
James T. Kirk: Your point being?
Admiral Richard Barnett: In academic vernacular, you cheated.
Gaila: Jim, I think I love you.
James T. Kirk: That is so weird.
Computer: Lights on.
Gaila: Did you just say, "That is so weird"?
James T. Kirk: Yeah, I did, but...
Nero: We wait. We wait for the one who allowed our home to be destroyed, as we've been doing for 25 years.
Ayel: Once we've killed him?
Nero: Kill him? I'm not gonna kill him. I'm gonna make him watch.
Nero: That ship. Take it out.
Romulan: Sir, if you ignite the Red Matter...
Nero: [yelling] I want Spock dead now!
Spock: [finding himself aboard the ship of his future self] It appears that you have been keeping important information from me.
James T. Kirk: You'll be able to fly this thing, right?
Spock: Something tells me I already have.
James T. Kirk: Good luck.
Spock: Jim... the statistical likelihood that our plan will succeed is less than 4.3%.
James T. Kirk: It'll work.
Spock: In the event that I do not return, please tell Lieutenant Uhura...
James T. Kirk: Spock. IT'LL WORK.
[Kirk rescues Pike]
Christopher Pike: What're you doing here?
James T. Kirk: Just following orders.
James T. Kirk: Where are we?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Medical Bay.
James T. Kirk: This isn't worth it.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A little suffering's good for the soul.
Communication Operator: U.S.S. Kelvin, go for Starfleet Base.
Kelvin Crew Member: Starfleet Base, we've sent you a transmission. Did you receive?
Starfleet Base: Kelvin, have you double-checked those readings?
Kelvin Crew Member: Our gravitational sensors are going crazy here. You should see this. It looks like a lightning storm.
Starfleet Base: What you've sent us doesn't seem possible.
Kelvin Crew Member: Yes ma'am. I understand. That's why we sent it.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [During the Kobayashi Maru test] We are receiving a distress signal from the U.S.S. Kobayashi Maru. The ship has lost power and is stranded. Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them.
James T. Kirk: [clearly enjoying himself] "Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them... CAPTAIN."
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [rolls his eyes] Two Klingon vessels have entered the Neutral Zone and are locking weapons on us.
James T. Kirk: [Smugly] That's okay.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: "That's okay?"
James T. Kirk: Yeah, don't worry about it.
Test Administrator: Did he say "Don't worry about it?"
Test Administrator: Is he not taking the simulation seriously?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Three more Klingon warbirds decloaking and targeting our ship. I don't suppose this is a problem either.
Simulator Tactical Officer: They're firing, Captain.
James T. Kirk: Alert Medical Bay to prepare to receive ALL crew members from the damaged ship.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: And how do you expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, Captain?
James T. Kirk: [not taking anything or anyone seriously] Alert Medical
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Our ship's being hit. Shields at sixty percent.
James T. Kirk: [nonchalantly] I understand.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [exasperated] Well, should we - I dunno - fire back?
James T. Kirk: [pulls an apple out of nowhere and starts munching] No.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Of COURSE not.
[the entire simulation suddenly shuts down, then starts back up]
Test Administrator: What is this? What's going on?
James T. Kirk: Hm. Arm photons. Prepare to fire on the Klingon warbirds.
Simulator Tactical Officer: Yessir.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, their shields are still up!
James T. Kirk: Are they?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [checks again] No... They're not.
James T. Kirk: Fire on all enemy ships. One photon each should do. Let's not waste ammunition.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Target locked and acquired on all warbirds. Firing.
[the simulation shows the birds being destroyed one by one]
Simulator Tactical Officer: All ships destroyed, Captain.
James T. Kirk: Begin rescue of the stranded crew.
James T. Kirk: [grandstanding his victory] So! We've managed to eliminate all enemy ships, no one on board was injured AND the successful rescue of the Kobayashi Maru crew is... underway.
[takes a large bite out of his apple]
Ayel: Your species is even weaker than I expected.
James T. Kirk: I can't...
Ayel: You can't even speak!
James T. Kirk: I got your gun!
Spock: [volunteering for what could be a suicide mission] Romulans and Vulcans share a common ancestor. Our cultural similarities will make it easier for me to access the ship's computer to locate the device. Also, my mother was human, which makes Earth the only home I have left.
James T. Kirk: I'm coming with you.
Spock: I would cite regulation, but I know you will simply ignore it.
James T. Kirk: See? We are getting to know each other.
Kirk: [Bolts out of bed suddenly from being sedated] Lightning storm!
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Ah, Jim, you're awake. How do you feel?
[He looks down, suddenly growing alarmed]
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Good God, man!
Kirk: What? AH!
[He yelps and raises his hands, which are now twice their normal size]
Kirk: What the hell's this?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A reaction to the vaccine, dammit! Nurse Chapel, I need 50 cc's of cortizone!
Nurse Chapel: Yes, sir!
[He starts scanning Kirk while Kirk replays Chekov's message]
Pavel Chekov: [on the computer] ... appeared to be a lightning storm in space.
Kirk: Bones! We gotta stop the ship!
[He takes off running down the hall]
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [running after him] Jim! I'm not kidding, you need to keep your heart rate down!
[he fumbles through a first aid kit while Jim accesses another computer console]
Kirk: Computer, locate crew member Uhura.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You know, I haven't seen a reaction this bad since med school!
Kirk: We're flying into a trap!
[He starts running again]
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Dammit, Jim, stand still!
[injects him yet again]
Kirk: [yelps in pain] OW! STOP THAT!
[he runs through the engine room, looking for Uhura]
[Kirk rushes onto the bridge, urging the ship to stop. Three-way arguing ensues between him, Spock, and Pike]
Spock: I can remove the cadet...
James T. Kirk: Try it!
Christopher Pike: Kirk!
James T. Kirk: This cadet is trying to save the bridge!
Spock: By recommending a full stop, mid-warp, during a rescue mission?
James T. Kirk: It's not a rescue mission. Listen to me, it's an attack!
Spock: Based on what facts?
James T. Kirk: That same anomaly, a "lightning storm in space" that we saw today, also occurred on the day of my birth, shortly before a Romulan ship attacked the U.S.S. Kelvin. You know that, sir, I read your dissertation. That ship, which had formidable and advanced weaponry, was never seen or heard from again. The Kelvin attack took place at the edge of Klingon space, and at 2300 hours last night, there was an attack: forty-seven Klingon warbirds destroyed by Romulans, sir, and it was reported that the Romulans were in one ship, one massive ship.
Christopher Pike: And you know of this Klingon attack how?
[Kirk glances at Uhura]
Lt. Nyota Uhura: Sir, I intercepted and translated the message myself. Kirk's report is accurate.
James T. Kirk: We're warping into a trap, sir. The Romulans are waiting for us, I promise you that.
[Unsettled, Pike looks at Spock]
Spock: The cadet's logic is sound. And Lt. Uhura is unmatched in xenolinguistics, we would be wise to accept her conclusion.